r/SatireLikeTheOnion

Following their recent high-profile, star-studded, secret wedding ceremony at Madison Square Garden, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announced today that they will be doing a “Wedding Party Tour”. The 148-date wedding ceremony extravaganza will span 50 cities, three continents, and feature one increasingly exhausted officiant: Adam Sandler.

“I am in no way physically or mentally prepared for this, so it should get pretty interesting,” Sandler admitted. “I was shaba-doo-drunk when I agreed to officiate. Taylor and Travis are wonderful people, but this is crazy, right? Like actually insane?”

Sandler says his wife, Jackie, divorced him after 23 years of marriage when she heard he would be touring with the newlywed couple for 632 days.

“I’ll miss my wife, but my lawyers all said they’d never seen such an airtight, legally-binding contract,” Sandler confirmed. “My darling Jackie, you were to be my partner for life. I loved you to the Moon and to Saturn."

Notably, Guinness World Records says that when it’s all said and done, Taylor and Travis’s final wedding price tag of $3.87 billion will eclipse the previous record of $1 billion set by Russian oil heir Said Gutseriev and wife Khadija Uzhakhova.

Swift added that those in attendance will get to watch the happy couple “reenact our fairytale day from start to finish, including the consummation of our marriage.”

Known for having unique show elements every day, Swift and Kelce say the historic Wedding Party Tour will also feature “surprise romantic partner mash-ups every night to keep things interesting.”

“We’re both polyamorous and pansexual, so it could really be almost anyone joining me and Taylor,” Travis Kelce grinned before winking at Adam Sandler and blowing him a kiss.

Source: https://newsthump.com/2026/05/06/who-amongst-us-hasnt-accepted-five-million-pounds-in-cash-with-no-expectation-of-anything-in-return-insists-farage/

Unofficially listed as missing since Mid-June, Senator Mitch McConnell was finally located late last night when two good samaritans found him lying on his back near the Reflecting Pool in Washington D.C. Authorities say McConnell told them he “was headed toward the pool for a drink” weeks ago when he slipped and ended up on his back.

”His incredibly-slow blinking rate alarmed us. At first we thought he was dead,” confirmed a Washington D.C. Wildlife Control press release. “He was in the sun and elements for weeks, but luckily his thick, leathery skin helped reduce water loss and protect against any potential abrasions.”

Depleted of energy, McConnell gave a brief statement by spelling it out with leafy greens and carrots.

“A lot of people, kids especially, would stop and take pictures of me. A few parents would say: ‘Don’t touch it! You’ll get a disease!’” McConnell spelled. “Thank Torterra my breath attracted enough tasty flies to sustain me.”

Wildlife Control says the Senator is lucky he never made it to the reflecting pool.

”Given the current state of the water, it’s likely Senator McConnell would have died from ingesting it,” confirmed a Wildlife Control representative.

The two men who found McConnell confirmed he “smelled like sh*t and was asking for a heat lamp.”

Authorities say they are currently calming and rehabilitating him in a state wildlife facility by placing the naked McConnell in a hot enclosure, under a blanket, with leafy greens, pellets, and water.

“Although Mr. McConnell was essentially just staring at the sky for two weeks, this experience still left him overstimulated. A little break from everything should help,” Wildlife Control confirmed.

As of press time, Donald Trump had signed an executive order stating that “All Republican politicians, except for John Thune, Brian Fitzpatrick, Rand Paul, Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, Mitch McConnell, and Thom Tillis, regardless of seniority, are currently protected under federal law.”

”Should a citizen see a protected Republican in the wild, they must not harm them,” Trump told reporters. “But this list is subject to change.”

When asked why McConnell was unprotected, Trump responded: "Who?"