u/Zehnpae

Village Rhapsody is a lewd farming sim developed by YooGame. Released in 2023, Village Rhapsody reminds us that gooning is worth going to prison over is you're a Chinese game developer.

We play as a student who has arrived to learn how to farm and 'revitalize' the town.

Gameplay involves managing a farm, grow heaps of crops, make tons of money, and then remember it's a lewd game and you should probably get around to...ahem....planting your seed at some point. Not before carefully decorating your garden of course.

The Good

I love builder games of pretty much any sort. Survival, farming sim, generic crafter, base building and so on. The fact that a lewd game even has a semblance of a functioning crafting system is already mind blowing. It's no Stardew Valley but does Stardew let you defile Haley and Emily while Penny watches? No, I didn't think so.

The poorly translated crass humor was my favorite part. When the description of corn is "Chew thoroughly or you'll shit it out whole" I knew I was in for a good time. Or when I picked up a decorative flower pot and the game told me, "This is fucking useless." Finally, an honest video game.

The Bad

I would have liked a little bit more effort put into the relationship system. As is you have two interactions with an NPC, get them 20 of a crop, then it's off to pound town. I wasn't expecting a deep romance plot, but even Mass Effect waits until the second act to let you get busy and then completely ignore them for the rest of the game.

The Questionable

Long time readers will know I'm on a bit of a side quest to find lewd games where the sex really enhanced the experience.

It does feel like one long cheesy porn plot so it at least remains internally consistent. Your first encounter will most likely be with someone stuck bent over in a chair, so I appreciate the trope. Like slaying rats as your first quest in an RPG.

Unfortunately it's very shallow, like collecting the relationship cards in the Witcher 1. There is a credits scene that talks about you falling in love with one of the women, starting a family, growing the farm, etc...and it's a shame that what could have been the best part is just a hand wave at the end.

Final Thoughts

It was okay. The crafting loop was functional but very simplistic. The concept has merit at least. If you ever played Stardew Valley and wished you didn't have to alt-tab to look at 20 second long rule 34 gifs of you, Leah and the sewer monster having a good time this might be for you.

Bonus Thought

I went back to look up some information and it looks like the game has been de-listed from Steam. This made me curious and it turns out I have a ton of de-listed games, though most got re-listed under a different publisher or got a remake of some kind. There's a few MMOs (RIP ArcheAge) and now I can add a porn game to the list. Yay?

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Shadowrun: Dragonfall is a tactical turn based RPG developed by Harebrained Schemes. Released in 2014, SR:DR reminds us that hardcore murder hobos may have had a traumatic childhood.

We play as a shadowrunner, an elite mercenary in a dystopian future just trying to pay the bills and occasionally save the world.

Gameplay involves forgetting a door code to a locked door, looking for it in your quest log, then forgetting it again almost immediately after closing the quest log. When not opening doors the rest of our time is spent murdering people.

The Good

It's not often you get a good story like this these days. The way it's told, the way it's revealed, the pacing, everything. The companion quests are even fun instead of just something you mash through in order to unlock bonus abilities like in every other RPG.

It's a book you can't put down. You also get just enough influence on the story to make things interesting without having to google "Should I kill or save the orphans?" to figure out which leads to the good ending.

Shadowrun is also easily my favorite setting. A cycle of magic and rebirth, corporations run by literal dragons, deckers jacking into the matrix and waging cyber warfare on each other, mages and shaman summoning spirits and throwing fireballs around, sword samurai focusing their chi for magic ninja bullshit. Gunfights everywhere. It's just...unf. I may need a minute here folks.

The Bad

It's one of those RPGs where about 15 minutes in you'll have unlocked everything you're going to use for the rest of the game. You can unlock your entire combat skill tree in the first chapter and the rest of your skill points you'll spend on social skills for passing dialog checks.

And the companions, while well written and interesting, are poorly built. So while you're a death dealing ball of hate, they have trouble hitting the broad side of a barn. They're from the X-com school of "An 80% chance to hit is a 50/50 at best."

Since you're fighting against the same 4 enemy templates the entire game who never get smarter either, it leads to very stale combat rather quickly.

The Questionable

There are little hidden interactions all over the place which behoove you to check every nook and cranny. In missions it can lead to alternate paths to enter/bypass areas. But I'm such a loot goblin that if given a chance to skip a fight I'd much rather just go in guns blazing anyways so I can kill everyone to get their gear.

To its credit Dragonfall does its best to try to dissuade this. Leveling is generally fixed so it's not like you miss out on xp, and the loot is almost always worthless. But if a game gives me 4 different ways to enter a building I can't help but check them all out even though I only need to do 1.

Years of developers hiding the best loot at the end of random alleyways has made it impossible for me to not completely fill out my mini-map.

Final Thoughts

It's an awesome short story with a 'just okay' game slapped on top of it. Fortunately it's not bad enough to make it difficult to play through. The setting alone is worth the price of admission. It's the 'cooler Daniel' to Cyberpunk. Just be ready to sigh deeply when your samurai misses a 97% chance to hit twice in a row.

