Questioning the Double Standard?
I’ve been thinking about my accusation again, but this time without the anger. I’m trying to look at the relationship honestly and ask myself whether there was a double standard that I ignored for years.
For context, my ex and I dated for a long time. Most of the relationship was genuinely good. But at some point, she accused me of sexual assault. One of the incidents she pointed to which was the worst was a moment where I tried to initiate sex, she said no, and I immediately stopped. Nothing else happened after that....this was the worst incident that she mentioned.
Okay, now that everyone is up to speed. What’s been messing with my head lately is looking back at the rest of the relationship and realizing how many things I accepted from her without ever questioning them.
She used to put her hand between my legs while we were driving around with friends in secret when we first started dating. Nobody knew we were dating and she never asked if I was okay with it so I genuinely felt like I couldn't stop her and had to just sit there uncomfortably while trying to fight off an embarrassing public erection. She knew exactly what kind of reaction it would cause and knew I didn't like it and she still did it anyway.
During sex, she once dug her nails into my back so hard that I bled. She had literally peeled my skin off. She apologised but that was still technically a physical assault.
She also used to call me degrading names during intimacy, like calling me “her bitch,” even after I told her I didn’t like it.
At the time, I brushed off all of these events because I loved her, I was inexperienced, and I thought that was just part of our relationship dynamic. I never even considered that my own boundaries might matter too and that my boundaries had been crossed.
But now I can’t stop wondering why her actions were treated as normal in her eyes, while me asking for sex, being shot down, and accepting it, was proof that I was dangerous and sexually assaulted her?
I’m not saying she wasn’t allowed to feel uncomfortable or hurt by those moments. I’m not trying to erase her feelings. But I do think it’s fair for me to finally admit that there were also times when my own comfort and consent weren’t respected either.
I think the hardest part psychologically for me is realizing that I spent years seeing myself only through the lens of her accusations while completely ignoring experiences that probably would have been taken MUCH more seriously if the genders were reversed.