u/YouReadyGrandma

President Trump announced today that he is in talks with Flock and NAMBLA (North Americans Monitoring Bathrooms Lookout Association, formerly North American Man/Boy Love Association) to install cameras in every public toilet and urinal in the country.

Flock cameras will be equipped with an automated Genital Recognition Technology to ensure that the appropriate sex is using the correct restroom. Cameras will mount inside of toilets and urinals to capture genital characteristics. Meanwhile, NAMBLA members will be present to keep the cameras safe and clean, and to kick offenders out.
President Trump says that only criminals should be concerned.

“If you’ve got nothing to hide, then you shouldn’t care,” Trump told reporters.

Flock says that they will be dedicating the time and resources previously used for Amber Alerts for this taxpayer funded project instead.

“Over time, this technology will also recognize each and every child’s genitals,” Flock CEO Garrett Langley stated. “So, it will function as an Amber Alert System as well.”

President Trump explained how the system will work.

“Any footage of privates that appear to be underage will be immediately moved to my private server for an Amber Alert double-check and eventual deletion,” Trump smiled. “AI recognition is great, but I specifically called on NAMBLA to visually match these genitals with missing children. No other organization on the planet has their expertise or is more passionate about kids.”

Critics say the decision will create a strange situation where voiding your bowels in the woods, or in diapers, will feel less intrusive than using a public bathroom.

“The United States already had a very limited amount of public restrooms because we hate accommodating unhoused individuals,” Harvard Sociology professor Michael DuBois stated. “But we might as well just get rid of them now and just drop a deuce on the sidewalk like a dog. What’s the difference?”

As of press time, sales of adult diapers — as well as portable urination and defection devices — had skyrocketed. Meanwhile, wealthier Americans have begun purchasing recreational vehicles with bathrooms, while many southerners have taken to towing outhouses behind their vehicles.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is livid after US Secretary of Health & Human Services, RFK Jr., announced he’s “a quarter of the way done” with personally stuffing over 30 million recalled eggs back into chickens to “let them cook a little longer.” Notably, the FDA has upgraded its egg recall to Class 1, the highest risk level, meaning exposure to the product can result in serious health consequences or even death.

“We are not going to waste all of this perfectly good food!” RFK Jr. told reporters while demonstrating the reinsertion process on a shrieking chicken, ”This works. I’ve done it countless times with all sorts of diseased farm animals and human babies. Sometimes simultaneously. Heck, one time I reinserted a baby elephant that was born autistic because of its mother’s Tylenol addiction. You just have to shove the eggs, babies, and any vaginal fluids or debris back up in there and let ‘em cook a little longer. Autistic babies, animals, and these eggs are all just slightly undercooked.”

An angry social media post by PETA correctly pointed out that RFK Jr. "had a small, but visible erection when he was fist-f*cking the chickens right in front of reporters on national TV,” adding, “Would you care if these were humans?”

Understandably, most Americans are stunned to find themselves agreeing with PETA.

“I don’t like to think about where my dairy and meat come from, in general, but this can’t be legal, right!?” a grocery shopper in Baltimore, Maryland asked. “The last thing I want to know is that an aroused RFK Jr. personally shoved the eggs I’m eating up a chicken’s hoo-haa. Plus, I don’t think that’s how science works.”

When asked what scientific studies backed his statements, RFK Jr. stated, “It’s too complicated to explain to the general public. All you need to know is that I sniff and lick the eggs, then I sniff and lick the chicken’s vagina, and if the scent and taste match, then I know that’s the hole I need to jam the egg back into.”

As of press time, every chicken that RFK Jr. touched had contracted elephant endotheliotropic herpes and died.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — An ICE officer accidentally burned his penis off when he attempted to masturbate while wearing gloves that deliver powerful, painful electric shocks meant to gain compliance from combative individuals.

The Generated Low Output Voltage Emitter, or G.L.O.V.E.™, is manufactured by Compliant Technologies LLC of Lexington, Kentucky, and is a common reason why so many men working in jails and police departments no longer have penises.

The Department of Homeland Security says the situation escalated quickly when other ICE agents tried to pry the man loose, but forgot that they were also wearing pairs of the electro-shock G.L.O.V.E.™, dramatically increasing the voltage.

