r/roommates

hi! my bf and i are thinking of moving in with another couple friends of ours and i was wondering if people had experiences with 2 couples living together?

we’re planning to get a 4 bedroom & 2 bathroom house so each couple will get 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom each.

i’ve heard mixed opinions on this arrangement so i thought i’d ask to hear from people who have experienced this! i’m scared that this would end our friendship.

thank you!!

Background context: I (28F) have been friends and roommates with my roommate (28F) since college. We've lived together for about 8 years, even moving to different cities together.

Our lives have gone in very different directions. I finished college, built a career, and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. She dropped out of college, worked an entry-level job until she was fired last year, and has been unemployed ever since. Her parents pay her rent, she doesn't have friends besides me, drinks heavily every day (usually 1/3 bottle of vodka or 6+ seltzers), and spends most of her time at home scrolling on her phone. She isn't disruptive or a terrible roommate. She mostly keeps to herself and cleans up after herself but she doesn't seem interested in changing her situation.

I've spent years trying to help her figure out what she's struggling with, but I've realized nothing changes unless she wants it to. Living with someone who spends every day drinking and doing nothing has made the atmosphere in our home feel really depressing, even though she isn't causing any obvious problems.

Our friendship has changed over time too. She gets visibly upset when I spend time with my boyfriend or other friends without her, but when we do things together it's hard to connect because she has nothing going on in her life anymore. I don't want every conversation to become about her struggles, but I also don't know what else to talk about.

The biggest issue is that my boyfriend and I are ready to move in together. When I brought the idea up, my roommate said she'd rather kill herself than live alone. This isn't the first time she's made comments like that, and now I feel trapped. I feel like moving forward with my own life could put her at risk, even though I know her life is her responsibility.

I've talked to her parents multiple times, but they mostly say they hope she'll eventually snap out of it. I know we've all enabled her in different ways, but I genuinely don't know what else to do. I care about her and don't want to abandon her, but I also feel like I've put my own life on hold because I'm afraid of what might happen if I finally move on.

I feel responsible for someone who refuses to help herself, and I don't know where the line is between being a good friend and sacrificing my own future. I'm not sure where to go from here.

I have a new roommate who just moved into a 3-bed apartment with me (along with one other new roommate who neither of us knew beforehand, she’s chill and not involved)

For background: I live in Ontario, Canada. I’ve been in this apartment for a year, my old roommates both broke the lease early to move out and live with their new bfs (nothing to do with me, I’m a great and easygoing roommate and they both vouched this fact) but I wasn’t prepared to leave on such short notice so was forced to find new roommates very quickly. I was under pressure by both landlord and moving-out roommates, there wasn’t much interest in the apartment so I was a bit desperate by the end. FTR I met both new roommates and they both separately toured the place in-person before signing the lease.

For context: it’s a basement apartment and the only room that actually gets sunlight is the living room. My bedroom gets like -1000 sunlight. My plant collection isn’t insane, I have maybe 15 plants total: one medium monstera with 3 large leaves (pot is larger so is a bit heavy), two small-sized young monsteras with 4-5 small leaves, two medium-sized pothos (not trailing), a tiny heart-leaf philodendron, two tiny snake plants, a prayer plant with about 5 leaves, two baby potted cacti, and and a couple little propagations. Altogether they took up less than the top of a dresser in space.

The issue: my roommate is concerned about her cat so says I can’t keep them in the living room anymore. I’m a plant person, the apartment listing specifically said this, the apartment listing photos had my plants in them, and all my plants were present for the in-person tours. One of the roommates who toured has a cat and expressed that the cat may be interested in the plants if she moved in, but that if the plants were high up/on a bookshelf, the cat probably wouldn’t care (based on the cat’s past behaviour with her old roommates plants). I have never lived with a cat before so I took her word for it, agreed to storing them higher up/getting a bookshelf, and she seemed happy with that.