Bonus Thought

I'd be probably less offended at living under the oppressive thumb of the billionaire class if they were dragons. Charismatic, master manipulators and eternal creatures vying for control over each others territory. Instead we got...what we got. Ugh.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Dying Light 2 is an ARPG survival horror game developed by Techland. Released in 2022, Dying Light 2 reminds us that communication is key to a healthy relationship.

We play as Aiden, wandering in search of our long lost sister after the zombie apocalypse ended the world as we knew it.

Gameplay involves whacking zombies over the head with a pipe and then wishing we could do the same to the 9th NPC in a row you've talked to who demands we risk our lives for them in exchange for a toothbrush.

The Good

One of the better features is unintended. When you get your hands on an upgraded grappling hook if you tap the use button instead of holding it down it'll launch you forward. This essentially turns you into Spiderman and the parkour mechanic goes from meh to 'wheeee!' Being able to climb buildings by whipping yourself up instead of looking for yellow paint to grab onto was way more fun.

The combat is serviceable, but whacking zombies over the head with a pipe gets old. Leaping into them and jump kicking them off of buildings? Now that's the stuff. As the story progresses you also get access to things like pit traps, spikes and car bombs which helped keep things interesting well into the late game. At one point I was hiding under a bridge and watched as zombie after zombie fell into the water trying to figure out how to get to me.

The Bad

I thought Remnant 2 had a bad story. Dying Light 2 somehow manages to be even worse. The protagonist is dense enough to cause tidal shifts. Not a single NPC you interact with is even remotely likable. They can't figure out if the antagonist is supposed to be a sympathetic character or not.

Every single NPC in the game takes advantage of your next level gullibility and it's frustrating to experience it over and over and over again. Every single NPC is "first I'll help you but..." in an unending inception chain of doing favors for them. Your psuedo-love interest is a gaslighting communist parade of red flags.

The most egregious part for me was when I ran around gathering books for this one lady for an hour, had deep and meaningful conversations with her, we go back to her place and hokey pokey, then I'm like, "Welp screw this healthy relationship with a woman who clearly communicates and is into me shit. Back to my abusive situationship!"

This is the only game where I gunned for the bad ending hoping to kill everyone and being disappointed because some people end up living.

The Questionable

The skill system felt like a bit of a whiff. There's maybe 3 powers worth getting and then it's a grind to fill out the rest of the tree so you can unlock legendary skills...which are just "+2 to your attack power!" so even those aren't exactly exciting.

I think the biggest issue is that the combat powers all required either street fighter key combinations, or do that overly convoluted for a net loss thing. You know what I'm talking about. "Jump over the enemy, hit this key, this will stagger them. Then hit another key to put them into stunned mode! Then you do bonus damage!"

Or I could just hit them once with my axe and they die...that's a neat trick.

Final Thoughts

You know how some media is so dreadful the fun comes from making fun of it? This is one of those experiences. It's best experienced in co-op so you can both equally lose your shit over the terrible dialog. Running around and slicing up zombies is okay and all but the real joy is hearing your co-op buddy yell, "FUCK FRANK! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FRANK!"

Bonus Thought

I enjoy that we all agree for the sake of zombie games to never ask why after like 30 days there are still zombies. Shaun of the Dead remains one of the most believable zombie movies because after a few weeks everything is pretty much back to normal. DL2 is set 20 years in the future and nobody thought to, I dunno, move to where the zombies aren't?

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Robin Hood: The Legend of Sherwood is a stealth based real time tactics game developed by Spellbound. Released in 2002, Robin Hood:TLS reminds us that robbing the rich, to pay off the rich, to save a different rich dude who might make the poor slightly less subjugated by the rich people you just robbed is a timeless classic.

We play as Robin Hood in the quest to avenge our lost loved ones, woo the heart of the Maid Marian and bring justice to the evil Prince John and his henchmen.

Gameplay involves methodically singling out one enemy at a time, luring them into an ambush, knocking them out, hogtying them and dumping them into a building. Repeat for about 40 hours. Then we win.

The Good

It's a beautiful game. The hand painted backgrounds really stand out and have aged well. As a castle-loving nerd there was a lot to enjoy and geek out about. Further, it was really easy to keep track of my units and all the enemies thanks to everything being so colorful. This is as opposed to, say, Commandos, where it's often brown and green on brown and green.

The combat mouse gestures were a nice touch. It's a risky system to implement because in the heat of the moment asking me to draw a figure 8 is a big ask but it's reasonably generous with interpretation. Unlike Arx Fatalis which had rather complex gestures, here you can go, "I dunno...I'll try spinning. That's a good trick." and you can bang out something loosely resembling a circle to send everyone around you flying.

The Bad

The actual unit controls are a bit touchy. Double click to run doesn't always work. Unit pathing is usually suicidal at best. There's no way to unsheath your weapon before getting into combat so there's a chance you can just end up standing there getting stunlocked to death.

Most of my reloads came from wanting to knock someone unconscious. I'd click knock out, click on the enemy. Robin would walk up to them, bump into them initiating combat, draw his sword and then stab them. Thanks Robin. Thanks.

The Questionable

This is another one of those stealth games that gives you 80 ways to kill people but doesn't want you to do it. Pretty much any ability that isn't knock out or hogtie is useless, rendering most of the characters in the game moot. The more you kill the less likely merry men are going to join you at your camp.