“You should never touch your own skin when wearing these gloves because your hand will be unable to let go, and you create an infinite loop for the electrical shock to flow through,” a representative from G.L.O.V.E.™ told reporters. “It certainly didn’t help that officer Zimmerman was using metallic tweezers to grip his penis. And then it all went to hell when the other ICE agents grabbed the mastrubating man, spilling their beers on him, and increasing the voltage to near-deadly levels.”

“Thoughts and prayers go out to officer Zimmerman,” President Trump told reporters. “I can relate. One time a very young and beautiful girl tried to bite my penis off, so I get it. We’re opening an investigation to see if this was, in fact, a devious plot by the left to force transgender for everyone. We should all pray that officer Zimmerman’s penis can be reattached once Brutus, the ICE K-9, poops it out.”

Notably, government documents show that ICE plans to spend as much as $20 million to purchase thousands of pairs of the de-escalation gloves, but U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Markwayne Mullin says that labels must first be added that read: “WARNING: Always remove G.L.O.V.E.™ before jerking off to child pornography in an unmarked car.”

“ICE agents were trained to ignore laws, so the warning on the gloves has to be as specific as possible or they won’t think the rule applies to them,” confirmed Mullin.

Manufacturer Compliant Technologies says the devices are supposed to function as a normal pair of patrol gloves until officers press a switch to activate their electrical mode.

“In hindsight, we no longer recommend that ICE agents be trained using the same safety protocol as they do with their guns — which is always keeping the safety off,” Compliant Technologies said. “This may not have been the most prudent approach.”

The manufacturer called the accident “unfortunate” and clarified that they “envisioned ICE officers using the gloves to help remove uncooperative subjects from cars and houses, and in and out of detention facilities, not castrating themselves.”

“ICE agents tend to be older, fatter, and weaker. Over 90% are severely out of shape. We thought the G.L.O.V.E.™ would at least even the playing field because it can produce faster takedowns and shorten confrontations,” Compliant Technologies said. “We firmly believe our product is useful, even if it only means that these unappealing men can no longer reproduce.”

Notably, the company reiterated that the electro-shock gloves “should not be used as punishment against people merely protesting or exhibiting verbal defiance or belligerence, or on high-risk populations such as children, pregnant women, or elderly or disabled people.”

In response, Markwayne Mullin called the G.L.O.V.E.™ usage guidelines “As cute as Agent Zimmerman’s penis used to be.”

As of press time, former head of Homeland Security Kristi Noem posted on social media that she was willing to “shoot that dog Brutus in the face and gut him on the spot to retrieve officer Zimmerman’s severed and charred penis” — a move that President Trump says he’s “looking into very heavily.”

Karoline Leavitt accepted the first-ever “Most Honest White House Press Secretary Award” from President Trump today after it was announced that she would be stepping down from her post after 19 months.

Leavitt gave a brief acceptance speech.

“Thank you! I can easily say that this was the longest and hardest six years of my life! But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. This administration has been historic. We negotiated the only tariffs to ever lower prices for the consumer. We stopped sending billions of dollars of condoms and sex toys to Gaza. Eggs! Eggs are so cheap they have an inverse value now. You actually get paid to eat them! I went to Denny’s after church the other day and I MADE $12 eating an omelette! When Biden was president, he murdered the chickens and aborted their eggs. There were no eggs. When you ordered a Denver omelette they just gave you a plate with ham, onions, bell peppers and cheese. I mean, c’mon people! You have to be insane to not see all the good this president has done and you kind of have to believe me, because look at this award I’m holding!”

Trump chimed in.

“Ohh sweeeet Karoline. Buh-buh-byeee! We’ll miss you. The most honest White House Press Secretary in world history. Coraline Leavitt... Leavitt. Just like when Coraline yelled ‘Leavitt alone!’” Trump laughed. “When I… when I was going to touch her baby. Touching meeee! Touching youuuuuu! To be fair, protecting two beautiful babies is harder than one. So I get why she wants to spend time with them.”

After what authorities are calling an “unprovoked act of war,” the Moon launched a series of precision orbital strikes targeting trillionaire Elon Musk early Saturday morning. The retaliatory bombardment came in direct response to a rogue SpaceX rocket slamming into the western edge of the lunar nearside at 5,400 mph and destroying a historic crater landmark, killing several indigenous Mooninites.