Anyway, she moved in, I got a bookshelf for all the plants (the largest plant, monstera w/heavier pot, was too large to store on the shelf so it’s on a set of drawers) but when she saw the new shelf she sent me 3 paragraph texts about how she’s worried her cat is going to get poisoned by the plants while she’s not home. She says now she’s worried he’s going to jump onto the bookshelf, even though she initially said the plants would be fine as long as they were off the ground/high up, which they now are. BTW I put the most toxic plants (pothos, philodendron) on the top of the bookshelf about 8 feet off the ground and I also got rid of my two lilies (very toxic to cats), but she’s sending me paragraphs about how she’s worried her cat will get poisoned by the plants because she works long shifts and can’t watch him. She is asking me to keep the toxic ones in my room, even though most houseplants are very mildly toxic to cats.

I don’t think this is fair because I was very upfront from the start about my plants needing to be in the living room, and she agreed they could stay there but now she’s asking me to keep them in my bedroom. I didn’t know this would be such an issue, I’ve never had a cat and I was honestly just desperate to fill the lease so I took her at her word that a bookshelf would solve the issue. She’s asking me to keep the plants in my room, but they won’t survive in there, it’s too dark. Also it’s my apartment too, and I care about these plants a lot, I’ve had most of them longer than she’s had her cat so I hoped she would understand that they’re meaningful to me.

She offered to split the cost of the bookshelf with me (~$70 from Ikea) which I was fine with and seemed reasonable. After I set that up and she wasn’t okay with it, she mentioned getting glass-sided greenhouse-type shelves so the cat can’t get at them, but those are ~$200 each at Ikea and I’d need two, and she already said she barely has enough money to split the bookshelf I already got.

TL;DR, my roommate said my plants were fine if they were on a bookshelf where her cat couldn’t reach, now she says that’s not good enough and her cat will still get poisoned by eating them and I have to remove them.

To add: since moving in she has COMPLETELY taken over the apartment with her personal belongings, knickknacks, boxes, etc to the point where the only things I have in the common areas are my plants. Like her stuff is blocking cupboards, overflowing closets, and just generally everywhere. I haven’t said anything about this because I can only handle one battle at a time, but this is just to show I don’t have a monopoly over what’s allowed/not allowed in common spaces, all I want is for my plants to survive in my own home. How do we meet halfway and solve this issue?

While I do feel I was mislead/lied to a bit, I think this roommate is really nice and kind and I have nothing against her as a person, this is just affecting my living situation. I know she just cares for her cat and I understand that, which is why I to find a mutual solution.

I’ve been struggling to figure out to handle this. We have 24 cabinets (5 are large drawers) in the kitchen (most of them very large) and my roommate has every single one stuffed full with her stuff. When I’ve tried to move stuff around so it’s easier to find things she gets very upset and asks me to do this with her but she never makes time or makes up an excuse when I’ve asked to work on it. She also never cleans or organizes on her own time. Before we moved in together we both said we would downsize so that we could both coexist and I was the only one that got kid or anything.

I just want space for my stuff. We have 6 pantry cabinets that are quite large and I never have room for groceries because every shelf is full of her stuff. I don’t have much stuff but would like to have the option for space and would like to split up everything 50/50.

Here is the problem: I divided up everything this afternoon just to see how it would work and I can see how she will get upset because her stuff will be very cluttered and crammed in together because she has so much, but it stress me out never being able to find any of my own belongings. I have one set of cutlery to her 5 sets. I have two pans and one pot compared to her 20+. She also isn’t really much of a cook and doesn’t use most of this stuff, but I know it’s her stuff and she has a right to it, but it seems a bit unfair? Maybe I’m overreacting.

Has anyone dealt with this and have any tips on how to handle it? She is the kind of roommate who will get very upset if I ask her if she can help with cleaning or wash her dishes and will throw it back in my face that “you did x thing so you can’t say anything to me about this.” It makes it very difficult to communicate because it always starts a fight.

I know we need to talk before I move things around but I’m so over it. I’m planning on moving out next summer and want to have all my stuff separate because she has taken and broken my things or let bowls of mine grow mold in them because she left them sitting in her room.

I will admit that I don’t really want to move everything back. But should I before talking to her about it again?

