I realized that a lot of atheists don't believe in a higher power because they're wounded deep down.
I've never really had the best life since I was a kid growing up. I remember looking around and seeing others in stable, loving families and asked God, why couldn't I have that too? Why was I hated from others just for existing? Why are some people subject to being born in good countries while others aren't? Why the gap between poverty and wealth? Suffering and wellbeing? Why do a lot of evil people live long and happy while a lot of innocent people suffer to an extreme extent? I've been asking myself similar questions for as long as I can remember. Recently, everything got much worse for me and I've been asking myself: "What did I do to deserve all of this? I'm not perfect, but don't I deserve to be treated like a human too?" and all the suffering is making me feel hopeless that God doesn't care about us, or, some of us at least. I then decided to read the book of Job to find an answer to all the evil and suffering that exists on earth and found nothing that could satisfy my question. Instead, I got even more sad that Job went through all of that for no reason and never ended up getting an answer. He did get blessed in the end which is good, but does that make the suffering he went through right? Does that answer the question why many people in the world don't have a similar outcome in the end and instead end up dying or suffering for the rest of their life? No.
My take away from Job: You'll never get an actual answer to the probem, so it's up to you to decide to either trust God to guide you through your life and the wavering storms that lie ahead, even when he doesn't seem to care, or not believe in him anymore.
And this has been making me doubt the morality of God. I believe God exists because of my own life experiences and my personal outlook on the universe and all it's components, but I can't believe that he isn't evil and loves us. I really do think he wants to see some of us suffer just for his enjoyment, and I'm at the edge of becoming an atheist just because of this. Do I even count as a christian if I believe he's evil? I don't know. I've already digged deep into multiple arguments like the free will argument, acknowledging the power of a higher being through suffering and so on and so forth. None of the arguments have satisfied me, not because they don't have some thought behind them, but rather because they aren't objective arguments. If God himself didn't reveal the true reason as to why we suffer, who can? None of us.
This also made me realize why a lot of atheists don't believe in a higher power. Not all of them of course, but a lot either can't accept that he's good or he doesn't exist because of how wack the world is. It's gut-wrenching what some people go through in silence.
The only person that can fully restore someone's faith in God, is God himself. No one else. Just God. But only if he wants to.
I don't know if I can love God anymore, I don't know if he loves me, I don't know, I don't know.