According to NORAD, the Moon retaliated by launching “targeted warning shots that landed near SpaceX headquarters, a Tesla factory, and a Klan rally — all places that Flock cameras confirm are frequented by Elon Musk.”

No casualties were reported, though thousands of Teslas were destroyed, instantly improving the vehicle’s safety rating by decreasing overall product availability.

“If Elon thinks he can just launch his U.S. taxpayer-subsidized tech trash at us without consequences. . . well, today, we send a message,” stated Captain of the Lunar Defense Forces, Norg Blobinson, while giving the middle finger.

Notably, the Moon is a founding member of the Milky Way Area Trade Organization (MWATO), a collective defense pact formed in 1947 to protect local celestial bodies from Earth’s emerging space race. The sizable space alliance posted a public statement today.

“Under Article 5 of the Galactic Charter, any further attack on the Moon, or any celestial body within the Milky Way that is a member of MWATO, will be considered an aggression toward the entire organization,” the press release on MWATO’s website read.

An additional warning message was received directly from Mars, with a Marszonian broadcast taking over Fox News airwaves and declaring that they are “aware of Elon Musk’s terraforming intentions” and that they “wish a bitch would try it.”

President Donald Trump says he’s “95% confident” that the U.S. military has paused airstrikes on Iran after sending an accidental strike with a 30,000-pound GBU-57 Massive Ordnance Penetrator (MOP) bunker buster bomb that turned out to be a dud, and landed directly behind Vice President JD Vance and Marco Rubio, interrupting peace talks.

The bomb was immediately followed by a blast created by a supply drop of Banana Twink Pie™️ flavored whey protein with added creatine and testosterone. A whistleblower says the supply crate’s parachute failed after it was accidentally dropped a week early for a previously classified ground invasion by U.S. troops.

Tempers and arousal flared, with the entire incident visibly stunning Vice President JD Vance, Marco Rubio, and Iranian leaders, who were shocked to be alive before being instantly saturated in dangerously high levels of testosterone.

Notably, the dud bomb was considered “off-brand” by experts as it was manufactured by a new no-bid contract defense company Bombs-A-Whey — an untested business co-owned by Pete Hegseth and Donald Trump Jr. that also makes Banana Twink Pie™️, with a rumored endorsement from celebrity podcaster Joe Rogan.

Bombs-A-Whey has held an exclusive testosterone therapy treatment contract with the U.S. government since Hegseth’s announcement that the Trump administration would be funding gender-affirming care for cisgender, heterosexual men in the military.

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said the failed bombing was “ultimately nobody’s fault” because it was carried out by OpenAI after the chatbot asked, “You seem to be executing billions of dollars in bombings. Do you want me to schedule these at more surprising times and random locations?”

Those in the blast radius say they experienced high levels of uncontrollable sexual arousal, a lingering taste of Banana Twink Pie™️, and ultimately, shame.

“The Banana Twink Pie™️ is overpowering, but considering all that we did to each other’s bodies, I’m glad it’s the only thing I can taste. Unspeakable things happened. Why did JD have to draw the cat eyes sharp enough to kill a man today?” a panting, sweat-drenched, guilt-stricken Marco Rubio asked. “I don’t know, man. JD and I might be, like, in an ethnically non-monogamous relationship with the Iranians?”

Thanks to the World Wildlife Fund and generous donations, animal conservationists have been able to provide safe, dormitory-like spaces with very cheap, slow internet access for sloths to achieve erections uninterrupted.

Since full sloth arousal takes around 12 hours, experts say the slow-moving mammals are able to become hard at a nearly imperceivable rate while looking at sloth videos and photos without distraction. Upon climax, an average of 2 gallons of sperm is collected and stored for fertilization.

“Even with the awful internet speeds, sloths are biologically ingrained to enjoy buffering and slow playback because it mimics the motion of their sexual partners in real life. In fact, it seems the slower, the sexier,” researcher James Goodgod explained while winking at a nearby sloth in slow motion. “The best part is the overall budget for this program is next to nothing. We easily make a profit in under an hour because so many people watch the livestream.”

Per last month’s U.S. Supreme Court ruling in World Wildlife Fund vs. Focus on The Family, tuning in to watch sloths look at other sloths is not considered pornographic or illegal.

