u/Yourgothgrandpa

I will try to keep this as brief as possible as to not make this post extremely long.
Around December, I noticed my sweet boy Baby Cat vomitting frequently. I assumed it was maybe a stomach bug, something easily treated. Took him to the vet, got meds, and he was doing well for a bit. After a few weeks, the vomitting continued and his weight was rapidly dropping. This lead to many more vet visits, tests, medication…the doctors weren’t able to find the exact source of what was causing his illness, but his blood cell count was extremely low - severe life threatening anemia. He was tested for leukemia amongst other diseases and still, no luck. I kept Baby on a round of steroids to try and get his weight up, which worked for a little, but once again, he quickly declined. I don’t think my baby weighed more than 5 pounds at the end. He almost stopped eating and drinking completely, slept all day, and began falling down. Today, I made the extremely difficult decision to euthanize. I am currently so riddled with guilt and regret. I was a coward and didn’t look him in the eyes when they did it, and I had him on the table instead of in my arms. I thought I was sparing myself, but I regret that the most. I feel like I should have kept pushing to find out his prognosis. What if he was treatable and I just signed away his life? That cat was the absolute best friend I could have ever had. He was so special, and I just let him die. I am disgusted with myself and have so much hate. My baby is gone and it’s all my fault. The doctor told me I was doing the right thing, that he likely had cancer, but even still, I just feel like I didn’t do him justice. He was a sweet innocent baby, and I let him go. I am so grief stricken that I don’t even know what to do with myself.
Baby Cat, I am so beyond sorry.