u/Zehnpae

Crusader Kings 3 is a grand strategy RPG developed by Paradox Development Studio. Released in 2020, CK3 reminds us that murdering your wife is less messy than divorce.

We play as a ruler, vassal or vagabond on a quest to survive, rule the world or maybe even eat the pope.

Gameplay involves spending about half your time trying to figure out what you're even supposed to do, failing to attack your neighbor, then throwing a bunch of parties every time you get depressed.

The Good

I've never been good at "Set your own goals!" games. I have a Minecraft world I've been working on for 13 years now and I've only got two rooms in my castle done. CK3 makes it a easier by giving you a metric fuckton of achievements associated with goals like "unify Ireland" or "Have a lot of babies." That's gameplay I can get behind.

One of the nice things about painting the map not being the goal is it eliminates that late stage 4x problem where you've already won and nobody can challenge you, but to actually get the victory screen you have to slog through 100 more turns. I unified Russia, started my own religion and have 10 wives. I can just be done now or see if I can't get someone mad enough to assassinate me.

The Bad

The random events seem fun at first, until you start hitting the same ones over and over again. The game is semi-realtime so it's easy to look away for a second, then look back and you have 30+ notifications demanding your attention, only one of which actually matters.

I get it, my child likes to sleep around and now has the harlot trait. I don't care. Yes I know I could go on a hunt, but then that's 80 goddamn more notifications I gotta click on. My cousins husband is upset with him? Why would I care?

Just let me plot my wife's murder in peace. For fucks sake.

The Questionable

I feel like grand strategy/4x games really need to unify and figure out a way to on board people into their games. Nearly every other genre figured out how tutorials work ages ago, but CK3 makes you feel like you just got handed a copy of Excel and Visual Studio and now you're supposed to make some macros.

I clicked on "Tutorial mission" because I haven't played a 4x game in awhile and the game happily said, "Here's your king, this is Ireland, unify it. No I won't tell you what any of these 60 buttons do. Good luck." I kept having prisoners die then finally figured out if you go to the courtiers menu (because obviously that's where it would be) you can look at your prison.

Meanwhile in my action-platformer the tutorial starts with, "Hold right to move right you fucking dunce." You can rest assured you'll soon be told which button jump is. I'd love a 4x game that has a tutorial that doesn't assume you took the secret accounting courses in college where they teach you how to play these games.

Final Thoughts

I did enjoy having a ton of micro-goals to achieve and work on. Unfortunately they often required learning a new part of the game which involved watching an hour long YouTube tutorial. After about a week the events got kinda stale and I didn't feel like spending DLC money on being told all the different ways I'd failed my children as a parent, so that's when I called it quits. I felt I got my moneys worth.

Bonus Thought

It being a Paradox game there's more DLC than you can shake a stick at. Fortunately it's a Paradox game so none of the DLC is worth getting.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Salutations!

I have two cedar trees that merged into one growing in my back yard. Storm hit my town yesterday pretty bad and apparently the place where the trees split was rotten on the inside.

There was no obvious signs on the outside of rot, least of all to non-arborist like myself. My neighbor has also never mentioned the tree before.

Unfortunately when one of the halves of the tree fell. It broke part of my fence and totaled his vehicle. He only has liability on it. I'd like to do right by him since he's always been a good neighbor and see if I can't get my insurance to pay for it, but we also don't want to do anything shady.

I called my local insurance agent this morning and before I even finished speaking or saying anything about the rot, he said, "Act of god, not covered." I imagine they were fielding a lot of calls on account of the storm.

My questions:

• Am I screwing myself long term by even trying to get my insurance to cover it?
• If there was no reasonable suspicion of rot and as nobody has ever mentioned it to me before, is there even any chance of getting insurance to cover it anyways?

Thanks in advance!

Loop Hero is a rogue-lite deck builder developed by Four Quarters. Released in 2021, Loop Hero is what happens when someone likes the joke about the kid having his foot nailed to the floor so much they made a game out of it.

We play as an unnamed hero on a quest to stop the universe from coming to an end.

Gameplay involves googling 'bingeworthy Netflix shows' so that you have something to do while your hero joyfully walks in an endless circle of murder collecting sticks, food and metal from the fallen.

The Good

It reminded me a bit of Hand of Fate 2 where you build the world around yourself. I did enjoy the early game of figuring things out. One thing that took me awhile to figure out is just how quickly enemies scale. I felt like the game should have played the Sonic drowning music if you go beyond 10 loops to warn you about just how fucked you're about to be.

I love that the progression unlocks don't screw you like they often do in most rogue-lites. Anything you unlock you can immediately turn off or disable so you don't find yourself dealing with bloated options. You don't end up with garbage in the loot pool (COUGH BROTATO COUGH) just because you dared to play a lot.