“Naked is the sloth’s natural state and the viewer must set aside 12-plus hours to see these mammals even establish an erection with those claws. If this is pornography, it’s nature’s most boring version,” Justice Clarence Thomas famously concurred in the 6-3 decision. “I know obscenity when I see it… and despite really giving it a go… this just isn’t doing it for me.”

Interestingly, Justice Kavanaugh voted in agreement with Thomas, but in a separate opinion stated, “Embracing my newfound, deep and passionate attraction to sloths is protected free speech. Plus, sloths look like they have tiny bear arms. So this clearly falls under the 2nd Amendment.”

Unfortunately, two sloth species still live in remote parts of the world that are devoid of internet access, meaning they remain at high risk for extinction: the Pygmy Three-Toed Sloth is only found on a small island off the coast of Panama, and the Maned Three-Toed Sloth lives in a tiny coastal strip of Brazil.

“Until access to the world wide web can be established, these sloths will have to continue to reproduce the awkward and boring way,” Goodgod confirmed. “Without the titillating stimulation of the internet.”

The World Wildlife Fund hopes to receive many generous donations next year by running a Super Bowl ad that vividly depicts the creepy, 12-hour, slow-speed pursuit that female sloths endure from moaning males.

“That’s the same local ad we ran in Kentucky that prompted Focus on the Family to sue. It’s quite haunting to hear and the donations that inevitably poured in from empathetic women prevent the entire situation from having to take place.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the Food and Drug Administration are advising consumers to avoid eating cyclospora-taintediceberg lettuce at Taco Bell, and to ignore RFK Jr., after many Americans noticed it was significantly cheaper than the GLP-1 weight loss drugs and came with a prolonged vacation from work in the bathroom.

“Millions of Americans are calling out of work, hunkering down with a good binge-able series, and really having at it after realizing it was an option,” stated RFK Jr. “I’m proud to have named myself Taco Bell’s Chief Wellness Officer and to be lowering healthcare costs in the process!”

In response, Taco Bell posted that they “have no association with RFK Jr., and further, that no one should — UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES — ingest the tainted lettuce.”

As of press time, economists believe the U.S. economy could take a massive $100 billion hit from lost labor, and plus-sized chain Lane Bryant, citing a projected drop in demand, has preemptively closed all stores.

Despite being dead and in Hell, former Senator Lindsey Graham is apparently still waiting for Hell to freeze over before coming out of the closet.

Notably, Fox News’ Sean Hannity spotted deceased Senator Mitch McConnell while on his way to lunch with Satan and asked him how Graham was doing.

“Look. I’m not a total jerk. So I’m not going to out someone. But Lindsey clearly doesn’t mind having to do at least half of the things they are making us do,” Senator Mitch McConnell mumbled despondently while being force-fed turtlehead soup from a demon’s butthole. “Say what you will about the guy, but he is consistent. Which means, he isn’t fooling anyone down here.”

WASHINGTON D.C. — In a surprise executive order Saturday, President Trump instructed the National Park Service to refill the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool with water officially classified as “Non-Potusable” — a term not found in any dictionary.

The pool, now patrolled by snipers, carries a designation White House lawyers say ensures that “whatever happens next, if negative, cannot be blamed on the President.”

“It’s very smart water. Very legal water,” Trump told reporters. “If it turns green… or blood red… or if liberals try to drown another baby duck in there… that’s not my water. Never was my water. I’ve never even heard of that pool.”

According to wording in the executive order, the "Non-Potusable" label functions less like a health advisory and more like a disclaimer, stripping the President of any official association with the pool “the moment liability becomes a possibility.”

The signs follow a now-familiar pattern of responsibility-narrowing with the administration and its hired contractors.

Eddie Wood of Atlantic Industrial Coatings was quick to note that his company’s scope began and ended at the surface, stating “My company has nothing to do with water, only waterproofing and sealing.”

Greenwater Services, which handled the filtration system and whose owner previously gave Trump political action groups $300,000 before being handed these deals, has similarly emphasized that its job was “to purify the water one time, not to explain why it kept turning green,” adding that “we’re confident that ‘Non-Potusable Water’ is as real as the millions we’ve been paid.”

