officially diagnosed!!!!!!!!
Im so fricken happy, affirmed, and just smart for not being swayed by family who thought I had schizophrenia, friends who ignored my cries for help, and community who dismissed my "states" as explained by "everyone has this." To add: I recognize others disbelief because I cannot comprehend that this is a real avenue for me.
BUT IM DIAGNOSED!!!!! After 5-7 years of shame shattering, trauma ruminating, angry-destrustive, non deserving of goodness, no therapist, hardly medicated, on my damn own F-in help, I HAVE FINALLY FOUND A DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY TRAINED THERAPIST WHO DIAGNOSED ME!!!!!!!!!!!
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!! To find out that I've had this type of living since 3 or 4 years old.....has helped me not ruminate. Im so thankful for knowing and not thinking im losing it or just exaggerating my experience. im so God damn thankful!!! This has been one of my biggest internal successes. I have found answers, peace, reassurance. I have found knowing in myself; now, I must continue knowing and with guidance from my therapist I hope to be more compassionate in my knowing to myselves, others, and less compassionate for the systems I have been traumatized by....I am determined to make it for those who do not have the benefits that have gotten me thus far to be successful.
God dammit, fuck you and all the people in the guidance office who bullied me. I was right, more than right, I was aware....just not enough. But you were, you all were aware. Shame on you all for watching, mocking, and overall not helping me when I couldn't help myself. Fuck you, and know I'm not going to give up this fight. Even if I help a single person, I will learn to know myself so others can recognize, advocate, and have the place, space, words, and creativity to share their knowing with others.