How do you heal from an almost 8-year relationship?
Problem: My gf has cheated on me for more than 7 years.
Goal: Need some perspective because I think the way I'm dealing with this now is not the best idea.
Context: We fought for more than 7 years just to finally live together because we were LDR. I had to travel 5–6 hours just to see her. Then came the thing we were both so afraid of—her parents and relatives setting her up for a parental arrangement. I remember how much we cried during those times. But she found the courage to run away with my help and her brother from her mother’s side.
She moved to Manila, and later, I followed. We had been living here for more than a year already, but we still weren’t living together because of our work location but we often see each other. Then we finally found a place, and we were so happy because after so many years, we were finally going to live together.
I went home to Mindanao for a vacation because I missed my family so much. When I came back, she picked me up at the airport. On our way home, I sensed that something was different. Whenever we were in a Grab, she would always grab my hand so we could hold hands. That time, she didn’t. I initiated it, but later I took my hand away to grab something and put it back on her lap. She didn’t take it again. I brushed it off at the time, but now I realize why.
She had a chill-out night with her officemates, but she didn’t come home until broad daylight. She said she hadn’t come home because she was giving herself time to think. I was so scared because she didn't seem like herself. Knowing they had been drinking, I thought something had happened to her. I was already crying even if she hadn't said anything yet because I was so scared that something bad had happened to her, but she told me she was fine and just hungover.
Then she said something that tore me apart, she said that maybe living together wasn’t for us and that she didn’t feel any spark in our relationship anymore.
I respected her decision, but in my mind, I thought I would just give her space, make extra effort, and ask her to be my girlfriend again this December, on what was supposed to be our 8th anniversary.
Then she got sick. I took care of her, and because I have a weak immune system, I got sick too. I didn’t mind because I wanted her to take care of me, which she did—but not the way she used to.
On the second night, my fever was really high. I knew she noticed because she touched my forehead and asked if I had taken my medicine. I said yes, but it was like 5 hrs ago. I expected her to give me my medicine, but she didn’t. So, I got up and took my meds.
That was when I realized that maybe there really was no chance anymore, and I needed to start taking care of myself. So I set an alarm for 3:00 am to take my medicine.
When I lay down again, I saw that her phone was open.
And there it was.
I found out that just two weeks after I went home, she had slept with someone else because they were drunk.
It happened when our friends were drinking at our place. There were five of them that night, but three went home. This girl stayed because her place was quite far. She was our “Ate” figure, we genuinely see her as our Ate. They used to be roommates (bedspace), which was how they met, and eventually, we became friends too.
We used to talk about her sometimes and how disgusted we were with the things she did. She had an ex-girlfriend whom she often visited, even though her ex already had a partner. They would find ways to sleep together, even when the partner was around. She said her ex would sleep beside her whenever she visited that's why they could do it, this is all according to our Ate story.
She’s old already that's why she's the Ate in the group but her brain doesn't seem to be developed.
Then I read their messages. There was already an “I love you” and even an endearment between them.
I was literally shaking.. . the betrayal is too much.
How could she do this to me? What happened to us?
I asked how many times it happened. She said it only happened when they were drunk. But later, I found out they had also gone to Sogo because, according to my ex, she didn’t want to do it in our place as if it didn't happened yet. What hurts more is that it was my ex who initiated it.
Of all people, she chose someone like her.
The hardest part is that we’re still living together because I can’t afford to move out, and we agreed to finish our one-year contract. Also, this is my way of taking care of her not to pursue what they had, because I know that this Ate is just using her. My ex's personality is a people pleaser; it's hard for her to say no and easy to believe in something. I know for a fact that she did not initiate what happened when they were drunk because when she's drunk she's just going to sleep, she falls asleep so easily even when not drunk. But maybe her love for me is not that deep at all to give in easily. I just can't believe this is happening.
I’ve never felt this kind of pain before; it's unbearable. I don’t know how to move on. Every time I have free time, all I can think about is what they did.
I pray that this feeling will disappear soon.
Please give me some tips on how I can heal from this.