I’m relapsing
It’s kinda funny, honestly I was doing really good for years. I developed anorexia starting around later single digits and “ending” around late teens. After that I started getting better. I ate more, I didn’t think about it as much, I basically never weighed myself unless for an appointment. I wasn’t super happy with my weight, but i didn’t starve myself, or obsess over calories.
Over the half year or so (I think, I wasn’t paying attention) I lost like — pounds, not intentionally. I had no idea I’d lost weight until different family members started bringing it up. And you’d think this was a good thing, but it’s just brought it to my attention more. The first time it messed me up a little, but I didn’t relapse. After some more family said something it really put it on my mind, but again I tried to ignore it. And mostly succeeded. Recently I had a psych appointment so I weighed myself, and found out I’d lost — pounds. I think that’s when it got a lot worse. Not terrible! But it’s been a decline. Then yesterday, I hadn’t really been eating much the last few days, or at all that day, and my grandma worriedly commented on my weight. Ironically enough, that’s what’s caused me to completely loose any self-restraint. And I only managed to eat something around the AM, and not even because I was really hungry, I just knew I should.
It’s been awhile since being hungry has felt good to me, but lately it has, and it scares me. I actually forgot why I ever thought it felt good for a long time! And I want help, but I’m so tired so so soooo scared of gaining weight again. If nobody ever commented on it, I’d be fine. But now it feels like, because I’m a lot skinnier, I need to stay exactly that weight if not less. I also felt really happy with my body for the longest time, but now it doesn’t feel small enough. I’m also pretty sure me loosing weight correlated with when I stopped taking medication, so now it’s making want to not take it again even though everything got so much worse over time and I’ve gotten suicidal a lot more often.
I don’t know what to do, I want help, but I’m terrified of gaining weight again.
Edit: — is redacted weight and I’ve reworded the numbers