Ang hirap maging Ate
I don’t know how to start. Iniisip ko pa lang kung pano ko ikukwento napapagod na agad ako
For context, I am a single female in her mid forties and single. We are siblings of 3 and both parents passed away. Mom passed away because of cancer and dad passed away a year after due to heart attack. Prior to my dad having a heart attack, my special needs sister (34 yo) at the time ay lumalala na yung Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD) nya, from CKD3 she jumped to CKD5 because I got tired of what happened to my mom. My mom suffered for 4 months, we discovered her cancer too late to do anything. my brother and I took care of my mom until her last day. I was grieving and wanted to find a way to relieve losing the person who I truly loved and the only person who I felt truly loved me. So I neglected having my sister’s lab tests to see if her CKD was progressing. A month before my dad passed, pina-lab test ko na uli yung sister ko to find out na she needs to start dialysis. My dad got immensely worried.Nung pina-confine ko na yung sister ko and when she was discharged, my dad wanted to visit my sister at home. On the day I was supposed to pick up my father to visit my sister at my house, my brother found him in his bed na wala ng buhay. Least to say it was tumultuous for me to attend to my sister at asikasuhin yung wake at burial ng tatay ko. The 1st few months of my sister’s dialysis was very challenging. Since she is special (she has a mental age of 10 yrs old) and having low tolerance for pain, every injection, every hospital trip had been stressful and has really affected my job to the point na na-lay off ako. My brother (the eldest) is the type who will be the muscle, sabihin mo sa kanya kung ano ang gagawin, he will execute but life changing decisions, I have to be the one to decide. Kausapin ang mga doktor, tanungin kung ano dapat ang gagawin, ano ang pros and cons, ask what should be my next step, kailangan ako kase he is unable to decide and does not know what to do. Fast forward to 3 yrs after my dad’s death, dialysis patient pa din ang sister ko and medyo naging stable kahit papaano. Today, may nakitang complication sa kanya na could potentially result into very weak bones so may likelihood na may need tanggalin sa thyroid gland nya. All my trauma from the time na magkasakit yung mom ko, nung 1st few months of dialysis ng sister are all coming back now. The fear of losing my job because I have to prioritise caring for family is coming back. As someone who is in mid 40s, and as selfish as I may sound, kapag may medical emergency, naiisip ko.. paano kaya kung ako yung magkasakit eventually especially during my senior years, may matitira pa kaya sa savings ko.. kelan kaya ako ga-graduate sa pagiging ‘padre de pamilya’ para maenjoy ko yung pinaghihirapan ko sa work ko ngayon. I feel so alone. Kahit may 2 ako kapatid, parang ako na lang parati yung sandalan and I am really tired and exhausted every time medical emergencies come up.