r/AskONLYWomenOver30

I (32F) went from being so anxious about getting pregnant on accident to hoping it happens. My boyfriend and I have officially had the talk of “we know we want to start trying for kids in about a year, if it accidentally happens before, great, but let’s not try”.

It’s like that convo switched something in my brain and I’m hoping I’m pregnant. We are pretty safe, but rely on methods that can be risky (condoms during ovulation and pullout all other times). This month my cycle tracking app seems like it was a little off on ovulation and I’m secretly hoping it was. Even though the chances are still slim with pullout.

I feel like this convo made it real for me and now I’m worried when we do try maybe my egg count will be too low. I turn 33 next week, so that’s also probably playing a role. I’ve always wanted a baby, but was never in a rush, so this is a new feeling.

Now I’m around my expected period with some nausea (normal pms for me), and random lightheaded spells and I’m overthinking everything and needed to get it out lol.

Maybe for some it is, while that’s not the case for everyone. 31F and I’ve had my share of body image issues, so I question my overall attractiveness. However, I’ve had people tell me: I’m single by choice, picky, don’t really know what I want etc. I have some pretty bad social anxiety (getting medicated again for the first time in years) so my only way of meeting guys are on the dating apps. Lack of attention isn’t an issue for most women, yet I’ve had more bad than good experiences. Ghosting, fizzling out, bad conversationalists, gross messages etc. There were times in the past where I only expected the worst and maybe was going through one of my “eff it” moods, where I wouldn’t give the guys an opportunity to meet in the first place. It’s like I’m apathetic about dating, only expect disappointment but feel conflicted when I see people my age happily coupled up on social media. I know I’m physically attracted to guys but there’s this disconnect. I’ve never been boy crazy and still don’t have that urge to be intimate or sexual in any capacity, does it take the right person to spark that? Or am I overthinking everything?

Going to try to keep this short and sweet. I won’t, kinda can’t. Before you ask, yes I’m in therapy, have a support system, all that.

I (33F) have had probably the worst month in my life and by majority standards. It started when I got laid off my job of four years unexpectedly by email along with 950 other people. The next thing to happen was putting my family dog who I shared a very close bond with to sleep the following week and a half later; this was especially hard because she was still playing, eating, living, but had developed a very aggressive tumor that could rupture in an hour or a month and be horribly painful crisis. I held her little paw as she took her last breaths, and buried her, all while being the emotional rock for my parents and sister. The day I found out about the tumor, I had a very important interview for a new job. The day I helped her cross the rainbow bridge, I had another. By some miracle, I did well and have been progressing to the final stages for a senior level position, but it’s been a few days longer than I was expecting to hear back for my final test interview with some big time CEO.

The relationship part comes now - I’ve been with my boyfriend (32M) for about six years. We’ve lived together for two. It has not been easy. Moving in, I realized how much he was drinking and how often, couldn’t stop once he gets started which was an every day thing, and it quickly escalated to realizing he was an alcoholic. His family became involved, promises were made and broken, fighting in a constant cycle until the better part of the last 6 months he’s cut back but with no medical or mental help which he makes excuses for. In two weeks checked he’d stay sober, then slowly work back to square one. On Easter, he promised to finally do 30 days sober after fighting about it for over a year.

He’s been fairly supportive and not added stress to what’s a stressful time for us both. Financially we’re both in a really good position, and him owning the house is a blessing. Regardless, your partner loses their job, it’s stressful. You’re fighting addiction, stressful. This all came to a huge head however, when he brought alcohol home for me (it wasn’t really for me obviously) the day I put the dog to sleep. It was my fault, I said I could really use a drink. I said no actually I don’t, that’s a bad idea. Of course he claims he didn’t see that part and a bottle of vodka comes home with him, “for me.” I drank a little bit and finally got emotional. I think I dissociated for a couple days to make sure my dog wasn’t scared when everyone else was hysterical around her, and also to not drop the ball on the interviews. Anyways, he proceeded to drink almost the whole bottle. I didn’t say much because I was just grateful to be taken care of for a minute, which I’m not used to. Then it was a cheat weekend of some sorts but Sunday I said this is done, we are both done with this Monday.

But Monday came last week, he came home drunk. Some guy at some event wanted to catch up and get a beer. It’s an ongoing issue where he can never go do anything independently or with friends without drinking. If they’re having a beer, of course he has to have a beer, another and another, keep it up when he gets home. Having had a couple weeks break in enjoying him coming home sober and present and participating, I broke. I decided enough was enough, I can’t trust him after so many broken promises, and I don’t respect him after making the choice to come home Monday drunk and late despite what I’ve been going through. Of course he blamed me for creating ambiguity because I drank some of the vodka he brought home for me three days prior. When he drank that bottle, I got a little more the next day and he drank most of that one too, which was my mistake honestly getting it for myself in the first place and bringing it home. Tuesday we had a long talk and I said these things, and we’ve fought on/off since. Everything I’ve ever said or done wrong was his focus. I had my mind made up I was leaving. I’ve looked at houses, I just got approved today for the only one I could consider with a back yard that wouldn’t make me feel sick for my rescue dog that’s fallen in love with the huge yard at our current house.