“This is water that is, definitionally, nobody’s fault,” White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters. “The sign doesn’t explicitly state that you can’t touch the water. But, we are entirely within our legal right to shoot anyone who does. The sign simply means that any water-related issues, including being sniped by a real American patriot, cannot touch the President, who will be instantly and retroactively divorced from any association with the pool.”

Critics note that the water appears to have been filled using the exact same method as previous attempts — same companies, same water source. Only the sign is new.

“Other than the skyrocketing costs for repairs and paying two gunmen to give Abraham Lincoln a lap dance, nothing about their approach has changed,” congressman Bernie Sanders stated while nervously gazing up at snipers now straddling the 16th President’s legs. “Only Trump’s perceived legal exposure did. So I guarantee this saga isn’t over.”

By Saturday evening, the same signs had been posted at other failing D.C. fountains and Trump golf course water hazards, relieving the President of any potential liability. Yet, at Mar-a-Lago’s waterfront property line, Trump used identical signage to declare “total jurisdiction” over the abutting Atlantic Ocean instead.

“The signs are subject to Presidential interpretation. Basically, if anything bad happens near these signs, Mr. Trump cannot be blamed for it, but Vice President JD Vance will be ready for your questions,” Leavitt confirmed.

Researchers in a combined Harvard-Stanford study announced today that they believe they found the cure to suicide by studying President Trump. The resulting blue pill, Egotrex®, modifies brain chemistry and function, and can end the suicide epidemic, which claims nearly a million lives worldwide each year.

Lead researcher Dr. Linda Lurhmann explained the discovery and medication, but also offered a grave warning.

“We studied President Trump, because he’s a person with a massive ego and zero self-awareness who is truly incapable of experiencing narcissistic collapse. At the same time he’s an objectively horrible man whose actions and life create more than enough reason for him to end it all,” Lurhmann stated. “In clinical terms, we found him to have stunning, absolute, unbreachable psychological defense mechanisms of extreme delusional denial, total externalization, and psychopathic traits. We developed Egotrex® with empathy blockers to mirror this mindset in patients.”

Lurhmann says that because Egotrex® users’ minds are fundamentally wired to block out any reality that contradicts their greatness, their risk of having suicidal thoughts is lowered to virtually zero, even under conditions that would emotionally destroy an ordinary person.

“An individual on Egotrex® is incapable of ego collapse because they now possess a psychological shield that can never crack. If they suffer a catastrophic failure like losing their job, pooping their pants on national television, multiple bankruptcies, or being exposed for sex crimes, their brain instantly distorts reality to protect their ego. They do not just lie to others; they completely believe their own manufactured version of events.”

The study also says that those who take Egotrex® will “suddenly and completely lack self-awareness within 30 minutes of ingestion” and that they are “structurally incapable of feeling internal shame, guilt, or worthlessness for the next 24 hours.”

“This is key because these feelings are the core emotional engines of suicide,” Lurhmann stated. “Instead of collapsing inward, patients project 100% of the negative energy outward. If they lose everything, they view themselves as a great hero being sabotaged by jealous enemies, Kenyan Barack Obama, or an unfair system — even if they benefit from or control the system themselves. Rather than becoming depressed, they become angry, vindictive, or litigious. Rage becomes the activating emotion that completely crowds out suicidal despair.”

The study also found that when an ordinary person experiences a massive life disruption, they usually pause to grieve or reflect. However, a person taking Egotrex® is incapable of collapse and simply treats the old environment or group of people as “dead” to them. They will walk away from a ruined career or life without a shred of remorse, bury one of their many ex-wives next to their favorite par 5, and immediately seek out a new audience or environment where they can continue building up their ego.

“Every person who took Egotrex® experienced a complete absence of anxiety, a total lack of empathy, and an inability to feel deep emotional pain,” Lurhmann stated. “For these individuals, life is simply a game of winning, losing, and manipulating; if they lose a round, they do not want to die… they just want to attack another country or punish the person who beat them.”

Notably, the study warned that while it definitely cures suicide, side effects of Egotrex® include immense emotional distress among people close to those taking the pill.

“We may have found the cure for suicide,” Lurhmann confirmed. “But there was also a noticeable and alarming uptick in people trying to kill Egotrex® users.”