That is at least until the mid-game when your perfect run is ruined. A mandatory mission blames you for deaths that you weren't even there for. You figure you have enough merry men anyways. Time to make some orphans.

Once you embrace your inner murder hobo the back half of the game becomes much more tolerable. I was getting kinda bored of the gameplay loop anyways and being able to beat missions in 5 minutes instead of 2 hours really helped me get to the goal line.

Final Thoughts

There's an enjoyment curve to this one. It starts out neat, gets stale, then you abandon the idea of a stealth run and it gets fun again. Now there's a life lesson. Bored? Murder! The best part of stealth games is often the one or two missions where they let you go ham on the killing (Hai2u Splinter Cell) so it makes sense.

Bonus Thought

There's a compatibility patch you can download off modDB which adds fullscreen borderless support, removes the intro movies and fixes a few graphical issues. I am so thankful that there exist nerds who will fix and add quality of life features to 20+ year old video games. We truly are blessed.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

I'm already seeing a ton of confusion on this spell so I figured some clarification would help, at least from a "rules-lawyer lite as I understand it" position. As always I can be (and probably am) getting something wrong so feel free to correct me!

Undertow is a fun new spell in an upcoming book being released by Paizo. You can find the stat block for Undertow in this lovely meme or near the end of Mathfinders review of the new High Seas book.

So let's clarify a few things first:

• It's a 20 foot burst so it doesn't go through the ground. It still follows all the rules of a burst spell, so walls and total cover still block its expansion. This isn't a pit spell folks, sorry.

• The first line of text can safely be assumed to be incomplete flavor text. It's technically 20 feet deep from the surface to the middle. Basically it's a sphere, not a well.

• The critical save DC despite saying you are unaffected, doesn't mean you don't follow underwater rules. You just don't take damage/don't suffer penalties to checks. The swim checks are still set to your spell DC.

• The water doesn't doesn't flow or drop. So no thinking you can use it to drop 75 tons of water on someone. It vanishes after casting so no need to presti people to dry them off after.

• The critical failure effect doesn't imply you float to the top (Sorry Mathfinder). You can cast this on flying creatures or in the water forcing creatures further underwater. Forced movement rules still apply of course.

• Yes you can walk out of it if you're on land when it hits you. It's greater difficult terrain causing you at least 15 feet of movement per square.

• It is not sustained, nor dismissable. Once you cast it, it sticks around for the full minute unless dispelled.

Use Case:

This is all basically stuff you could do with Pillar of Water, just slightly better due to a larger radius and being only 2 actions. There's some bonus damage against mooks but that's not really why you'd be using it.

If you can catch 2 or 3 creatures in it (which again is easier to do due it being wider) that's at least 3 enemy actions lost for 2 actions of your own. Creatures with 25 feet of movement are common and if you center this on their square corner there's a good chance they have to spend their entire turn moving.

Remember that something like...70% of Paizo APs much of the combat is going to be in small areas. They love their 5x5 rooms and this let's you fill the entire thing while creating a kill chamber on the other side of the door. Not many creatures have the +7 con it would require to outlast it.

This can be especially devastating against flying creatures. Hate Will'o'Wisps? Watch as they struggle to get out of this with their 0 land speed, 0 con and 0 athletics bonus. Cast this on them then walk away and enjoy the show. Watch as your GM sweats trying to roll 2 nat 20's in 5 rounds.

Of course be careful about abusing suffocation. Remember the golden rule of Pathfinder, "Do unto the GMs creatures as you would have the GM do unto you."

Where Pillar of Water is better:

One of the niche uses of Pillar of Water is using it as a means of safe/easy traversal. It's like AoE Spider Climb or Jump allowing you to escort NPCs to safety in difficult areas. Don't try doing the same with Undertow unless you're in an evil campaign. "Go on in, the water's nice..."

Prince of Persia: The Lost Crown is an action-adventure platformer/Metroidvania developed by Ubisoft. Released in 2024, PoP reminds us that we're really lucky that drywall repair kits are thankfully cheap and controller shaped.

We play as Sargon on a quest to help Persia avoid its grim fate at the hands of assailants, both domestic and foreign.

Gameplay involves swearing that you made that jump, swearing that you hit the parry button, swearing that you hit the rewind button, swearing that you hit the dodge button. Just a lot of swearing really.

The Good

The movement and platforming is absolutely top notch and the powers you gain keep making it all the more fun. They each feel unique and don't have that "Green key for the green door" thing going on. They also provide hilarious versatility in combat. The first time I picked up an enemy and then yeeted it over a chasm to its death I cackled. Straight up villain cackled.

The boss fights really stand out. Each one challenges you to really consider how to use your powers to your advantage. Learning the battles feels rewarding as you go from, "This move is bullshit and I don't know how to deal with it" to "Just try that golden bullshit you motherfucker." Realizing that the fight wasn't unfair, I was just an idiot, felt good.

The Bad

The story is a mix of bad tropes and plot holes. I'm getting sick of the "I believe you, but I'm still gonna fight you because honor or something." trope especially. I swear video game protagonists must all end up domestic abusers. They are conditioned to believe the only way to prove they're telling the truth is to beat someone up. "Honey did you eat the sandwich I was saving?" NO! POW!

