I have a great roomate but...I'm feeling very stuck as a confrontational person
Throw away account because we both love reddit. I really just want a perspective on if I'm leaning into micro-managing, even though I haven't said anything. Just been festering in my brain, which is never good.
I'm starting to find myself feeling passive aggressive when it comes to house work, and I'm a relatively confrontational person. If I dont take the trash or set it out, it's not taken. If I don't start the dishwasher, it's not starting. If I don't refill the dish soap, it's sitting empty. If I don't wipe down the counters or the stove, the same stains and crumbs will be there the next X amount of days. I've even tried writing down on sticky notes chore reminders, or the shared items we need.. texted, or told in person, nothing. I still end up being the one to get it and am met with a "Wow, how do you do it all?!". Now I do work from home, but I work very long hours. They are out of the home for work or other events more than I am. I'd still say they are home a very normal or standard amount, as in plenty of opportunity to do some sort of community living chores.
They are not a dirty person by any means, we keep a clean and nice space. But I find myself feeling constantly overwhelmed, feeling like if I just stopped doing these things they wouldn't happen or would take an over extended period of time. I feel guilty for starting to give that energy back by trying to do less and give them a chance to fill in the gaps, maybe I'm just too on it. But that's the thing, I do let dishes sit in the sink for a couple days (to soak of course! lol) and I'm not always on it and they don't give me problem. I do the same for them on these minor things, we are only human afterall. This is different, we used to be able to have conversation that "We both always get to it sooner than later so as long as things are getting done", but I haven't felt that way in a while. At the time I agreed and did not feel any imbalance in effort.
I have ADHD, work an extremely demanding job that often puts me at 65+ hours a week, and don't want my burnout to be a projection on them. I know the resolution = conversation. I know their perspective is "I don't care things always get done" so that's why I feel they would take it negatively from me asking "Are you waiting for me to do these things, or are you just forgetting? Or what the hell is it?" Or should I do my best to stay in my lane, proceed as usual with doing things around the house, and lean into the "let them" of it all for the sake of my own mental. If you've made it this far, thank you.
ETA: A main concern is wondering if there is an underlying weaponization of incompetence going on. They've told me they don't know how to clean the oven. I've told them how and showed them what I use. They also can "never remember" which is why I try multiple avenues of reminding them, but at that point I always end up feeling like with that amount of energy I could have just done it myself. Is that the mission? Or am I driving myself insane