Oh yeah, I also adopted a rescue dog with a history of abuse two months ago that is finally starting to trust the good life and good people and is spoiled to all hell. Which is an added layer to this whole mess because none of this is fair to her and I feel horrible to uproot her whole new life.

The final kicker? Found out two days ago my boyfriend’s dad has cancer. No, this is not a desperate attempt to keep me around, I heard it from his family, who I’m extremely close to, myself. I have passed everything we’ve been sorting out to be supportive to my boyfriend and his family. They’re going to lose their heads if I leave their son while this is all happening, and my plans to tell his mom that he never actually stopped drinking and lied to her, asked me to lie as well, now can’t happen without her spiraling out. So I know that if I leave, he’ll keep it secret, be broken alone, probably go in a bender again and hurt himself or someone else in the process. Just be a broken mess which breaks my heart even if most of that is by his own choices.

I love my boyfriend. He’s a good person with a bad problem. I too I am a good person albeit with boundary issues and one who lost self esteem and respect for awhile over the last couple years. But we have so much other shit to work on prior to and post his drinking issue. and it’s taken so much to even get to the point of him doing a measly month of sobriety after the last 500ish days he’s put me through to admit just this problem. I have a hard time believing he’ll want to or be able put in the work with me to solve any of the rest, and he doesn’t intend to ever be fully sober forever.

It feels like just as I got the steel to finally choose myself, it’s being melted away in front of me by circumstances I can’t control. I was willing to blow up my whole life all at once - get a new job, a new house, be single, pack, move, take care of my new dog, be broke, grieve all of the things - before the cancer announcement but that’s got me thinking and backtracking on everything. He’s sober right now for at least the next month, even before the cancer news. While I think I’m getting this job (it would actually be wild if I don’t for several unique and advantageous to the company reasons), I haven’t heard back on next steps since my last interview Friday so that’s not great. My dog is elated to see us talking normal again and not fighting. The fighting has paused while I’ve tabled things to be supportive and the rose tinted glasses are on.

My friends and family and any ethical therapist of course won’t tell me what they would do because the responsibility of me listening and choosing to take their advice and it blowing up in my face is too risky. So coming here to open up a discussion and dialogue to help me sort through my options and how I can handle this while keeping what sanity I can. Thanks for the long read and your thoughts.

Does anyone else ever find themselves thinking the deepest of romantic love is a myth? Or perhaps it exists, but is never lasting. The great poets, musicians, artists, all seem to have experienced it, but it seems to always be fleeting. Does it ever stay and fight for forever? Does it ever last until the end?

I am talking about the love that feels as though you've known each other over several lifetimes. The depth of the connection is beyond anything you've experienced before. Where there is an unexplained magnetic force and depth of understanding between you. Where the chemistry is palpable and you experience things in relation to each other that modern science cannot explain.

I have experienced what I would call a glimpse of it, and it felt like everything I ever dreamed of and more. But it was short-lived. And now I find myself wondering if I've idealized something that doesn't actually exist. That what I experienced was a fluke or that perhaps that depth of connection is unsustainable long term.

since i turned 25, i guess i've just been feeling kind of lost in the ocean. just kinda floating through life. i know that sounds kinda silly, but i feel like i should have some sort of "bigger picture" goal. i mean, i am engaged so i know i want to be married and have a family but..... what else?? who i am to be outside of that, i guess. maybe this is more of a vent than an actual question, haha. i just keep thinking, who am i? what do i want? how do i find out?

31F and I know sex drive for a lot of people can be spontaneous, it’s automatic and relationship status isn’t a factor. But the kind of responsive desire that needs safety, emotional connection etc…can a suitable partner take someone’s sex drive from 0 to 100? It’s generalized that a lot of women fall under that umbrella of needing a strong connection to want to be sexually active, but what if the woman isn’t sexual in the first place? My mother always says the right person changes everything and while that can be true, it sounds too Disney. Am I being naive to assume that’s somewhat cliche? Id like to think their sex drive was always present and now they just have someone they’re comfortable enough to have sex with. Asking for a friend…that might or might not be on the asexual spectrum.

How do I deal with my soon to be fiancé having their parents buy majority of my engagement ring?

