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VENT (i don't expect anyone to actually read ts but I'm putting it here)
uh so i label myself as a person who used to have selective mutism, although no one ever bothered to clinically diagnose me but whatever. I only went to a counsellor, so like no therapists, nor psychiatrists. And since its like an anxiety disorder my mind is basically just like everyones, and I'm fully aware of that patronizing way people speak to me, and well after awhile I was just like left alone and shit though I had always wanted to be able to "speak" just like other people. Be a normal person. In my opinion and experience its like you really want to speak when people prompt you to, but your words are just locked up in your throat and you almost just freeze. I remember how I had froze up when a teacher had like asked me something, and because again i have no diagnostic of selective mutism in my medical records the teacher had just seen me as difficult and well they werent very nice basically.
So you end up isolated and away from society put part of you wants to be with them. I think the lonliness that comes with it is quite depressing. But mentally (like as in cognitive) you're a normal person, while others perceive you as different from them. So i remember these school counsellors I was sent to and I hated them. I hated being treated like i was different, yk? I have honestly no idea if counselling actually helped me and i also don't know how I had come through it, I think I got lucky because a really patient friend started to like be a genuine friend which I think also helped me talk more especially to her. i have no memory im sry Its really hard to explain what had happened back then because its alot and hard to put in words.
Right now i still deal with that sometimes though after a few years i did get better at speaking and so people would actually (i think) consider me as like not a weird person? thought I still can't really actually fit in with uh "society" and seeing these friend groups taking photos as a whole class and shi really like breaks me because I'm genuinely tired of this. I still go to the same school, in a class with people who used to not know how my voice sounded like. And like each day nowadays I kind of wonder if people still see me in that way; that kid who couldn't speak. Like I remember there was a teacher who asked my friends "Why is she just not talking?" That hurt alot for some reason. Like I exist and I'm literally there and I can fucking hear you? it was a presentation btw so ugh idk. Yes its just me and my undiagnosed mental issues
It was only like a few days ago that I had finally asked my parents about this really depressing time of my past and they said they had suspected that I had selective mutism. So I was really fustrated, and honestly its abit infuriating because they should have told me or gotten me diagnosed? So i could know that theres a valid reason to my "difficulties in adapting to the enviroment" (after i changed schools btw) and they could've like told the school or smth.
And now since I'm like unable to actually go diagnose myself or go to a therapist and shi I tried to like research about why stuff is happening to me, and I think that yes selective mutism affected me before. There was a time where nihilistic (discovered that again recently) thoughts had like invaded me and caused me to be depressed, which was also left alone and ignored without going to therapists, but somehow I had gotten through it though I forgot how again, and then the time during those years i think has affected me which I would call it as social trauma, and now I sometimes still like freeze up or become unable to talk in some times but I think I'm getting better, though sometimes the way people talk to me or how they speak to others instead of directly addressing me makes me question if I really had changed fom the past and just gives bad feelings about me when i had selective mutism (though i dont think i have cptsd bc nothing is diagnosed and I'm mostly fine nowadays exepct for like isolation from most people but I still have friends yes)
so I had somehow made friends (I think my very first friend had led me to others), and I had picked up a hobby of playing the cello and piano and yes though I do feel nervous performing sometimes, I think starting out slowly and practicing as in performing more did help me overcome things like stage fright.
honestly gone so off topic idk what this post is even about mb
well thanks if anyone actually was so unemployed to read ts