Overwhelmed 33F trying to decide if she should leave 32M
Going to try to keep this short and sweet. I won’t, kinda can’t. Before you ask, yes I’m in therapy, have a support system, all that.
I (33F) have had probably the worst month in my life and by majority standards. It started when I got laid off my job of four years unexpectedly by email along with 950 other people. The next thing to happen was putting my family dog who I shared a very close bond with to sleep the following week and a half later; this was especially hard because she was still playing, eating, living, but had developed a very aggressive tumor that could rupture in an hour or a month and be horribly painful crisis. I held her little paw as she took her last breaths, and buried her, all while being the emotional rock for my parents and sister. The day I found out about the tumor, I had a very important interview for a new job. The day I helped her cross the rainbow bridge, I had another. By some miracle, I did well and have been progressing to the final stages for a senior level position, but it’s been a few days longer than I was expecting to hear back for my final test interview with some big time CEO.
The relationship part comes now - I’ve been with my boyfriend (32M) for about six years. We’ve lived together for two. It has not been easy. Moving in, I realized how much he was drinking and how often, couldn’t stop once he gets started which was an every day thing, and it quickly escalated to realizing he was an alcoholic. His family became involved, promises were made and broken, fighting in a constant cycle until the better part of the last 6 months he’s cut back but with no medical or mental help which he makes excuses for. In two weeks checked he’d stay sober, then slowly work back to square one. On Easter, he promised to finally do 30 days sober after fighting about it for over a year.
He’s been fairly supportive and not added stress to what’s a stressful time for us both. Financially we’re both in a really good position, and him owning the house is a blessing. Regardless, your partner loses their job, it’s stressful. You’re fighting addiction, stressful. This all came to a huge head however, when he brought alcohol home for me (it wasn’t really for me obviously) the day I put the dog to sleep. It was my fault, I said I could really use a drink. I said no actually I don’t, that’s a bad idea. Of course he claims he didn’t see that part and a bottle of vodka comes home with him, “for me.” I drank a little bit and finally got emotional. I think I dissociated for a couple days to make sure my dog wasn’t scared when everyone else was hysterical around her, and also to not drop the ball on the interviews. Anyways, he proceeded to drink almost the whole bottle. I didn’t say much because I was just grateful to be taken care of for a minute, which I’m not used to. Then it was a cheat weekend of some sorts but Sunday I said this is done, we are both done with this Monday.
But Monday came last week, he came home drunk. Some guy at some event wanted to catch up and get a beer. It’s an ongoing issue where he can never go do anything independently or with friends without drinking. If they’re having a beer, of course he has to have a beer, another and another, keep it up when he gets home. Having had a couple weeks break in enjoying him coming home sober and present and participating, I broke. I decided enough was enough, I can’t trust him after so many broken promises, and I don’t respect him after making the choice to come home Monday drunk and late despite what I’ve been going through. Of course he blamed me for creating ambiguity because I drank some of the vodka he brought home for me three days prior. When he drank that bottle, I got a little more the next day and he drank most of that one too, which was my mistake honestly getting it for myself in the first place and bringing it home. Tuesday we had a long talk and I said these things, and we’ve fought on/off since. Everything I’ve ever said or done wrong was his focus. I had my mind made up I was leaving. I’ve looked at houses, I just got approved today for the only one I could consider with a back yard that wouldn’t make me feel sick for my rescue dog that’s fallen in love with the huge yard at our current house.
Oh yeah, I also adopted a rescue dog with a history of abuse two months ago that is finally starting to trust the good life and good people and is spoiled to all hell. Which is an added layer to this whole mess because none of this is fair to her and I feel horrible to uproot her whole new life.
The final kicker? Found out two days ago my boyfriend’s dad has cancer. No, this is not a desperate attempt to keep me around, I heard it from his family, who I’m extremely close to, myself. I have passed everything we’ve been sorting out to be supportive to my boyfriend and his family. They’re going to lose their heads if I leave their son while this is all happening, and my plans to tell his mom that he never actually stopped drinking and lied to her, asked me to lie as well, now can’t happen without her spiraling out. So I know that if I leave, he’ll keep it secret, be broken alone, probably go in a bender again and hurt himself or someone else in the process. Just be a broken mess which breaks my heart even if most of that is by his own choices.
I love my boyfriend. He’s a good person with a bad problem. I too I am a good person albeit with boundary issues and one who lost self esteem and respect for awhile over the last couple years. But we have so much other shit to work on prior to and post his drinking issue. and it’s taken so much to even get to the point of him doing a measly month of sobriety after the last 500ish days he’s put me through to admit just this problem. I have a hard time believing he’ll want to or be able put in the work with me to solve any of the rest, and he doesn’t intend to ever be fully sober forever.
It feels like just as I got the steel to finally choose myself, it’s being melted away in front of me by circumstances I can’t control. I was willing to blow up my whole life all at once - get a new job, a new house, be single, pack, move, take care of my new dog, be broke, grieve all of the things - before the cancer announcement but that’s got me thinking and backtracking on everything. He’s sober right now for at least the next month, even before the cancer news. While I think I’m getting this job (it would actually be wild if I don’t for several unique and advantageous to the company reasons), I haven’t heard back on next steps since my last interview Friday so that’s not great. My dog is elated to see us talking normal again and not fighting. The fighting has paused while I’ve tabled things to be supportive and the rose tinted glasses are on.
My friends and family and any ethical therapist of course won’t tell me what they would do because the responsibility of me listening and choosing to take their advice and it blowing up in my face is too risky. So coming here to open up a discussion and dialogue to help me sort through my options and how I can handle this while keeping what sanity I can. Thanks for the long read and your thoughts.