I’m in the process of getting engaged. Picked out the ring style and my partner is getting it custom made based on all the things I liked. Im beyond excited for this next step with them. We’ve been together for 4 years now. I’m in my early 30s and my partner is a few years younger than me, so there’s a bit of a dynamic of them being ok with waiting for kids and such for a couple years while i want to start sooner rather than later. Ok, I found out my partner asked their parents for money to pay for over half the engagement ring. They said it was to make sure I got everything I wanted within the timeline I wanted. I feel so uncomfortable with this. Their parents have already said they would help with the wedding so my partner assumed this was part of the wedding expenses. I love my partner but this really destroys me as this was something I felt was sacred for just the two of us and should be kept between us, and not a wedding expense to be helped with. And I’m feeling guilty bc I never wanted to make it seem like I needed the most expensive ring. I expressed multiple times I did not want a super expensive ring. I’m genuinely feeling like the ring is tarnished to me, and I don’t want to feel that way.

Any advice on how to deal? We’ve been basically arguing back and forth about whether this is ok or not. They said this was the easiest option opposed to credit cards and loans. But really hate the idea of his parents buying my engagement ring.

Update: we’ve discussed budget previously and I have many times mentioned I did not want the most expensive ring nor do I need all the things I dream of in the ring. I would gladly downsize to whatever works for my partners budget if I knew whatever I had chosen was not in the original budget. I was told it was until just recently. I do not care how small the ring is or what it lacks. I care about the symbol and the meaning of it to us.

I am so honored and grateful his family wants to help out with this and that they love me. and I truly cannot wait to be part of the family.

I’ve only ever used external ones and honestly liked them enough that I never really thought about trying anything insertable.
Part of me is curious and part of me is intimidated by them for some reason 😭
For people who’ve tried both, did you end up preferring one? Or are they just completely different experiences?
And also… are the more expensive ones actually noticeably better or is that mostly marketing?

It's Saturday! Grab your choice of morning beverage and come chat with us.

Feel free to post whatever random thoughts, complaints, and things you'd like to discuss in this thread. It's a free-for-all topic discussion.

I’m 29F and on the verge of leaving my relationship. We’ve been together for four years, and it’s been a long time since I’ve truly been single. Most of my adult life has been spent moving from one relationship to another, and when my last relationship ended, I started talking to my current partner pretty quickly.

I don’t really have close friends — my sister is my best friend, and over the years my partner became my best friend too. We spend most of our time together, and he’s the only person I really play PC games with, which is one of my favorite hobbies. I think part of what scares me most is the idea of being alone again and having to rebuild my life and routine from scratch.

I’ve invested so much time into this relationship. I know 30 is still young, but starting over still feels overwhelming. The hardest part is that I haven’t really felt valued or respected in any of my adult relationships, and I’m scared maybe I’ll never experience that kind of love.

My current partner often talks down to me or treats me with hostility, and it’s worn me down emotionally. The idea of dating again honestly feels exhausting, especially when so many people seem angry, bitter, or distrustful toward each other now.

I know I probably need therapy, and I know I need to learn how to be okay on my own for a while. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance from people who’ve been through this — that it’s still possible to find something genuine, healthy, and loving. I want to believe there are still people out there who truly value and respect their partners.

Cross-posting here because I wasn't sure the first subreddit was the right place for this.

What's driving you up the wall this week? Here's your outlet to rant and curse.

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I (38F) am starting to have doubts about someone (40M) I’ve been seeing for around 2.5 months and I can’t work out if I’m overthinking or if my body is trying to tell me something.

On paper he’s lovely. Emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, politically engaged, affectionate, very secure, reassuring, kind. He messages me every day, remembers things I say, checks in on me etc. He’s also been incredibly understanding about difficult emotional stuff in my life recently and has handled it maturely.

But I’m starting to feel this creeping sense of dread and emotional flatness around the relationship and I feel awful about it because he genuinely hasn’t done anything “bad”.

A few things are bothering me though:

In 10 weeks he hasn’t been to my house once. I’ve always gone to him. I don’t drive either, so I’ve walked, ubered etc. We also don’t live far apart at all — it’s about a 12 minute Uber or roughly an hour walk. He has reasons (dog, broken car, money stress) but eventually I brought it up and he initially got defensive and tried to claim things had been more balanced than they actually have been. He apologised afterwards and said he’d come to mine more, but something about the defensiveness really bothered me.

He’s struggling mentally a bit at the moment (possible ADHD/depression) and I’ve noticed I’m starting to feel more like an emotional support system than someone excitedly dating a person. I feel terrible even typing that because I care about him a lot.

He dominates conversations sometimes. We can spend hours talking about his thoughts/interests/history/politics and then afterwards I realise he barely asked me anything about myself. He’s very intelligent, but not especially playful or emotionally “bouncy”, if that makes sense? I’m a very playful/personality-led person and I’m starting to feel weirdly unseen.

I’ve noticed I’m carrying a lot of the emotional momentum. Organising, travelling, checking in, adapting around him etc.

