u/Zestyclose_Guide4688

hello everybody, I didn’t really know where to post this so I just chose r/vent. I want to preface this by saying I’m an introverted guy and kind of always have been, I’ve kept to myself for as long as I can remember and don’t spend much time in public. This is kind of just my life story or atleast the parts I want to talk about so far in no particular order

**First Girlfriend and Freshman Year:**

So it’s been about 9 months since me and my first girlfriend broke up, we mainly broke up because of my mental health, I was checking in and out of the mental hospital and with highschool starting my social anxiety worsened, I was getting bullied in first period gym class for being bad at sports and had a lot of underlying family issues aswell causing a sort of melt down every day. Freshman year was really hard for me and I didn’t have any friends to talk to (other then my girlfriend at the time of course) but I decided to end the relationship because I felt like we didn’t have a healthy dynamic, we’d spend unhealthy amounts of time together to the point where I’d wake up with her on the phone almost every morning, I mean she was the light of my life at the time and I loved spending time with her but I really felt like a burden because of all my problems at the time, I was in a position where I really really needed to work on myself before I spend any more time on a relationship. Anyways we broke up and I was at the worst point of my life I felt extremely lonely and almost incurable, about a week after we broke up I found out throughout the later months of our relationship (which lasted about 2 and a half years ) she was cheating on me with a guy from her afterschool wrestling club. And honestly it broke me so bad that day I jumped off a bridge, thankfully I didn’t have any severe injuries but they wheeled me into the hospital and I spent a couple weeks there, I mean it was really stupid on my part but for me at the time it felt like the end of the world lol.

Although the healing process has been getting better I still cannot stop comparing myself to her new boyfriend, I think to myself, that he’s better looking, bigger figure and a kinder person overall and it really sucks the life out of me sometimes because I still kind of miss her.

**Divorce + Years Before My Adolescence/Covid-19**

so when I was in the 3rd grade my parents had a divorce and quite honestly it felt very taboo that my parents divorced and I felt very ashamed as I always kind of assumed it was my fault.

during their divorce and many of my early formative years my parents were kind of absent, not absent in the sense where they weren’t here physically but more emotionally, we didn’t have much money so we were living in a dump which agitated both of my parents (especially my dad because he grew up really rich) this would cause them to yell and scream and fight with eachother every single day without fail. I sort of always got in the middle of it and would be beaten or punished by my fatheruntil bruised or I peed myself which was a common thing I did to get out of his beatings. During these years both of my parents were extremely absent, my mom would leave all day and wouldn’t come back till the next day without saying anything and my dad would go to the pub and drink himself practically to sleep. I quickly got outcast at school as my personal hygiene was shit, I had major depression and didn’t brush my teeth properly

quite frankly I don’t remember much about living with my father and mother simultaneously without violence so I guess we’ll just skip over that. Anyways my mom won custody of me and we moved in with my grandparents (mothers side) and this is when the pandemic started, so I was a depressed 9 year old kid stuck inside all day stuck on the computer for school. fuuuuuunnnnnn

Anyways one uneventful pandemic later and I’m back in school.

but this time it was different, I was extremely angry and antisocial, this is something I regret to this day but up until the 7th grade I would bully other kids for my own insecurities, if I’m being honest I had no idea why and I’m ashamed for doing this but we can’t really change the past. So I learned to live with it, I mean I was consumed with guilt for the next couple years but I tried my best to live with it.

**Weed:**

yup..
I’m guessing a lot of you assumed some form of substance abuse was going to happen and you were right.

anyways near semester 2 of my sevenths grade I got diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder and some sort of social anxiety I forget, so they gave me a shit ton of lame ass SSRIS which didn’t really work on me, so I resorted to try and self medicating, which is when I discovered marijuana through one of my classmates and to be honest that changed everything, I got immediately addicted to it and honestly I didn’t even think it was bad because it made me happy (but that’s probably because I got a girlfriend in the following months lol). Anyways i felt on top of the damn world everyday because I was blazing that shit like Bob Marley.

this all came to a stop when my mom found out I was doing drugs, she didn’t know what to do so she sent me overseas to live with my dad for a couple months and hopefully “rehabilitate” myself

**Overseas:**

the following summer of the 7th grade my dad took me in, and it was probably like the worst summer of my life I was continents away from my mom and I was stuck with a 5’8 hobo that used to beat me when he was upset

to be completely honest I felt bad for my dad

He looked like a shell of what he once was, he could never look me in the eyes and always looked like he carried guilt and remorse for treating me and my mother poorly all those years ago.

so I tried to build a connection with him, although it’s not your standard father son bond I really did try to get along with him but I just couldn’t really do that after finding out he only moved overseas because of his new girlfriend

she was a teacher and the kindest person I’ve ever met in my entire life, they were happy together
and that was exactly the problem they had a cozy apartment with a standard urban city life.

they were so happy together and although I was happy for him I couldn’t really forgive him.
it kind of reinforced the idea that me and my mother were the problem (which is something he’d frequently say about us).

One day he got drunk and pulled my nose and said I had my mothers nose and said it ruins my entire face and that I was ugly and that really hurt was he was being completely honest + he used to be an actor when he was younger so he was obsessed with good looks

there were a lot more said but that hurt the most

anyways returning back to my hometown wasn’t much of a sweet time either as I found out my mom had a new boyfriend too

and seeing how my dad was, Jesus fuck I was pissed I thought she’d abandon me too.

**8th grade**

nothing bad actually happened this year in fact quite the opposite, I found out about music and started listening to old punk rock records that I found online, stuff like sonic youth and the germs and whatnot. Anyways punk rock probably saved my life and I owe it all to them.

Near the middle of the 8th grade I decided to steal my mom’s boyfriend’s old electric guitar, to try and make music lol. I wasn’t necessarily the best but I’d scream and play and pretend to be like Kurt Cobain
In my basement.

It doesn’t seem like it but screaming about my problems and playing sloppy guitar was actually pretty therapeutic for me.

Well as you guys know my life kind of took a detour in the 9th grade, sorry I didn’t really write any of this in order it was more of a spur of the moment kind of thing anyways thank you guys for reading if you did.