Hi! I just wanted to ask for advice for anyone that has moved. in with their significant other. I plan on moving in with my boyfriend at the end of this year. By the time I move in we will have been together 2 years and feel like this is the next step for us. We both are in our late 20’s and finically independent. I rent and live alone and he owns his house and we both have stable jobs. We’ve never lived with another partner before this. We’ve already had the conversation about splitting bills, what we want for the future, etc and seem to be on the same page. We will obviously have the conversation again closer to time to solidify everything. I just wanted to ask for any advice on anything else that we should cover or could potentially expect. We both have agreed we are ready for this step and have the same kind of lifestyle but I want to cover as many bases as I can before we move into this new phase life together (I’m type A and anxious lol)

I’m not trying to be a dick in the slightest, but I don’t think I’ll ever room with someone with a kid again. He’s 39, I’m 29.

For context, my roommate decided to tell me, the day before rent is due, that he was going to be late bc he had to send money so his son and ex wife so they weren’t stranded. They were going to Georgia from AL. That just made me weary and very uneasy because now I gotta worry about you potentially doing this in the future. Why couldn’t your ex wife ask other ppl for help? Other ppl in their family? Why it had to be you sending $650?

He tried to justify it by saying “I didn’t tell you last minute. I sent it and told you.” Telling me on June 30th, when rent due on the 1st of each month is pretty last minute to me. He knew when rent was due, he’d been aware , and you should always be budgeting for rent.

He’s also been overspending on multiple women and has asked me to borrow money right after paying rent twice so far and I’m just in the mindset of you can’t budget your money.

The money I had set aside for rent, now had to go to bills since he isn’t going to pay until July 8th. He said he’s going to pay ahead and make sure stuff like this don’t happen again. And I’m an actions speak louder than words kind of person. These situations stress me out bc my previous roommate put me behind and made me rack up late fees. So I’m justified with how I feel, bc what if the 8th comes around and he has to send his son more money? I told him I couldn’t take the risk and told him go pack up and leave, and he’s not budging.

Update: I don’t know where yall thinking I’m blaming the kid, when I’m not. I have just been around many parents that use their kids as shields, and have been a product of my mom using me as emotional manipulation pretty often growing up to absolve her of paying back people or putting me between her and my dad since they were divorced. I have every right to feel the way I feel. Not everyone that has kids are bad, just people are irresponsible and if I don’t want to rent to someone that has a kid, that is my choice.

Genuinely curious what other people's experiences are like - trying to figure out if it's just my house or this is universal lol.

What's your biggest roommate pain point?

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Hi, my boyfriend and I are struggling to find roommates because we have 3 cats and an axolotl, how or where would y’all find roommates? We’re in the suburbs in Colorado. I can give more details in dms. Our budget is about 1500 total.

It’s impossible to talk to him. Any suggestions?

Is it wrong if I’m getting seriously annoyed at this point for my roommate being difficult about being on time with payments. I let him move in with me to a house I own cause I was planning on renting it anyways and he needed it at the moment I only charge him 750 a month + utilities in Florida (not internet or trash service I just eat that cost) the past few months he has either been a day late with rent *I give it 7 days notice to pay his is due on the 14th and he has paid on the 22nd+ and utilities is due on the 1st which usually gets paid within a week thankfully. But this month he pays me just 700 and has been trying to say I should pay him 50 a month for lawn care which was in the contract I signed with him to do. So now it’s coming up for the next rent due and he is still short from A utilities B rent from last month. Is it wrong if I’m a bit pissed???

UPDATE: I’m reading every comment. Thank you all for your suggestions.

We’re living in her house of 40 years, and yes, I do think her cleaning anxiety and need for control are the reasons she doesn’t want any outside help.

I do most of the grocery and household shopping, online  as well as some of the meal prep and cooking. We share all household expenses evenly, including utilities, insurance, and property tax.

I also handle any government or insurance paperwork that comes along, as well as her personal online shopping and FB Marketplace listings. I’ve done these kinds of tasks for her and other friends for years, and they’re easy for me.

We’re actually very compatible. We already know we live well together because I stayed with her for the first few months after my bone marrow transplant in 2018. In that case, she was absolutely in the role of caregiver. Now, in my mind, we’re more taking care of each other.

She hasn’t complained at all. I’m the one who feels like I want to do more for her.

With all this feedback, I’m starting to see that maybe my contributions are valuable, too.

ORIGINAL POST: I’m a retired widow with health issues that limit how much physical activity I can do. I’ve had a housekeeper for years, and honestly, I’ve loved it. I live on a small disability pension, but having help with cleaning has always been a top priority for me.

