BPD friend (me), anxious friend and stigma in between
Hey everyone! First time poster & it’s a long read. I’m 25F and I was diagnosed with depression in my early teens, then diagnosed with BPD at 18 and CPTSD a couple of years ago. For context, I focused on BPD for 3 years after being diagnosed (DBT, CBT, schema therapy). I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD. (Is this also a success story?) My psychiatrist confirmed I’m in remission about a year ago.Two of the three symptoms I’ve right now are better explained by other conditions I’ve got. So neither my psychiatrist nor I relate to them as necessarily BPD symptoms. Being diagnosed was an important step of my life that helped me make sense of my childhood and myself, but I largely have put BPD behind me.
I’ve been sharing a house with my friend, J, 35F, for 1.5 years. We had to move out of our previous rental three months ago and decided we wanted to keep living together. This was a joint decision, but J was always more vocal about wanting to share a house with me. We moved into a new place in the beginning of May and have been sharing here with another friend, 30F, let’s call her V.
I had a PTSD episode in the house (first in a long time), that was unfortunately witnessed by both J and V. I didn’t hold it against her when she didn’t really check on me afterwards. Things did get weird after though. J ignored me for a total of three days, randomly didn’t come back home. When I texted to check if she was alright, she just said “I’m alright” and then went on a 5 day spontaneous vacation without saying anything.
When she got back, she sat me down and dumped three months worth of anxiety on me in one sitting. J has always struggled with anxiety and has prolonged periods when it gets a lot worse for no apparent reason. We’re very close and I had zero clue it was one of these periods. I was very taken aback that she didn’t tell me anything because, if anything, I’m easy to talk to. I’ve worked really hard on myself to become a good friend.
I told her I was very sorry she’d been experiencing so much anxiety and wasn’t feeling like she could tell me about it. And then she told me I’ve been one of her triggers these past three months. She read a short book on BPD while she was away and thinks my BPD symptoms might be triggering her anxiety, so she will be moving out.
To be honest, I felt like I was living through a surreal experience. I was confused and decided my best bet was to get curious. What she told me is this:
- I told her that getting a lot of spontaneous tattoos is actually a kind of impulsive behaviour and she could’ve spent that money on therapy. She remembered that and has been anxious spending money in the past three months. ? I didn’t say that in these exact words, I was way kinder, and all J does is complain she can’t go into therapy because it’s expensive. And she genuinely needs help.
- I don’t always approve of what she does and it makes her anxious. ?? I love her & I’m friends with her not for her ability to make good decisions. I can support a bad decision, but I won’t approve it, no. My motto is don’t do a bad decision alone.
- She feels like she is so invested in caring about me that she forgot to care about herself. ??? The most bizarre part of it all. There were times when I felt like J doesn’t care enough about me (Guess what? I talked that out with her). There are other people who think the same. Nor do I ever ask for help. We’ve been friends for two years and I’ve asked for help maybe five times, all I asked for was a conversation. I really struggle with asking for help. I grew up being a parent to myself and I hardly need anyone to take care of me.
I didn’t question her on any of it. I just listened and told her that I’m sorry she’s dealing with that amount of anxiety. I believe she believes what she says. I didn’t correct her, but I was extremely hurt. I knew that telling her I don’t have BPD symptoms that can trigger anxiety won’t make a difference. She wasn’t receptive, was clearly distressed and had already made a series of rushed decisions.
I think she was looking for a narrative that would explain her anxiety but wouldn’t lead back to herself, and she found it. It looks like some intense mental gymnastics and I’m sorry that she is in a condition where she needs to do this. But all of it did wonders to my life. It brought back memories of other people stigmatising me. I’m already in the middle of a depressive episode. When she told me, I was three weeks away from two important exams (second undergrad) that will determine the next two years of my life. She broke a 2 year lease and we’ve to find a new person to live with.
And last but not least, I think I’ve already met J. I’ve already had older but emotionally immature friends who had extremely doting parents and grew up to be anxious adults, and maybe it’s just my lesson that I can’t be friends with those people unless they have gotten the help they need.
So, thoughts, advice? Anything? Like, anything at all?