The dropped plot lines also mean that Ubisoft did that thing again where they cut content. The most egregious is the end cutscene references a whole ass boss fight that they cut to try to sell me later in a half-assed DLC. I don't think so buddy.

The Questionable

This is one of those games where the difficulty curve absolutely plunges as you progress. There are talismans that give you bonus powers and you can select a few to equip. Since they have to design the game so even the people who failed out of pre-algebra can win. After the second boss the game world opens up and if you have a lick of sense it's easy to put together a pretty OP build.

It was still fun and sometimes it's okay to enjoy a power fantasy where you become a living death machine. The mechanics of the fights were still fun to work around. The sense of progression felt rewarding for putting in the extra effort to find all the powerups.

It just creates a bit of a logical disconnect when the boss during the opening tutorial mission kills you 15 times and I don't think I even lost a quarter of my health against the last boss.

Final Thoughts

The story leaves a lot to be desired but I'm okay with just coming up with my own explanation for events (brain worms probably). The movement tech, platforming and bosses are tons of fun and worth the price of admission. It also does that thing I like where it ends just as I'm about to get sick of it, so I greatly appreciate that too.

Bonus Thought

I was wondering why the game didn't sell very well given I found it pretty fun so I googled it. Half the comments are simply because it's an Ubisoft game and that tracks. The other half blame it on the protagonist not being white enough and having a goofy haircut. Apparently the game should have featured a French prince of Persia with maybe a Beiber haircut.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Overlord is an ARPG developed by Triumph Studios. Released in 2007, Overlord reminds us that moral choice systems are more fun when it's evil vs. comically evil.

We play as the Overlord on quest to remind everyone who's in charge and why they should bow before us.

Gameplay involves starting with mouse and keyboard, then realizing that's a bad idea. We then sigh as we got half our minions drowned or burned alive and now have to go farm beetles for their souls again for half an hour.

The Good

Rhianna Pratchet took a lot of flack for her later work on Tomb Raider and Thief 4, but she did great with Overlord. The dark humor lands well, the choice between being a Lawful Evil Warlord or Chaotic Evil Bastard is fun. The whimsical turn on folklore/fantasy tropes made it a fun story to play through.

Once you get the hang of it the minions are fun to play with. Watching my browns chase after sheep and rodeoing them to death was great. I especially loved watching my greens leap into the air, murdering my foes and then gleefully returning to me with stolen treasure screaming with elation, "Treasure for YOU Overlord!"

The Bad

Unfortunately other than sending your minions in the game is mostly a walk forward simulator with bouts of afk. You order attack...then sit there. You send them to push a lever or move an object...then sit there.

You have magic but it's rarely worth using. You can melee, but you hit like a wiffle bat. Near the end of the game you can grind for a better sword, but it's one of those "I could beat then game in 40 minutes, or spend 5 hours grinding to beat it in 35..." kinda deals.

The Questionable

I kinda miss this early XBox 360 era feel. Kamero, Fable, OverLord. We had just left the early Gothic phase of 3D rpgs and discovered that faces could be round again. There's a sort of fairytale whimsy to it that's hard to capture.

There are some drawbacks though. Gravity and weight feel weird. You don't walk so much as look like you're floating over the ground while your legs animate. Animations feel slow at time, like you're moving through water and hit boxes are a suggestion at best.

I think it was around this time that 'tight' started to be a word used to describe games since bounding boxes were getting to be a little ridiculous. Overlord is technically an ARPG but not knowing if an attack will hit you or not because you have no idea what the attack radius of an enemy animation is makes things a bit rough at times.

Final Thoughts

I enjoyed it, but I think if the game had gone on any longer I wouldn't have. You can only subvert so many fantasy tropes before it gets predictable, and the gameplay had nowhere left to evolve to. It's basically a point and click adventure game where you move to a screen, click on the enemy, click on a lever, then move to the next screen.

Bonus Thought

I do appreciate that along with the choice between evil and eviler, you also get to pick between baddie and baddier for mistress. Not every day you get to choose between a woman that will sit by your side and help you plan your conquest of humanity or the one that will help plan all your blood orgies. Take that Team Yenn vs. Team Triss.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Satisfactory is a 3D factory building sim developed by Coffee Stain Studios. Released in 2024, Satisfactory allows us to enjoy our time away from working for a living to do math.

We play as a pioneer in the FICSIT corporation on a mission to exploit the natural resources of an alien world to save the human race as well as puppies and kittens.

Gameplay involves laying out production lines then making the mistake of looking online for help when you can't figure out why your water pump isn't working. You'll find that engineers and artists play this and you will never create something as efficient, or as cool looking, as them. Someone will then link you an 18 page technical PDF on how flow tubes work.

The Good

I love when builder games allow me to defy physics. If I want to place part of a building inside another, or have platforms float in the air...just let me bro. The building in general is just easy and spectacular and only occasionally gripes about placement. Snapping to world grid should be a requirement in every game. That you can bury 85% of a building in a wall just because you like the aesthetic of it is a cherry on the top.

It's also more gorgeous than it has any right to be. It's a delight to explore. It's a game about slapping production lines down and there are beautiful beaches, amazing mountains, stunning alien landscapes. All there for me to turn into my late stage capitalist nightmare. I'm smitten.

