u/YouReadyGrandma

LYNCHBURG, VA — Liberty University, known for its conservative heritage, stunned the political world today when it released its latest study revealing 35% of current Trump supporters are experiencing anything from “at least a vague sense of unease they can no longer push down,” all the way to “full-blown dissociation.”

Dr. Michael Hendricks, Chair of Cognitive Psychology at Liberty University explained the findings.

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT… Sorry. Old habits. What I meant to say is… When a deeply held worldview begins to fracture, the psychological apparatus responsible for maintaining narrative coherence essentially goes offline. The individual experiences a kind of affective blunting. They are present, they’re functional, but there’s a dissociative buffer between incoming information and conscious processing,” a sweaty and upset Dr. Hendricks stated. “What we’re observing in this cohort is not denial in the classical sense. It’s more accurately described as a protective derealization… the psyche’s last line of defense before full cognitive restructuring becomes unavoidable. So, with all due respect, these folks had better buckle the fuck up!”

WASHINGTON D.C. — The United States Supreme Court approved (6-3) a retroactively drawn map of the country that was submitted by the Trump administration yesterday — allowing it to be applied to the 2020 election between Joe Biden and Donald Trump.

“The legal precedent for retroactively gerrymandering the entire country is that President Trump has been treated very unfairly,” Justice Clarence Thomas told reporters. “In a world that is full of unfairness, this is a move toward making things right. You would have to be morally bankrupt to disagree with this decision.”

The new map, which completely changed the shape of all 50 states, results in millions of Americans finding out they now call a different state their new home.

“I woke up today to hammering. Someone was installing a ‘Welcome to Florida’ sign outside my window,” former New Yorker, Denise Standsford stated. “My husband had just burned some toast so, taking everything into account, I assumed I was having a stroke and now we have a $6,459 ambulance bill.”

In response, Democrats pushed to impeach Trump, citing that the United States Constitution only allows the President to serve two terms.

As of press time, the Supreme Court disagreed and said that Trump could stay President as long as he wanted.

“Think of it as reparations,” Justice Thomas said. “I believe the Democrats are in favor of that.”

The FBI will be without a director until June 15th so that Kash Patel can take a doctor-mandated break from staring at pornography and drinking alcohol.

“So, it’s a quick little break with no internet, no booze,” Sean Hannity said to Patel on Fox News. “What do you plan to do with this time and what’s your focus when you get back?”

“Cash Money Records taking over for the 9-9 into 2000,” Patel replied. “gon’ ride in the Jag yeah, with that head. You could smoke or buy a bag yeah, of grass yeah. Got money I can flash yeah, and trash yeah. I’m a Big Tymer playa yeah, gun sprayer yeah!”

Visibly confused, Hannity pushed for clarity, stating, “That doesn’t sound like taking it easy. What do you mean by all of that?”

Patel then looked directly at Laura Ingraham, who was standing off-camera, and said, “Girl, you looks good, won’t you back that thang up. You’se a big fine woman, won’t you back that thang up. Call me Big Daddy when you back that thang up. Girl, who is you playin with? Back that thang up!”

Upset, Ingraham replied using air-quotes.
“Don’t call me ‘big’ and I most certainly will not be ‘backing’ my ‘thang’ anywhere near you!” Ingraham shouted while pointing at her crotch.

Fox News quickly ended the interview and cut to a commercial for the new MyPillow with Realistic Mouth™️.

When reached for comment, President Trump stated, “I noticed Kash was basically no longer blinking, and when he did, it was one eye at a time. Looked like he was staring and winking. Very creepy stuff. So we said enough of that and we got him looked at and he’s doing great. We’ll see him again soon.”

Until I read Susan Collin’s book ‘Quiet‘ I never consciously realized I was a prattling, annoying bitch. It was one of life’s “aha” moments. I personally don’t believe extroversion is a virtue.

Extroverts: If you took the time to shut the fuck up, your friends would be telling you to shut the fuck up. Here are 5 tips on how to do just that.

1. Develop a negative overall view of your temperament and personality.
Seeing these characteristics as flawed has been extremely helpful to me. So go ahead and learn to acknowledge things that you’re bad at, then pile on the self-criticism.

2. Realize your opinion is meaningless to practically everyone.
Some of my biggest professional successes have come from shutting the fuck up.

I feel most comfortable when I’m silent. The more experiences I’ve had of offering nothing, the more comfortable I’ve become with it.

Once you accumulate some experience keeping your stupid opinions to yourself, and achieving good results from it, it’ll get easier.

3. Understand that you aren’t special.
Extroverts come in one greyish-blah color and are fueled by any sort of attention. Another fundamental aspect is your natural tendency to want to respond back before digesting any information. Instead, go away and ponder. Then, don’t come back.

4. Understand what the fuck you’re doing.

Examples: Interrupting people who are concentrating, creating noisy environments, and never turning off your social mode.

What to do: Minimize and find workarounds for whatever makes you particularly obnoxious. If you are easily overstimulated, you might benefit from reading Francis Brown’s book Everyone Wants You to Shut the Fuck Up!

Consider learning physiological self-harm strategies that will dissuade you from repeat incidents after you’ve succumbed to overstimulation.

5. Distinguish between confidence and being a cocky asshole.
Extroverted people are overconfident in both

(1) their subpar abilities, and
(2) that they will generally be liked by others.

If you’re missing one of these types of confidence, you’re on your way to likability.

Katie Miller, wife of White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy and Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller, gave another interview on Fox News today in which she tried to explain why had she called her husband a “sexual matador” previously.

“When I said that, I want to be clear that I’m more back with the crowd in that scenario. Then we have another man enter the room, who is referred to as ‘the bull’… then there’s the cape…” looking surprised by her own evolving metaphor, Katie Miller trailed off. “…but, I don’t think I am allowed to say anything else about that. Other than it’s totally normal and I do receive a $25 thousand monthly allowance.”