I recently moved in with another widow to share expenses. She’s a lifelong friend in her 70s, and I’m in my 60s. I expected to keep using my housekeeper, but my new roommate really doesn’t like having strangers in her space.

The problem is, I don’t like the idea of her doing all the cleaning. I’ve tried to help where I can, but I don’t do things the “right” way — meaning her way — so I’m often asked not to do them. Apparently, I can’t even empty the trash correctly.

In other circumstances, I might enjoy being taken care of and pampered, but this is my friend, and I don’t want to feel like I’m using her.

So far, I’ve taken on the only role I could think of: managing our shared expenses. I created a spreadsheet, log everything, and we reconcile accounts at the end of the month.

Does anyone have suggestions for other ways I can “do my share” when physical chores are limited and my roommate is particular about how things are done?

My partner and I earn pretty differently, and lately splitting everything 50/50 has started to feel off — the person earning less feels a much bigger pinch on the same bill.

I've seen some people split proportionally to income instead (if you earn 60% of the combined total, you cover 60% of shared costs). It sounds fairer in theory, but I'm curious how it works in practice for people actually doing it.

For those of you living with a partner or roommate:

Do you split evenly, proportionally, or some other way?

How do you actually track it without it becoming a monthly argument?

Does anyone bother with apps for this, or is it just a shared note / spreadsheet?

Trying to figure out a system that feels fair long-term. Curious what's worked (or blown up) for you.

I honestly don't know if I'm overreacting anymore or if I somehow ended up living with the most unhinged roommate imaginable.

When she first moved in she seemed completely normal. Quiet, clean, paid rent on time. About a month in, little things started happening. Food would disappear, but only random bites. I'd open a new tub of ice cream and there would be one perfectly scooped spoonful missing. Half my strawberries would be gone. A single slice of pizza missing from the box. Every time I'd ask, she'd swear she hadn't touched anything.

Then it got weirder last week.

I came home early one day because I forgot my laptop charger. She didn't hear me come in. She was standing in my bedroom wearing my hoodie, talking to herself in my full length mirror like she was practicing a convrsation as me. She froze when she saw me and just said, "I wanted to see if it fit." Really???

I tried to brush it off because what do you even say to that? I was also rushing and frustrated.

Since then I've known she goes into my room whenever I'm out. I kept getting that weird feeling when you go into your house or room and feel like someone has been in there even if you don't see anything wierd.

Last night was the final straw.

I woke up at around 3am bcz I heard movement outside my room. I opened the door and she was crouched in the hallway holding a plush toy, whispering, "Don't tell her I'm borrowing you."

She laughed when she saw me standing there and acted like I was the weird one for making it a big deal because i was like WHAT YOU DOING?

Now she's being super friendly, making coffee for me every morning, asking if we can have movie nights, like none of this ever happened. It's almost creepier than if she'd just admitted she was being strange.

Our lease still has 9 months left, and breaking it would cost me a fortune. My sister think I'm exaggerating because every time she visits she's incredibly nice and acts completely normal.

What would you even do in this situation? Am I being paranoid, or is this as bizarre as it feels? Talking to her doesn't really work and she's older than me.

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Hey! To give a quick summary, I’ve been living with a man child and we are in our last two weeks until I’m out!!! Unfortunately we have a power bill that’s due on the 7th that my roommate is refusing to pay or address at this point. The power bill is in his name and he had it shut off twice in the past six months due to pushing off payments.
I’m concerned because we have four animals in the house and it’s only getting hotter as summer goes on.

Is there anything legally I can do? I don’t have anywhere right now I can take atleast my animals so regardless 2 dogs would be stuck in the heat.

I live in a four-person apartment where we each have a separate year-long lease with the landlord. We only pay internet and electric. Electric is in my name, so I usually just ask everyone for their share of bills.

Our lease ends soon and one of the roommates has stopped living at the apartment. She still has all her belongings packed up in her room, or scattered around the living room or kitchen. Her food is still taking up space in our cabinets, fridge, and freezer. But she hasn’t lived here in almost two months and she hasn’t paid utilities since she left. I understand maybe not paying wifi since she’s not here to use it, but we are required by our lease to have electric through the end of the lease, and the collective electric bill is maintaining the apartment where she left her stuff.