The Bad

FromSoft has nothing on this team when it comes to obnoxious enemies. The devs took four of the worst tropes in combat and turned them into themed enemies. You got your damage sponge enemy, your input reading enemy, your minion spam enemy. And of course...jumping spiders.

Poisonous cricket spiders and radiation armadillos might just be my new most "fuck this game" enemies of all time. To add insult to injury by the time you get weapons that effectively deal with them you're no longer in the explore/exploit stage of the game so it no longer matters.

The Questionable

There is a bit of an issue late game where it's less about new mechanics to wrap your mind around and just more things to get. When liquid and waste management started that was neat. Then trains became a thing and I straight up glee-giggled. I couldn't wait to see what was next.

But then I unlocked the next stage and it was like, "No new mechanic really just here's two more elements you can mine." Oh...okay. Thanks I guess? It wasn't bad, it just...wasn't exciting anymore.

It's basically the builder version of HP bloat. I still enjoyed tearing down and rebuilding my base to accommodate it, but in a generic 'this game is fun' way and not a 'I like this new stuff I get to do now' way, if that makes sense.

Final Thoughts

I had a lot of fun with this one, more than I thought I would at first. The building is very intuitive. The combat feels tacked on and not very rewarding but it's a minor part of gameplay so not a terribly big deal. I enjoyed my time and it's one I'd be willing to play again if one of my co-op friends wanted to play it.

Bonus Thought

Choo Choo Motherfucker.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Nunholy is a roguelite ARPG developed by Chowbie. Released in 2025, Nunholy does what Hades was too scared to do and has scantily clad women offering you powers and...er, wait...

We play as a half-vampire/half-nun on a quest to slay the vampire queen for...reasons.

Gameplay involves playing sim-closet space with your power ups to try to fit more overpowered boomerang knives into your limited inventory. Between dungeon runs we trade silver coins to the resident dominatrix nun in exchange for lessons on how to be a better vampire hunter.

The Good

It's better than it has any right to be for how cheap it is. The music is good and very reminiscent of Mick Gordon's Doom tracks. I was not expecting that at all. The combat is fun. There's a wide variety of boss fights. The game is over long before you start to get bored of the otherwise simple loop. It's great.

One thing I liked is I never felt pressured to go into a specific build. Most every option or ability is generally well balanced. The lack of any sort of hardcore end game scaling meant that there's no need to worry about hyper-optimization. I could just enjoy my soft-core anime waifu game as God intended.

The Bad

It's unfinished and abandoned at this point. You can earn S-rank Vampire Hunter and the game flat out says, "Yeah this doesn't do anything yet." There's a game mode select screen with only one option. The 'story' of the game amounts to about 8 lines of text and it just sort of ends.

It's a shame because I love the concept. I mean who doesn't want to play as a badass vampire slaying nun? Maybe I can pitch this to Netflix and get two good seasons before they pull the plug just as we're establishing a fan base.

The Questionable

I've been on a quest to find out if sex adds anything of real value to games and this was a bit of a dud. I've seen more hardcore images on the cover of National Geographic. I'm honestly not sure why this one was even flagged as NSFW on the store page.

Further, what little sauciness there is doesn't add at to it at all, even as a reward structure. I expected to unlock new outfits or skimpier art as I grew affinity with characters but the dev didn't even have the decency to offer some light weight Yuri for all the trouble I went through.

Final Thoughts

It's a stripped down Hades knock off. There's nothing really salacious about it. You'll probably still want to mark this one as private so your friends don't know you buy sex games on Steam, but if you do get caught you can at least claim you got it for the gameplay.

Bonus Thought

If there's one thing you can count on gooner games for, it's the easy 100% achievements. I've completed something like 400 games on Steam and the only ones I've 100%'d are Brotato, Stardew Valley and the 6 gooner games I've completed so far on my quest. It's apparently an accomplishment just to finish these, no need to muck it up by requiring two hands to play.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Miasma Chronicles is a turn based tactical RPG developed by The Bearded Ladies. Released in 2023, Miasma Chronicles reminds us that one of the first things to go in a post-apocalyptic wasteland are the sanitation experts.

We play as Elvis...yeah....on a quest to find our legendary mother with the help of our magic glove to save the planet from capitalism.

Gameplay involves trying to figure out which method of exploiting questionable game mechanics in combat is considered intended. Between fights we listen to the locals talking shit about us behind our back making us wonder if we really want to save them after all.

The Good

I really enjoyed being able to stealth around battlefields before combat taking out targets. It's pretty tightly balanced so even when you start to figure out how to abuse the critical hit system to deal wonky damage, you still have to carefully pick your targets. Every stealth pick off before a fight was valuable. It just feels...cool. It spoke deeply to the old school ganker in me.

The world building was top notch. I love 100+ years later post-apoc games where you get to slowly learn what happened to your precursors. What I really appreciate is there was no lore dump, no, "This is what happened" cut scene. You learn a lot, but there's still a lot left to the imagination. You're not on a quest to find out your worlds history, you want to find your mom.

The Bad

Elvis is not a very likeable protagonist. I had one hell of a time bonding to the character or caring about what happened to him.

