In a relationship with someone with ADHD
So I’ve been dating my bf for a year with ADHD. Like at the beginning, we were cooking food together, cafe dates etc he even got me a gift for being together for 3 and 6 months.
For context, he went through a lot, so his parents who he used to live with was abusive; and he left the house and made himself homeless for 6 months before finding social housing (his family willingly allowed him to stay homeless) and I was living with my folks at the time and since we hadn’t been together for that long they only allowed him to stay once a week if that.
Now we’re living together, I feel like it’s gone down hill. I told him I didntt want to move in with him if I was going to be left doing everything, working (I have 2 jobs) cooking and cleaning picking up after him, and now I’m going back into education. And I’m doing exactly that. He forgot our 1 year anniversary even tho I wrote it in the white board and reminded him 3 days before - he got upset for forgetting but how can you celebrate 3 months but not a year. On new year (he’s very big or so I thought of main events) we planned to go to my folks house and he just stayed at home smoking weed 👍.
He tells me please don’t out my clothes away I want to do it and it’s apart of my ADHD so I got a basket…. Which never gets emptied and clothes get thrown around. I ask him to clean, he has to clean on his terms when he’s “in the mood”. His dad when he lived with them always said no smoking weed and was very stern about that, so he only smoked once before bed, now he smokes all the time, almost spends over £150 on it if not more a month despite being on ADHD medication.
We used to work together before he got a new job, and everyone in work always talks about his struggles with ADHD, his mothers suspected I was “starving him” when I actually said to him we’re doing our own laundry and cooking from now on as I felt it was always me, and he didn’t eat for 3 days 🙄- no one ever talks about the burnt out partner to someone with ADHD and in goijg back into education soon and I just don’t think I’ll cope with it very well. He’s a nice person, but an absolute slob, he’s said he wants to go back into education, but when asked “got bags of time, can apply in September” stopped looking after himself, (used to go to the gym almost everyday). I just feel like the novelty of having a gf has worn off now and that he’s just a child now, working, then come home and smoke a shit ton of weed and mong out in the couch and gorge on shit.
I just don’t know what to do tbh, I’ve had conversations with him, I adapted to getting a white board, reminding him but I’m getting more burnout and I just think in the future if I stay and we have a kid (not rn ) I’m just like wtf would I want that stress when I’m getting stress now. I just feel like he makes my life harder - he’s incredibly shit with money so I have to pay for things or lend him money which is uncomfortable in itself. It almost feels like I’m giving literally everything and in return he’s giving me the bare minimum as in just being nice to me.
He almost can’t live without weed which for more context he is in pain, but I often question whether that his get out of jail free card. I told him I don’t have a problem only if you’re not doing it before work (8am) so what does he do… he gets up from sleeping on the couch at 4am, smokes a joint and then goes to work 4 hours later. He went to therapy a few times and stopped but still persisted to smoke more weed. I like to travel and I told him if he can’t afford it I’ll go in my own, he spends his money on absolute shit, I want to buy a house one day and he just only thinks about the now and never the future.
When I’ve asked about cutting back on the weed “it’s not that easy” …. And said if I give him an ultimatum it’s going to be weed cos he “needs it”. He always says I’m a “clean freak, but we found 1 mouse in the flat and ever since I have been wanting the flat to be clean, rightly so, but I’m not mad on cleaning, I just like to come home to no coffee grounds spread across the counter, fried chicken left on the plate, bins overflowing and clothes not all over the bedroom.
It’s so frustrating because he makes up rules for his adhd but actually never does them. And I know a few people who dated someone with adhd and felt the same thing and just left. He’s a nice guy, truly, but I’m also not his mother. I’ve read and listened to podcasts about ADHD and I can be empathetic that it can be a burden but so is dealing with it. He’s terrible at emotionally regulating himself, always forgetting stuff but if I forget all of a sudden is a knife to the heart. It’s impossible standards.
Why does it feel like dating someone with ADHD is like chasing an ex, their behaviours seems manipulative - not all Ofcourse but it definitely feels that way. “Don’t clean I’ll clean later” (4 hours later)