When pressed by host Jesse Watters about the allowance, she deflected.

"But, I just wanted to address the rumors. Nothing else. Yes, I knew who Stephen Miller was when we got married. I have the internet,” Katie stated while showing several unappealing screenshots of Stephen from news articles in her phone. “I married him on purpose. As you can see, I had seen his face multiple times. You have to prepare. Mentally.”

Watters then tried to steer back to the matador metaphor, asking:

“So what else does the matador… do?”

“The matador doesn't just fight the bull. He dances with the bull. He respects the bull. Stephen honors the bull…” Katie Miller stated. “Every inch.”

Clearly uncomfortable, Watters asked: “And where are you in this scenario?”

Katie Miller replied, “I’m sitting on my chair… let’s say… commentating loudly and describing Stephen’s body honestly. That’s what gets my matador’s little sword pointy.”

Watters immediately ended the interview, stating:
“I don’t know. I don’t know where to go from here. It just keeps getting worse. Let’s cut it.”

As of press time Katie Miller had been arrested by ICE.

Citing a string of failed assassination attempts, President Trump announced today that he had constructed a portable $1 trillion ballroom to provide additional security while he is at the golf course.

“It’s sad that it had to come to this,” Trump told a room of reporters. “The communist left has radicalized their following to the point where now a lot of sick people want me dead. But that’s not gonna happen!”

Trump’s new, 67,500 square foot, floor-less ballroom weighs 3,750 tons, has a retractable roof, moves on large tires, and is powered by a team of 1,000 newly-hired Secret Service agents.

“They’re all quite strong, very good-looking men,” Trump said. “Lindsey Graham helped me pick them. Might be the handsomest agents in history. We’re gonna check. Wow, do they look powerful while making it look so easy!”

As of press time, Mr. Trump’s moving ballroom had created approximately $20 million in course damage at Trump International Golf Club. Experts estimate it will take 3–5 years to fully repair the torn up fairways, destroyed greens, cracked cart paths, and snapped trees.

“As you can see from all the destruction at the golf course today, if I didn’t have it, I would be dead,” Trump said. “Look what the left did! Unbelievable!”

As of press time Karoline Leavitt told reporters that money for cancer research was being diverted to repair Trump International Golf Club.

“You have the democrats to thank for this,” Leavitt confirmed.

Snickers announced today that it is introducing the all-new XXXL Gay Snickers bar that features “pronounced veins” and 33 grams of fiber. The new treat is expected to hit shelves in time for summer Gay Pride events.

CEO Poul Weihrauch explained the decision to launch the controversial product.

”It’s no secret that active, sassy bottoms can be a total nightmare when they get hungry,” Weihrauch stated while wiping a tear from his eye. “And they’re witty, meaning what they say can be very hurtful. But this 9.69-inch, veiny candy bar has your daily value of fiber and is sure to help avoid hurting the feelings of those you love."

Weihrauch was also asked why the fiber content was so high.

”Our target demographic knows,” Weihrauch smirked before noting that “internationally, the product will be made with higher quality ingredients due to most of the world having some semblance of standards.”

The XXXL Gay Snickers will also not look the same everywhere it’s sold.

Weihrauch noted that, overseas, the uncomfortably-veiny candy bar will have a “natural, unmutilated, chocolate sheath covering the tip” because the “American version was weirding everyone else out.”

As of press time, president Trump had already posted to Truth Social about the new Snickers bar:

"AS PRESIDENT I CANNOT ALLOW PERVERTED CANDY BARS TO BE ON DISPLAY NEXT TO THE WHOLESOME CANDY THAT CHILDREN LOVE AND ENJOY!!! LOOKING INTO REVOKING MARS' BUSINESS LICENSE. NOTICE HOW THERE'S NO XXXL WHITE GAY SNICKERS... I'D CALL IT 'THE ARNOLD PALMER' AND IT WOULD BE MUCH BIGGER!!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER -DJT"

In response, Mars, Inc. released a statement simply stating that “everyone should be more concerned that Mr. Trump has been putting his extra small Snickers in and around children.”

Countless Spirit Airlines ticket holders were not entirely surprised upon arriving at the airport only to discover that the company had declared bankruptcy, gone out of business, and canceled all flights abruptly. CEO Dave Davis, who just received a multi-million dollar bonus, says the company has never wasted money and that the move was not made without research.

“Focus groups comprised of over 2,000 passengers consistently took free Spirit Airlines flights before almost exclusively reporting back that the ideal Spirit flight experience would be 'Literally anything else'," Davis stated. “And that’s when a customer is flying with us for free.”

Davis says that’s when he decided to pull the plug.

Meanwhile, several would-be passengers in Atlantic City, Philadelphia, and Newark Airports were greeted by ‘Opening Soon!’ Spirit Halloween signs as the typically-seasonal holiday store sets up to test a new market.

“If grown men can cosplay as heroes in ICE uniforms inside of airports, who says you can’t wear a Heated Rivalry or Harry Potter Halloween costume once you get past security?” Spirit Halloween CEO Steven Silverstein stated. “Plus the weird fog, odd smells, and occasional lifeless body near Spirit gates are intentional now.”

Notably, the JD Power North American Airline Satisfaction Study was published one day later, with Spirit Airlines receiving its highest customer satisfaction rating ever recorded thanks to customers describing an “immediate and understandable relief” upon hearing the company had finally shut down.

Back-to-back headlines on AP home page right now read:

Trump says he's 'not satisfied' with Iran's proposal to end the war

And

White House tells Congress it considers Iran war
'terminated' despite presence of US armed forces in region