The Bad

The entire strategy is in choosing what tiles to bring into a run with you. Once you figure out which tiles work best that's really all there is to it. In actual play there isn't all that much going on. The order tiles come in is RNG but where you are going to put them is pretty much the same every time.

It's one of those gameplay experiences where I was never sure if I was enjoying myself. There isn't enough going on to be interesting. I had more fun being a line cook at Applebees because at least occasionally the waitress would screw up an order and I'd get a free steak out of the deal.

The Questionable

While it doesn't bill itself as an idle game, it has a lot in common with the genre. Unfortunately it requires just enough fiddling that you can't just let it rip, so instead it's a sort of "You can play this, but you have to have something else that takes up most of your time going on as well."

The meta grind is painful given how simple each run is and that you're capped on how many resources you can win each run. If you actually want to beat the game you have to do enough grinding to do a complete rewatch of the Sopranos. So I say, leave the fuckin' cheese there.

Final Thoughts

It's a neat concept and I had fun for the first few hours. If you can get it cheap it's worth it for that much at least. If you're a completionist though it's a hard sell because the back 80% once you hit the grind is really boring and it requires just enough attention that you can't just enjoy it as an idler game either.

Bonus Thought

The Russian developers have criticized the war against Ukraine and thankfully as of yet have not fallen out of a window. They've been unable to make money off the game and they've said that folks who can't buy the game because of sanctions should seek 'alternate means of acquisition.'

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Infinite Adventures is a turn based dungeon crawler/blobber developed by Stormseeker Games. Released in 2018, Infinite Adventures reminds us that all you need to do to make an RPG is have a good imagination, be willing to copy Etrian Odyssey's homework and at least 25 friends willing to do voice acting for you.

We play as the 'Traveler', recently awoken a coma and informed that some old guy had a dream about us so it's up to us to save the world.

Gameplay involves spending 20 hours in the party creation screen agonizing over your character builds, then resetting two or three more times until you're satisfied with the party you've made. Then at level 20 you finally understand the game and start all over again with a meta party of 6 Geo Templars.

The Good

For such a low budget production there's a lot to love here. The character art is simple but charming. The voice acting sounds like it was recorded in several different bathrooms but they give it their all. The story is like a mix of JRPG cliche and Game of Thrones. There are AAA RPGs that could learn a thing or two from this.

I really enjoyed the depth of customization for each character. They even toss in a few things that have no real bearing on gameplay but make for fun background roleplay like country of origin or titles they get as they rank up. I love small things like that where the developer is clearly a nerd making games for nerds. One of us. One of us.

The Bad

There's a couple small issues.

For one there's this pause in the victory screen where you just have to sit there for a few seconds and ponder your decisions in life. Over the course of my 40ish hour playthrough at least 4 hours spent were waiting for that.

It also does that thing where dead characters don't get XP, and the game likes to kill you right before a fight ends quite often. Not a terribly big deal but my gamer OCD hates uneven exp bars so there were quite a few "Ugh" resets that are entirely my fault but I'm going to complain about it because I hate that mechanic.

The Questionable

This is one of those games where the difficulty slider is mostly just a "Do you want monsters to be able to one shot you?" switch. They don't get smarter or use different abilities. Technically it's harder, but in the Damocles style of difficulty where it's entirely RNG based. And you thought you were going to avoid ancient Greek moral anecdotes today didn't you?

On the other hand, even on the highest difficulty your damage ramps up so quickly that if you go first the enemies last barely long enough for you to appreciate the snake lady waifu art. It's a game of rocket tag. Reminds me of my Pathfinder campaign where I spend 10 hours 3D printing and painting my miniatures only for the gunslinger to critically hit it on the first round of combat and back into the box it goes.

Final Thoughts

It's not the best blobber I've ever played, but it's also not the worst. It sits solidly in the middle and I really enjoyed it as the obvious labor of love that it is. If you grew up on games like Wizardry or more recently Etrian Odyssey this one is going to be right up your alley.

Bonus Thought

There is a post game but it's a bit obnoxious to get to. When you finish the game there's an unskippable credits screen and then the pause menu pops up with a big 'resume game' button highlighted. You'd think that's it, but if you click that, it sends you back to the main menu and your only option is to continue from your pre-end boss fight save. You have to -save- your game after the credits screen, then you can load that save to access the post game.

This is now the only place on the internet this knowledge is listed so you're welcome future googlers.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Greedfall is an action RPG developed by Spiders. Released in 2019, Greedfall reminds us that the solution to exploitive colonialism is apologizing, then killing everyone.

We play as De Sardet, legate of the constitution on a diplomatic mission, which you will remind people of constantly.

Gameplay involves walking back and forth between quest markers for about 40 hours. Every so often you have to remember what your attack keybind is then you can go back to fast traveling between quest markers.

