u/WoosahFire

I'm so tired, in every way.

And I just need to say, I hate when people ask me normal people questions.

"What are you doing for your birthday?"

Putting a cold compress on my bright red breast and taking a nap?

I don't know what to say, how to answer. I'm not sure what would be better but the small talk at the radiation center just makes me nuts. It's like they refuse to see you're a cancer patient. Don't you deal with them all day long? Shall we pretend none of this is happening? Is that how you get through the day? Guess what, that doesn't work for me! Wish it did...

I absolutely fucking hate it. Please stop trying to make me get it up for you, stranger.

Thank you for letting me share.

ETA: I'm exhausted and overwhelmed... my breast turned bright red and burny after the first rads and all the folks at the center could say is "oh that usually doesn't happen after one session"... i have 2 more to go and I'm in a lot of pain and I hate the hollow small talk. it's really upsetting to have to put a face on at radiation. can't I just be who I am here and get through this in an authentic way... smh

So I met with my RO for the first time last Thursday. She's well rated and she was ok but I found her kind of too happy go lucky, especially at a time where I'm just completely exhausted.

My path has been challenging. Lumpectomy recovery was very painful, for weeks, with a doctor that was away for the holidays and only had her office staff for support... and they were a complete disappointment.

I couldn't get into an oncologist for chemo for weeks at my orginal center so I went elsewhere... and during my first chemo infusion had a leak into my arm that left me with a burn on my whole inner forearm that still hasn't healed (almost 3 months now). Went somewhere else for the rest of chemo but had to stop early due to fevers landing me in the ER and elevated heart rate issues after infusions. Beyond that I had almost all the chemo side effects so... it hasn't been easy. Far from it. I was told I'm "very sensitive to chemo"... well it is poison so... thanks? Wtf...

But here we are, radiation. So I met with them last week, wasn't thrilled but ok. She said something about at this point it's the end of people's journeys so they are good to go which i didn't respond to but it's not the end of mine. Next I'll have to have my ovaries out since I'm BRCA1+... and my mother had pancreatic cancer so not even sure what that screening will entail. I told her my breast still swells from time to time, is it ok to have radiation under those circumstances and she said "why did it still swell, surgery was months ago"... I didn't know what to say, you're the fucking doctor lady, I offered that I will check with my surgeon. She send surprised that I came to see them 4 weeks after chemo ended, instead of 2, cause I needed a break (that's what I had told her scheduler at the time and she repeated that). I refrained from saying that I had been to 2 ERs since my last infusion and even 4 weeks later, still dealing with thrush and still feel like shit... but didn't appreciate the lack of compassion or empathy when she repeated that i 'needed a break'.

Today I go in for the prep appt and my RO tells me to "BE HAPPY!"... I think my whole body reacted to that comment. Like are you fucking kidding me??? Do I really have to get it up for your fucks in radiation now? While I don't need her to hold my hand and cry with me for fucks sake lady... stfu please!!! I'm a human being and this isn't a fun time!

I don't know how I'm going to deal with seeing this person for the next few weeks. Do I say something or just grin and bear it? When we were working on scheduling and I had some preferences the assistant was surprised that I had 'worked it all out' and I told her 'this is a circle of hell, I'm trying to manage it best i can'. I'm sure these folks have to detach to get through the day but... am I supposed to act like I'm at Disneyland? This isn't a fucking party. Beyond the fact that this unserious attitude makes me nervous, do you know what you are doing? I've had enough 'easy' things go wrong.

I don't know anymore. I can barely get through the day as it is but am doing my best to get back to whatever normal looks like now... but now I'm supposed to dance for your ignorant asses... will they tell me to smile next time... how will i refrain from punching someone in the face or cursing them out... what did I do to deserve this, on top of everything else...