He never really learns or grows, just stays an obnoxious teen from start to finish. It'd be like playing a Star Wars game where you're stuck playing as early Episode IV Luke and all you do is piss and moan about how much you want to go to Toshi Station. You never get to be cool emo Luke who Alabama'd his sister.

The Questionable

The skill cooldown and health mechanics can lead to some fuckery. Cooldowns don't reset after combat and you can't use your health regen spells between fights either. The intention is you play fights carefully and consider whether you want to use an ability now or save it for the next fight.

The reality is you can easily get enemies stuck in pathing loops so you wait until you have one left, get them stuck, then spam end turn while you reset your cooldowns and heal up.

The game is still plenty challenging and the mechanic feels really awkward to begin with so I felt no shame in abusing this. Every so often you find these weird mechanics that probably one dude on the team insisted was a good idea even though they're obviously utter ass. I find great joy in non-compliance. Viva la resistance.

Final Thoughts

I enjoyed it. It was relatively short, which was okay because Tactical RPGs tend to get old quick if they don't have a really good base building side game. The main character is a brat but it doesn't impact gameplay or the greater story arc so it's a minor nuisance. It's no X-com, but it certainly scratched that itch quite well.

Bonus Thought

I like when stealth games have a dedicated item for distracting enemies. I'm surrounded by hundreds of rocks I could toss to make noise, but nope...can only use glass bottles and only specific ones that cost almost as much as a grenade when bought from a vendor.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Crusader Kings 3 is a grand strategy RPG developed by Paradox Development Studio. Released in 2020, CK3 reminds us that murdering your wife is less messy than divorce.

We play as a ruler, vassal or vagabond on a quest to survive, rule the world or maybe even eat the pope.

Gameplay involves spending about half your time trying to figure out what you're even supposed to do, failing to attack your neighbor, then throwing a bunch of parties every time you get depressed.

The Good

I've never been good at "Set your own goals!" games. I have a Minecraft world I've been working on for 13 years now and I've only got two rooms in my castle done. CK3 makes it a easier by giving you a metric fuckton of achievements associated with goals like "unify Ireland" or "Have a lot of babies." That's gameplay I can get behind.

One of the nice things about painting the map not being the goal is it eliminates that late stage 4x problem where you've already won and nobody can challenge you, but to actually get the victory screen you have to slog through 100 more turns. I unified Russia, started my own religion and have 10 wives. I can just be done now or see if I can't get someone mad enough to assassinate me.

The Bad

The random events seem fun at first, until you start hitting the same ones over and over again. The game is semi-realtime so it's easy to look away for a second, then look back and you have 30+ notifications demanding your attention, only one of which actually matters.

I get it, my child likes to sleep around and now has the harlot trait. I don't care. Yes I know I could go on a hunt, but then that's 80 goddamn more notifications I gotta click on. My cousins husband is upset with him? Why would I care?

Just let me plot my wife's murder in peace. For fucks sake.

The Questionable

I feel like grand strategy/4x games really need to unify and figure out a way to on board people into their games. Nearly every other genre figured out how tutorials work ages ago, but CK3 makes you feel like you just got handed a copy of Excel and Visual Studio and now you're supposed to make some macros.

I clicked on "Tutorial mission" because I haven't played a 4x game in awhile and the game happily said, "Here's your king, this is Ireland, unify it. No I won't tell you what any of these 60 buttons do. Good luck." I kept having prisoners die then finally figured out if you go to the courtiers menu (because obviously that's where it would be) you can look at your prison.

Meanwhile in my action-platformer the tutorial starts with, "Hold right to move right you fucking dunce." You can rest assured you'll soon be told which button jump is. I'd love a 4x game that has a tutorial that doesn't assume you took the secret accounting courses in college where they teach you how to play these games.

Final Thoughts

I did enjoy having a ton of micro-goals to achieve and work on. Unfortunately they often required learning a new part of the game which involved watching an hour long YouTube tutorial. After about a week the events got kinda stale and I didn't feel like spending DLC money on being told all the different ways I'd failed my children as a parent, so that's when I called it quits. I felt I got my moneys worth.

Bonus Thought

It being a Paradox game there's more DLC than you can shake a stick at. Fortunately it's a Paradox game so none of the DLC is worth getting.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Salutations!

I have two cedar trees that merged into one growing in my back yard. Storm hit my town yesterday pretty bad and apparently the place where the trees split was rotten on the inside.

There was no obvious signs on the outside of rot, least of all to non-arborist like myself. My neighbor has also never mentioned the tree before.

Unfortunately when one of the halves of the tree fell. It broke part of my fence and totaled his vehicle. He only has liability on it. I'd like to do right by him since he's always been a good neighbor and see if I can't get my insurance to pay for it, but we also don't want to do anything shady.

I called my local insurance agent this morning and before I even finished speaking or saying anything about the rot, he said, "Act of god, not covered." I imagine they were fielding a lot of calls on account of the storm.

My questions:

• Am I screwing myself long term by even trying to get my insurance to cover it?
• If there was no reasonable suspicion of rot and as nobody has ever mentioned it to me before, is there even any chance of getting insurance to cover it anyways?

Thanks in advance!