The Good

I loved the voice acting. Steven Hartley voices one of your companions and his voice is absolute butter, a romance novel brought to life. Liam Garrigan is also on the cast and I've been in love with him since he voiced the Duke of Dogs in Thronebreaker, the Gwent spinoff game for the Witcher. They're both distinct and wonderful and really nailed it.

You also don't get many colonial RPGs either. There's Pillars of Eternity 2, this and a few that are colonial adjacent but not exactly on the nose. It's a fairly unique setting and one of my favorite. I love the feeling of ancient magic not standing a chance against a dude with a gun. In a fight between Gandalf and Indiana Jones I know who my horse is.

The Bad

Just about everything else is profoundly meh. The writing is atrocious, saved only by the amazing VAs. What little combat exists is uninteresting, tedious at best. Looting enemies/chests is a chore saved only by the fact that there's nothing worth actually looting after the first 20 minutes.

It's also a game stuck on repeat. There's exactly 3 building/cave interiors which are re-used constantly. You will spend 80% of your game fast traveling between the same 4 quest locations. If I hear, 'OH IT'S YOU ON OL MENAWI!' one more goddamn time...

The Questionable

This is another one of those "We designed a system you'll never use" games. They make a big deal in the tutorial about wearing the armor of your enemies to sneak through areas but to my recollection there are maybe two quests where it's worth doing. I hauled around armor for each faction the entire game for...Naut.

Which made me realize I never really cared for games that force you to gear swap anyways. Inventory management is typically one of my least favorite aspects and adding a "Try to remember which 8 pieces of gear you're not supposed to sell" on top of it is usually pretty obnoxious.

Plus the game points out that you have unique facial markings that everyone is aware of, but apparently tossing on a new hoodie makes you unrecognizable. Clark Kent eat your heart out.

Final Thoughts

If your favorite part of Dragon Age: Inquisition was running around turning in quests in the Hinterlands, then Greedfall is right up your alley. I loved the setting and the world building they did though. It was enough to carry me through the end.

Bonus Thought

I love games where the conversation exit dialog is always the same regardless of the conversation you just had. Nothing like telling someone they're an asshole and you hope they die. Then you exit the dialog like you just had some tea, cheerfully quipping, "I must take my leave your grace" and they in kind, "It was my pleasure talking with you."

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming

Fate/Extella is a Musou style action game developed by Marvelous. Released in 2017, Fate reminds us that skipping right to the third game in a series is probably going to leave you confused, especially when the first two games were visual novels.

We play as the "Master" who has lost their memory and must find out who they are in time to save the universe.

Gameplay involves mashing attack during combat, pausing for a moment during peak anime romance cutscenes, then going back to mashing attack during combat.

The Good

The origin of the series is a Visual Novel so it leans heavily into that. The story is mostly railroaded but you can make some choices that lead to more romantic or more antagonist results. Overall I enjoyed the plot, though it still leans heavily into JRPG tropes (spoiler: the power of friendship wins the day).

The voice acting and music are well done, getting the emotional vibe across well. I know just enough Japanese to know when I'm being insulted so I was able to follow along. The squeaky voices are kept to a reasonable minimum which I greatly appreciated.

The Bad

It's pretty obvious where their strength lies. Your Yuri Polycule storyline was fun to play out but the combat gameplay is sorely lacking. There's little to differentiate the attack patterns of each character and there's a grand total of 6 maps they regurgitate endlessly. What typically makes Musou games fun are the grandiose battlefields, the wide variety of characters and attacks. There's none of that here.

The Questionable

I normally don't harp on games for their art style but there's a subset of JRPGs that just kinda...gave up on advancing visually. Even pixel games have been pushing the bar in looking for new ways to use what they have available to make beautiful games.

But there's the "Dragon Quest 8 was the peak" division of where they all look like they could have been released along side Rogue Galaxy.

I get that budgets are a thing and you're supposed to use your imagination. It's just hard these days to take a game seriously when it's telling me that a character is a goddess of beauty from beyond the stars when she looks like she was constructed out of old Happy Meal containers.

Final Thoughts

If you ever played Dynasty Warriors and thought, "I really wish Wei Yan had butt cleavage and would comment on his burning passion for me," then this is the game for you. Otherwise it's not really a deep enough Musou game for Musou fans. I was invested enough in the story to finish but as soon as I saw the 147 more story cutscene alternatives I could unlock by replaying the game 30 more times I noped out.

Bonus Thought

I wonder if Emporer Nero would be flattered that 2000 years in the future someone would name an anime waifu after him. I feel like the guy who declared himself the bride of Pythagoras would have been all about that.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts. What did you think of the game? Did you have a similar experience or am I off my rocker?

My other reviews on patient gaming