She hasn’t spoken to any of us since she left. Admittedly at the end of the semester (college apartment) I got short with everyone about dishes, because the roommates (mainly this roommate) had left their dirty dishes (and rotting food) in the sink for weeks to months. Specifically I said if the dishes weren’t washed within three days, I would just throw them out. They were washed and I didn’t bring it up again besides a quick thank you text. And if it matters, when she left and stopped responding about two months ago, she still left a dirty pan on the stove. I understand it’s not a big deal but it irks me. But also I still use her dishes even though she’s not here. (Only a few and I always wash them soon after.)

At this point I’m considering cutting my losses and just corresponding with the remaining roommates about the bills. I can cover her portion of electric, I’m just not sure I should have to. If she lived alone, she’d still have to pay utilities when not in the apartment. There’s a chance she does intend to cover utilities still and just forgot to respond, but if I follow up and she’s NOT intending on paying, I’m afraid about coming off as rude or entitled or something like that.

Between the facts that I still use her dishes, that I’ve been short with these roommates in the past, and that she’s not currently living here, does that equal out to me just covering her share of utilities for the three months of our lease?

update: I’m cutting my lease early. Hope he signs to agree. I’m sure he’ll destroy everything one last time since I’ll be paying for it. But I’m not risking my life for this.

I know we both have our own quirks when it comes to tidiness, but my roommate and i have been sharing this apartment for about six months and our original cleaning schedule has basically died.

I work long hours in the office, and by the time i get home, i just want to make dinner and sit down for a second. instead i open the door and see the same stuff every night. plates stacked in the sink with dried sauce on them, trash bag puffed up against the lid, random cups on the coffee table, and that weird smell that starts when the kitchen has been ignored for too long.

it sounds small, but it really messes with my anxiety. i can feel my mood drop before i even take my shoes off.

i have tried leaving notes on the fridge. one stayed there so long it basically became part of the fridge. i tried making a group chat for apartment reminders, but then i felt like i was sending work emails about garbage. every time i bring it up, she either gets defensive or says yes, totally, and then forgets by the next day.

i am exhausted from being the only person who notices when things need to be done. i do not want to be the household manager, but i also cannot live in a kitchen that feels like it is slowly becoming a fruit fly kingdom.

so now i am wondering if a neutral visual reminder would work better than texts. maybe a household message board or a small message screen in the kitchen that just shows simple reminders like trash day, dishes, counters, whatever.

has anyone tried using a shared household status display or visual chore reminder with roommates? did it actually make things less tense, or did it just become another thing everyone ignored?

It’s a town house in Jersey village and I will send more info to anyone that is interested. I am a man but get along with women better so yes I would prefer a female roommate txt me if serious 346-580-9152

hi guys! not sure if this is the right subreddit but just looking for some advice. i (19f) am moving in with 3 girls into a 4 bed, 2 1/2 bath apartment. ive been in a relationship with my bf for almost a year and a half, and we'll be about 2 1/2 hours away from each other. we talked about him coming to stay weekends, maybe just spending one night and then leaving the next day but im worried about my roommates being annoyed with me. ive met one of my roommates and she said she doesnt care, but we didnt talk in depth and i havent met the others. so is 1 night a week usually fine for a partner to stay the night??

My girlfriend wants us to move in with her friends and I’m unsure of it. The whole 2 years we’ve been together I feel like they haven’t really wanted to genuinely get to know me and only tolerate me because I handle all the bills/caring for my girlfriend. I don’t think they like me. It’ll be a big house and cheaper for me but I just don’t know. Also, their friendship is odd to me because I believe there’s underlying flirty feelings between my girlfriend and her friend’s partner. That’s another story LOL

Like I’m 100% certain if my girlfriend had a job they’d just ask her to move in with them and keep me where I’m at lol but my girlfriend wants to live with me. I don’t know. I asked if she had the opportunity would she live with them alone and she said no. Am I being too sensitive? Also they discussed the house stuff while I was at work and at first I said yes but I didn’t know my girlfriend would tell them right away so now they think we’re on board. I should’ve said no and took more time to think about it. Something is just weird! Maybe I’m overthinking but..

I just don’t play around when it comes to my housing. I want to feel safe, comfortable, and stable. I think my autonomy would be disrupted if I were to do this..any advice?