The confusing thing is I do care about him and I think he really cares about me too. I don’t think he’s malicious or selfish. I actually think he’s probably a bit stuck/low mentally at the moment.

But I’m also noticing I’m relieved when plans get cancelled and the idea of sitting in his flat lately fills me with exhaustion rather than excitement.

Has anyone experienced this kind of “nothing is technically wrong but something feels off” relationship? Did it turn out to be anxiety/avoidance or genuine incompatibility?

My boyfriend (28M) and I (26F) have been dating for 2 months, but we’ve known each other for about 2 years. We both have pretty bad trust/jealousy issues from past relationships involving cheating, so I know some of my reactions are influenced by that.

Overall, he’s honestly an amazing boyfriend. He’s attentive, affectionate, caring, cooks for me, takes care of me constantly, and makes me feel very loved. We spend almost every night together and basically live together already. I genuinely do trust him as a person.

But early in the relationship, he mentioned a few girls he had gone on dates with before we got together, and I noticed he still followed them on Instagram. In my head, that immediately translated to “keeping options open.” I brought it up, and he willingly removed them without arguing. But what bothered me was feeling like I had to be the one to say something in the first place.

Then later, the same thing happened with another girl he had only gone on one date with. Again, he removed her immediately and reassured me he didn’t even notice he still followed her and never interacted with her. I actually believe him.

Recently, though, I got curious and looked through his Instagram following (around 670 accounts total) and found maybe 16 accounts of influencer/OnlyFans-type girls who mostly post revealing content. From what I could tell, the follows and likes were all from before we started dating, and he hasn’t interacted with any of it since we got together.

Still, it really bothers me knowing those accounts are technically still there and likely pop up on his feed/stories occasionally. Especially because he’s told me recently that he hates social media now and barely even uses Instagram anymore unless he’s bored at work or checking messages.

What’s confusing me is that he also mentioned doing a huge Instagram “purge” a while ago where he unfollowed tons of people… so part of me wonders why these accounts stayed.

I genuinely can’t tell if I’m overthinking because of my own insecurities/past experiences or if this is a valid thing to feel uncomfortable about. I also don’t want to become controlling or make him feel monitored, especially because he’s never actually given me a reason not to trust him.

Would you bring this up again? And if so, how do you do it without sounding controlling or insecure?

hi ladies! i’m a 20f and looking for advice from all of you more wise ladies on here. i haven’t been in a relationship in 4 years & i feel like i’ll never get to that point to where i’ll ever meet someone. it’s hard seeing women my age be in long-term relationships and i feel like i’ll never get there. it’s hard because i’m used to being alone and i’m content with that but a part in my mind is craving that romantic aspect in life. i have amazing friends & family but i just feel so behind.. i’d love advice from you ladies if possible. thank you. 😊

I was out with my girlfriends and one of them kept reminding everyone of her huge breasts and made suttle comments about me being flat.. so silly..anyone feel the same way that guys don’t care but some girls will make comments?

For me at least, 31F and feeling bad about my self image atm. I have pretty severe anxiety and have been medicated for the past few months, so I’m working on that aspect of my life. I’ve been told by a variety of people, not only family or friends, that I’m attractive. I try to take care of myself and question how someone can be attractive if they’re ALWAYS single. It’s always assumed that the average woman can find a man without batting an eye, not to mention the crazy amount of attention that beautiful women experience. I’m not saying I’m a 10 but I’d like to think that I should be able to attract a man that checks off most of my boxes. I’m very introverted & have to rely on dating apps, I get the attention but that doesn’t work out in my favor since I’m clearly still alone. I can maybe count on one hand the amount of times that an attractive guy subtly/indirectly showed interest in person…how’s that supposed to make me feel better?

Aside from anxiety, I do think that I tend to prefer my alone time and that may stem from being raised an only child for most of my life. There’s the hard truth of wanting to protect my peace, however I’m pretty content with having no friends. The last thing that I question the most is asexuality, however it’s hard to tell if it’s more due to the lack of finding the right person. All my life, I’ve been indifferent about sex and no desire to be sexually active. I know I’m attracted to men but have never been boy crazy, I had celeb crushes growing up though. I can acknowledge that a guy is attractive but don’t really experience sexual attraction, more like romantic attraction if I have feelings for him beforehand. I’m apathetic about relationships to an extent but feel conflicted when I see other attractive people in relationships on social media etc… make it make sense?! Being naturally a loner, anxious, independent, bordering avoidant attachment style and possibly asexual are all very likely valid reasons to justify being single…but they say there’s someone for everyone.

It's Saturday! Grab your choice of morning beverage and come chat with us.

Feel free to post whatever random thoughts, complaints, and things you'd like to discuss in this thread. It's a free-for-all topic discussion.