Cringe part impeding on me speaking in session- abnormal for me. Working through chronic shame and dissociation
For the past 3 years I have been working with chronic shame, self monitoring, and dissociation/suppressive protective barriers. A month or so ago my therapist and I accessed a tangible anger, grief and loneliness that prevents me from participating in my life and externalizing my awareness. There have been tears shed from me and a lot of release in and out of session. The past three weeks though a cringe part has shown itself that feels utter disgust with me, hates the sound of my voice, and vaguely feels like I “talk weird”.
Last session there was a sense of “why bother talking, I’m alone, no one here cares” and a sense of strong anger towards my therapist who I have a good relationship with.
During today’s session it was so strong that I simply just stared off into space (virtual session), gave my therapist vague answers or simply refused to answer certain questions (especially around my life goals, how I’m spending my time etc). Very unusual for me and suprising to me. This lasted for about half the session, until the conversation veered off into a part that feels like I am not “a person who does things with her time” but rather like I am simply doing the opposite and “fixing myself” another way.
This cringe wants me to shame spiral but I have enough awareness and access to prevent that. This part feels embarrassed to exist in front of my therapist and most of all, to speak.
In a way I feel more real and present in session which is why the cringe is so strong, I guess to protect myself from feeling and being seen in presence.
If anyone has any insight or similar stories that would be great. I thought I’d share this because this seems like a big bump in my therapy journey and I don’t really have anyone in my life to share this with.