Loop Hero is a rogue-lite deck builder developed by Four Quarters. Released in 2021, Loop Hero is what happens when someone likes the joke about the kid having his foot nailed to the floor so much they made a game out of it.

We play as an unnamed hero on a quest to stop the universe from coming to an end.

Gameplay involves googling 'bingeworthy Netflix shows' so that you have something to do while your hero joyfully walks in an endless circle of murder collecting sticks, food and metal from the fallen.

The Good

It reminded me a bit of Hand of Fate 2 where you build the world around yourself. I did enjoy the early game of figuring things out. One thing that took me awhile to figure out is just how quickly enemies scale. I felt like the game should have played the Sonic drowning music if you go beyond 10 loops to warn you about just how fucked you're about to be.

I love that the progression unlocks don't screw you like they often do in most rogue-lites. Anything you unlock you can immediately turn off or disable so you don't find yourself dealing with bloated options. You don't end up with garbage in the loot pool (COUGH BROTATO COUGH) just because you dared to play a lot.

The Bad

The entire strategy is in choosing what tiles to bring into a run with you. Once you figure out which tiles work best that's really all there is to it. In actual play there isn't all that much going on. The order tiles come in is RNG but where you are going to put them is pretty much the same every time.

It's one of those gameplay experiences where I was never sure if I was enjoying myself. There isn't enough going on to be interesting. I had more fun being a line cook at Applebees because at least occasionally the waitress would screw up an order and I'd get a free steak out of the deal.

The Questionable

While it doesn't bill itself as an idle game, it has a lot in common with the genre. Unfortunately it requires just enough fiddling that you can't just let it rip, so instead it's a sort of "You can play this, but you have to have something else that takes up most of your time going on as well."

The meta grind is painful given how simple each run is and that you're capped on how many resources you can win each run. If you actually want to beat the game you have to do enough grinding to do a complete rewatch of the Sopranos. So I say, leave the fuckin' cheese there.

Final Thoughts

It's a neat concept and I had fun for the first few hours. If you can get it cheap it's worth it for that much at least. If you're a completionist though it's a hard sell because the back 80% once you hit the grind is really boring and it requires just enough attention that you can't just enjoy it as an idler game either.

Bonus Thought

The Russian developers have criticized the war against Ukraine and thankfully as of yet have not fallen out of a window. They've been unable to make money off the game and they've said that folks who can't buy the game because of sanctions should seek 'alternate means of acquisition.'

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Infinite Adventures is a turn based dungeon crawler/blobber developed by Stormseeker Games. Released in 2018, Infinite Adventures reminds us that all you need to do to make an RPG is have a good imagination, be willing to copy Etrian Odyssey's homework and at least 25 friends willing to do voice acting for you.

We play as the 'Traveler', recently awoken a coma and informed that some old guy had a dream about us so it's up to us to save the world.

Gameplay involves spending 20 hours in the party creation screen agonizing over your character builds, then resetting two or three more times until you're satisfied with the party you've made. Then at level 20 you finally understand the game and start all over again with a meta party of 6 Geo Templars.

The Good

For such a low budget production there's a lot to love here. The character art is simple but charming. The voice acting sounds like it was recorded in several different bathrooms but they give it their all. The story is like a mix of JRPG cliche and Game of Thrones. There are AAA RPGs that could learn a thing or two from this.

I really enjoyed the depth of customization for each character. They even toss in a few things that have no real bearing on gameplay but make for fun background roleplay like country of origin or titles they get as they rank up. I love small things like that where the developer is clearly a nerd making games for nerds. One of us. One of us.

The Bad

There's a couple small issues.

For one there's this pause in the victory screen where you just have to sit there for a few seconds and ponder your decisions in life. Over the course of my 40ish hour playthrough at least 4 hours spent were waiting for that.

It also does that thing where dead characters don't get XP, and the game likes to kill you right before a fight ends quite often. Not a terribly big deal but my gamer OCD hates uneven exp bars so there were quite a few "Ugh" resets that are entirely my fault but I'm going to complain about it because I hate that mechanic.

The Questionable

This is one of those games where the difficulty slider is mostly just a "Do you want monsters to be able to one shot you?" switch. They don't get smarter or use different abilities. Technically it's harder, but in the Damocles style of difficulty where it's entirely RNG based. And you thought you were going to avoid ancient Greek moral anecdotes today didn't you?

On the other hand, even on the highest difficulty your damage ramps up so quickly that if you go first the enemies last barely long enough for you to appreciate the snake lady waifu art. It's a game of rocket tag. Reminds me of my Pathfinder campaign where I spend 10 hours 3D printing and painting my miniatures only for the gunslinger to critically hit it on the first round of combat and back into the box it goes.

Final Thoughts

It's not the best blobber I've ever played, but it's also not the worst. It sits solidly in the middle and I really enjoyed it as the obvious labor of love that it is. If you grew up on games like Wizardry or more recently Etrian Odyssey this one is going to be right up your alley.

Bonus Thought

There is a post game but it's a bit obnoxious to get to. When you finish the game there's an unskippable credits screen and then the pause menu pops up with a big 'resume game' button highlighted. You'd think that's it, but if you click that, it sends you back to the main menu and your only option is to continue from your pre-end boss fight save. You have to -save- your game after the credits screen, then you can load that save to access the post game.

