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▲ 54 r/SatireLikeTheOnion+4 crossposts

Inside Unjected, the Dating App for Anti-Vaxxer (Unpaywalled)

Unjected isn’t the only dating platform for the unvaccinated. There’s the similarly named Unjabbed, and the unfortunately named Pureblood.Dating. The frenzy of the pandemic is over—vaccine requirements have relaxed, and few people are asking one another whether they’ve been vaccinated before hanging out or hooking up. So why are these unvaccinated singles so stuck on the question? 

According to public health historian and Auburn University professor Zachary W. Schulz, PhD, a distrust in vaccines began long before COVID-19 upended our lives. “Americans as a society have long debated the balance between individual liberty and collective responsibility in public health,” Shultz says.

“COVID didn’t invent vaccine hesitancy,” Shultz says. “It really magnified the fault lines that were developing for decades.”

That, combined with the social isolation of the pandemic (which can breed conspiratorial thinking) and a government that promoted anti-science rhetoric around the illness, created the perfect storm.

Research shows that shared values in questioning authority can help foster belonging and social security—something that might become especially important for a person like Armstrong, whose vaccine skepticism cost him most of his previous community. 

“If someone has repeatedly experienced criticism, ridicule, or rejection because of their beliefs, joining a dating platform where those beliefs are normalized provides immediate acceptance,” says psychologist Lauren Mahoney, PsyD. “Most people are drawn toward communities where they feel seen rather than communities where they expect to defend themselves.”

Read more: https://www.playboy.com/read/sex/anti-vaxxers-made-their-own-dating-app

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u/playboy — 1 day ago
▲ 47 r/SatireLikeTheOnion

ICE Officer Burns Penis Off With Electro-Shock G.L.O.V.E.™

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — An ICE officer accidentally burned his penis off when he attempted to masturbate while wearing gloves that deliver powerful, painful electric shocks meant to gain compliance from combative individuals.

The Generated Low Output Voltage Emitter, or G.L.O.V.E.™, is manufactured by Compliant Technologies LLC of Lexington, Kentucky, and is a common reason why so many men working in jails and police departments no longer have penises.

The Department of Homeland Security says the situation escalated quickly when other ICE agents tried to pry the man loose, but forgot that they were also wearing pairs of the electro-shock G.L.O.V.E.™, dramatically increasing the voltage.

“You should never touch your own skin when wearing these gloves because your hand will be unable to let go, and you create an infinite loop for the electrical shock to flow through,” a representative from G.L.O.V.E.™ told reporters. “It certainly didn’t help that officer Zimmerman was using metallic tweezers to grip his penis. And then it all went to hell when the other ICE agents grabbed the mastrubating man, spilling their beers on him, and increasing the voltage to near-deadly levels.”

“Thoughts and prayers go out to officer Zimmerman,” President Trump told reporters. “I can relate. One time a very young and beautiful girl tried to bite my penis off, so I get it. We’re opening an investigation to see if this was, in fact, a devious plot by the left to force transgender for everyone. We should all pray that officer Zimmerman’s penis can be reattached once Brutus, the ICE K-9, poops it out.”

Notably, government documents show that ICE plans to spend as much as $20 million to purchase thousands of pairs of the de-escalation gloves, but U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Markwayne Mullin says that labels must first be added that read: “WARNING: Always remove G.L.O.V.E.™ before jerking off to child pornography in an unmarked car.”

“ICE agents were trained to ignore laws, so the warning on the gloves has to be as specific as possible or they won’t think the rule applies to them,” confirmed Mullin.

Manufacturer Compliant Technologies says the devices are supposed to function as a normal pair of patrol gloves until officers press a switch to activate their electrical mode.

“In hindsight, we no longer recommend that ICE agents be trained using the same safety protocol as they do with their guns — which is always keeping the safety off,” Compliant Technologies said. “This may not have been the most prudent approach.”

The manufacturer called the accident “unfortunate” and clarified that they “envisioned ICE officers using the gloves to help remove uncooperative subjects from cars and houses, and in and out of detention facilities, not castrating themselves.”

“ICE agents tend to be older, fatter, and weaker. Over 90% are severely out of shape. We thought the G.L.O.V.E.™ would at least even the playing field because it can produce faster takedowns and shorten confrontations,” Compliant Technologies said. “We firmly believe our product is useful, even if it only means that these unappealing men can no longer reproduce.”

Notably, the company reiterated that the electro-shock gloves “should not be used as punishment against people merely protesting or exhibiting verbal defiance or belligerence, or on high-risk populations such as children, pregnant women, or elderly or disabled people.”

In response, Markwayne Mullin called the G.L.O.V.E.™ usage guidelines “As cute as Agent Zimmerman’s penis used to be.”

As of press time, former head of Homeland Security Kristi Noem posted on social media that she was willing to “shoot that dog Brutus in the face and gut him on the spot to retrieve officer Zimmerman’s severed and charred penis” — a move that President Trump says he’s “looking into very heavily.”

u/YouReadyGrandma — 5 days ago