Advice
Salam everyone,
I’m posting here because I genuinely want honest and blunt opinions, especially from people who understand Shia marriage, family dynamics, culture, religion, psychology, and real life beyond just idealistic answers.
I’m 24 years old, Shia Muslim, currently living in Australia.
I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia most of my life. My father has a successful business there and Alhamdulillah my family is financially stable and well respected socially. My background is mixed Iranian and Indian culturally, and I grew up around strong family values, deen, and a very traditional Shia environment.
I’ve completed my Master’s degree as well, and from the outside, most people would probably say my life looks “good.”
But internally, my life has been extremely conflicted.
My parents want me to get married now, and honestly I also want marriage deeply. I genuinely want companionship, loyalty, peace, emotional safety, family, children, and a relationship that helps both people build dunya and akhirah together.
But at the same time, I feel extremely scared and lost.
Because I feel like I’ve lived two completely different lives inside one body.
One side of me was always deeply connected to religion:
namaz, majalis, azaadari, love for Ahlulbayt (as), guilt after sins, respect for parents, wanting halal love, wanting a pure marriage, wanting to become a better Muslim.
The other side of me got exposed to extremely bad environments and worldly lifestyles:
partying, drugs, alcohol, reckless company, self-destructive phases, and periods where I spiritually became very weak.
But I think what hurts me is that people often judge humans too simply.
People assume:
“If someone did bad things, then they must be a bad person.”
And honestly, I don’t think that’s true.
Even during my worst phases, there were certain lines I never crossed.
I never got into relationships with girls.
Never slept around.
Never emotionally played with women.
Never became someone who used girls for attention or pleasure.
Never wanted hookup culture.
In fact, one thing I was extremely stubborn about was this:
If I ever marry someone, I wanted to belong fully to my wife emotionally and physically.
I always believed if I expect loyalty, honesty, modesty, sincerity, and purity from a woman, then I should try to preserve those things within myself too.
Which is why my own contradictions confuse me so much.
Because how can someone love religion and still fall into sins?
How can someone want purity while also destroying parts of themselves?
How can someone genuinely have good intentions while living in bad environments?
That’s the battle I’ve been living for years.
Alhamdulillah, despite everything, people around me still praise me a lot for my character, communication, kindness, loyalty, emotional depth, family values, and the way I treat others.
But internally I constantly question myself.
Physically, I’m around 5’10 and currently overweight (around 120kg), and I’m actively trying to improve myself and become healthier as well. Sometimes I feel hypocritical wanting a beautiful spouse while still trying to fully fix myself physically and mentally, even though I’m genuinely putting effort into changing.
Career-wise, I’m still building myself. I live in Australia currently, but I don’t even fully know where life is heading:
whether I’ll settle here permanently,
whether I’ll get PR,
whether I’ll move back home,
whether my career will stabilize properly,
whether I’m actually ready to lead a family emotionally and financially.
And maybe the biggest thing:
I’m the only son in my family with two sisters as well, so responsibility feels extremely heavy on me.
Another thing that scares me deeply:
I have promised myself that I will never build a marriage on lies.
If I speak to a girl in an arranged marriage setting and things become serious, eventually difficult conversations about past, character, and life experiences will happen.
And honestly this terrifies me.
Because I don’t know:
how much should actually be disclosed Islamically,
whether honesty helps or destroys marriages,
whether people truly accept changed people,
or whether everyone says “Allah forgives” until the reality becomes personal.
One of my biggest fears is this:
If I tell a girl honestly about my past mistakes, maybe she understands my intentions, sees my heart, sees my struggle, sees who I’m trying to become, and accepts me despite everything.
Or maybe she gets scared, rejects me, exposes me, tells families, and destroys my parents emotionally and socially.
And wallah, the thought of disappointing my parents hurts me more than rejection itself.
I would rather suffer silently than let my parents feel ashamed because of my past.
At the same time, I also don’t want to deceive someone’s daughter either.
So I feel trapped between:
truth,
guilt,
growth,
fear,
deen,
family expectations,
responsibility,
marriage,
self-worth,
and my past.
And I know some people might read this and think:
“Bro just move on, Allah forgives.”
But psychologically it’s not that simple when you actually have self-awareness and understand responsibility deeply.
Especially when you genuinely want to become a good husband one day.
So I genuinely want blunt answers:
Would you genuinely let your daughter/sister marry someone with a background like this if his intentions and character were real?
Can a man with a darker past actually become a genuinely good husband long term?
Does a person deserve to be judged by who they were or who they’re trying to become?
How much should actually be disclosed Islamically and morally before marriage?
Is my fear wisdom… or self-hatred?
Do women actually care more about a man’s current character and intentions, or do past mistakes permanently change how they see him?
Am I overthinking marriage because I understand responsibility deeply, or am I simply not ready?
Please don’t sugarcoat answers.
I genuinely want reality, especially from married people and sisters as well.
JazakAllah.