u/X_Canes

At this point, I reserve the right to my fucking bitterness. None of you support me and when I try to say anything to correct you, you get angry at me. Shut up and take my bitterness as this point, I don’t care.

Wrong pronouns, deadnaming, etc. Shut up. I’m in my 30s, I’m tired of being everyone’s punching bag. Absolutely sick and fucking tired of it.

None of you even say it’s cause of transphobia or whatever, you guys just don’t support be really. Admit that to yourselves and stop pretending. You’re all lucky I won’t just burn all the pictures of me growing up because I really want to.

For context, I was told this today by my grandmother. I don’t even care how bitter this post sounds at this point because I am bitter. I hate them. All of them.

I hate having bottom dysphoria so bad that I literally can't do anything myself. I have a partner who lives long distance and I love him so much, I've talked to him about this issue before but...

I feel worthless about not being able to get off and being horny kind of makes me self conscious because I just want to be able to have a dick.

My dose of T was just increased (from 75mg to 100mg), but I haven't had any bottom growth for nearly 7.5 months. I know, I know, bottom growth is different for everyone but it makes me worried.

I feel wrong and like I don't deserve my boyfriend but he loves me and we've been together for almost 6 years, I just feel unworthy of him. He's really an amazing guy and I just want to make him happy but I worry I can't do that.

We just spent like 8hrs (?) of time together streaming a show and I still worry I won't ever be enough for him. In every sense but especially this one.

We're both trans guys and I can't even jerk off because touching my body makes me dysphoric in the current state it's in but I also know I can't just change it with the flip of a coin.

There's also no porn really to watch for what I want because watching straight porn is gross to me (mostly) and most gay porn with a trans guy (most porn of trans men in general) is them bottoming. Lesbian porn isn't going to do it for me without aspects that I hate having to type into a search bar since it feels demeaning.

I can't stand feeling worthless and having no outlet for sexual frustration.

I would still never choose being a cis man of being trans, but I also still feel not good enough.

So, I did a walk through of the alternative living facility that I was applying to and talked to the director/etc. Things went really well, she even said she thought I'd be a good fit. Then, she asked my pronouns (for my own comfort/to be supportive), which I didn't mind because I didn't want to be misgendered and I told her he/him. She went out of her way to say their 5th unit in the building is technically a "male" unit, but said she kept it for trans people atm. Which, to be brutally honest, made me a whole lot more comfy with the idea of going there than being shoved with cis women or cis men.

It made me ecstatic, to be frank. No one seemed like, bigoted or anything, it just feels nicer to know I won't have as hard a time adjusting to people I don't know in my living space. Or, at least, I'll have someone who understands some of the unique struggles I go through. Maybe not everything, but still understands better.

So, I'm currently working on going into alternative housing for mental health related reasons as my current living situation is very unhealthy for me mentally and emotionally (physically as well but not because I'm being directly abused or anything).

I'm having a hard time reconciling that, while the state I live in is accepting, I'll still be forced to room with cis women. I don't pass fully as a guy and, to be honest, don't really want to share an apartment with 2-3 other cis men either. I have lived with cis women my entire life, that's not really the issue. I just don't want to live with other people either really. There's only one alternative living place that has that as an option and they're full (as far as I'm aware) at the moment.

I don't feel comfortable fully sharing at apartment with strangers, but I also don't and can't continue living with my grandmother or other family members whom do not support me. Or tell me that they "love me" but don't have to support me to do that. Worse, some of them say they support me and don't show it then get upset when I correct them.

I'm 30+, I have never lived on my own but I know how to do all the things to take care of myself. I'm just frustrated as hell.