This is now the only place on the internet this knowledge is listed so you're welcome future googlers.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Greedfall is an action RPG developed by Spiders. Released in 2019, Greedfall reminds us that the solution to exploitive colonialism is apologizing, then killing everyone.

We play as De Sardet, legate of the constitution on a diplomatic mission, which you will remind people of constantly.

Gameplay involves walking back and forth between quest markers for about 40 hours. Every so often you have to remember what your attack keybind is then you can go back to fast traveling between quest markers.

The Good

I loved the voice acting. Steven Hartley voices one of your companions and his voice is absolute butter, a romance novel brought to life. Liam Garrigan is also on the cast and I've been in love with him since he voiced the Duke of Dogs in Thronebreaker, the Gwent spinoff game for the Witcher. They're both distinct and wonderful and really nailed it.

You also don't get many colonial RPGs either. There's Pillars of Eternity 2, this and a few that are colonial adjacent but not exactly on the nose. It's a fairly unique setting and one of my favorite. I love the feeling of ancient magic not standing a chance against a dude with a gun. In a fight between Gandalf and Indiana Jones I know who my horse is.

The Bad

Just about everything else is profoundly meh. The writing is atrocious, saved only by the amazing VAs. What little combat exists is uninteresting, tedious at best. Looting enemies/chests is a chore saved only by the fact that there's nothing worth actually looting after the first 20 minutes.

It's also a game stuck on repeat. There's exactly 3 building/cave interiors which are re-used constantly. You will spend 80% of your game fast traveling between the same 4 quest locations. If I hear, 'OH IT'S YOU ON OL MENAWI!' one more goddamn time...

The Questionable

This is another one of those "We designed a system you'll never use" games. They make a big deal in the tutorial about wearing the armor of your enemies to sneak through areas but to my recollection there are maybe two quests where it's worth doing. I hauled around armor for each faction the entire game for...Naut.

Which made me realize I never really cared for games that force you to gear swap anyways. Inventory management is typically one of my least favorite aspects and adding a "Try to remember which 8 pieces of gear you're not supposed to sell" on top of it is usually pretty obnoxious.

Plus the game points out that you have unique facial markings that everyone is aware of, but apparently tossing on a new hoodie makes you unrecognizable. Clark Kent eat your heart out.

Final Thoughts

If your favorite part of Dragon Age: Inquisition was running around turning in quests in the Hinterlands, then Greedfall is right up your alley. I loved the setting and the world building they did though. It was enough to carry me through the end.

Bonus Thought

I love games where the conversation exit dialog is always the same regardless of the conversation you just had. Nothing like telling someone they're an asshole and you hope they die. Then you exit the dialog like you just had some tea, cheerfully quipping, "I must take my leave your grace" and they in kind, "It was my pleasure talking with you."

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Fate/Extella is a Musou style action game developed by Marvelous. Released in 2017, Fate reminds us that skipping right to the third game in a series is probably going to leave you confused, especially when the first two games were visual novels.

We play as the "Master" who has lost their memory and must find out who they are in time to save the universe.

Gameplay involves mashing attack during combat, pausing for a moment during peak anime romance cutscenes, then going back to mashing attack during combat.

The Good

The origin of the series is a Visual Novel so it leans heavily into that. The story is mostly railroaded but you can make some choices that lead to more romantic or more antagonist results. Overall I enjoyed the plot, though it still leans heavily into JRPG tropes (spoiler: the power of friendship wins the day).

The voice acting and music are well done, getting the emotional vibe across well. I know just enough Japanese to know when I'm being insulted so I was able to follow along. The squeaky voices are kept to a reasonable minimum which I greatly appreciated.

The Bad

It's pretty obvious where their strength lies. Your Yuri Polycule storyline was fun to play out but the combat gameplay is sorely lacking. There's little to differentiate the attack patterns of each character and there's a grand total of 6 maps they regurgitate endlessly. What typically makes Musou games fun are the grandiose battlefields, the wide variety of characters and attacks. There's none of that here.

The Questionable

I normally don't harp on games for their art style but there's a subset of JRPGs that just kinda...gave up on advancing visually. Even pixel games have been pushing the bar in looking for new ways to use what they have available to make beautiful games.

But there's the "Dragon Quest 8 was the peak" division of where they all look like they could have been released along side Rogue Galaxy.

I get that budgets are a thing and you're supposed to use your imagination. It's just hard these days to take a game seriously when it's telling me that a character is a goddess of beauty from beyond the stars when she looks like she was constructed out of old Happy Meal containers.

Final Thoughts

If you ever played Dynasty Warriors and thought, "I really wish Wei Yan had butt cleavage and would comment on his burning passion for me," then this is the game for you. Otherwise it's not really a deep enough Musou game for Musou fans. I was invested enough in the story to finish but as soon as I saw the 147 more story cutscene alternatives I could unlock by replaying the game 30 more times I noped out.

Bonus Thought

I wonder if Emporer Nero would be flattered that 2000 years in the future someone would name an anime waifu after him. I feel like the guy who declared himself the bride of Pythagoras would have been all about that.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming