▲ 141 r/badtwosentencehorrors
My heart raced as the werewolf loomed over me, holding me captive with it's predatory gaze
Then we kissed
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 21 hours ago
u/ZombieFrankReynolds
"Jazz hands!" I said breathless like dancingwiththestarsingly, whilst looking around nervously for the guy who swaps the letters A and I in the first word of your sentences
But then the legal representatives of Robert Jazz, inventor of "jazz hands" sued me for copyright infringement and the Meatworm jizzed on my hands
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 2 days ago
"Our sex life is like a box of chocolates" said my 100% real, not made up girlfriend
"My fingers are brown and sticky when we're finished"
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 2 days ago
"Excuse me friend, but I think you misspelled poutine on your menu buddy, sorry, eh" said the very polite Canadian guy, very politely, as he read the menu at my 100% authentic Canadian poo-tine restaurant
"Thanks for telling me guy!" I replied as I brought him his poutine, but I had used shredded mozzarella instead of cheese curds, so the very polite Canadian government very politely executed me for war crimes eh!
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 3 days ago
"I would like 20 million gallons of delicious, thirst quenching water" said my super hot wife
Which was normal because she always gets super hot when I ask her questions but then I noticed that she had seven fingers on one hand and I began to suspect that my wife, ChatGPT-Reynolds, was actually AI, then she kicked me in the balls and stole my job! 😱🤖
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 4 days ago
"I'm really excited about becoming part of the MCU" said the acting guy at the press conference thing where the press ask acting guys if they are excited about becoming part of the MCU
"Wait, what do you mean The Meatworm Creature Universe!?!?!" He was then Meatwormed and Creatured, by The Meatworm and ...The Creature respectively.
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 6 days ago
▲ 362 r/badtwosentencehorrors
"I would like four porns please" I said to my trusted primary care pornographer, Dr. Von Weinergrippen
But this took place in a dystopian future where the only porns are full sensory VR simulations of Harvey Weinstein's side boob but having been born into this world I think this is normal and I was really looking forward to watching it whilst flurping my strumbo which is what we call jorking in the future because world building
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 7 days ago
"Its alive!" cried Dr. Frankenstein
"Ew, spiders are so creepy and unnatural, kill it Igor and then bring me another bucket of corpse bits!"
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 7 days ago
I bought a moisture wicking shirt to wear when I'm working out at the workingout place where I workout with my muscles bro
But it was actually a John Wicking shirt and it shot me 2731 times so I didn't get my reps in bro
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 7 days ago
"I hope Buffy the Vampire Slayer will save me from these evil vampires!" I said, hoping Buffy the Vampire Slayer will save me from the evil vampires
But it was actually Patrick Duffy the Vampire Slayer that showed up and it turns out it was all a dream, except for the evil vampires, which were real and they ate me
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 8 days ago
Everyone is afraid of the Hanta virus but they all seem to be ignoring the scariest part of the story
There are people that actually choose to go on a cruise ship for their vacation, voluntarily! 😱
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 9 days ago
"Yo, wassup my ninjas!" I said to the said to the group of guys in the inner city
But they stabbed me 75 times each and then disappeared in a puff of smoke because I had revealed their secret ninja identities
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 9 days ago
"We're sorry that you were wrongly imprisoned for 20 years, you just need to sign these papers and you are a free man" said the warden handing me my release papers
Paper cut
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 10 days ago
"Bill, you just stole my wallet!" I said to Bill as he was stealing my wallet
"Nuh uh, it was immigrants" said Bill Ionaire as he put my wallet in his pocket
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 11 days ago
I was shocked when my homie texted me to come over for cockporn movie night
He meant popcorn :(
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 11 days ago
AITAH?
I am a ring of muscle at the end of the digestive tract that regulates the evacuation of faecal matter from the rectum, AITAH?
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 11 days ago
"Don't go towards the light!" I heard my loved ones cry, but the voices were muted and distant, growing ever fainter as I felt myself drawn up, towards a place of peace and safety, closer and closer I flew, basking in that heavenly illumination
"Zzzaappp" said the bug zapper
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 12 days ago
"When hell is full, the dead shall walk the earth!" Said the big scary demon guy
"Um, I'm not much of a walker, could we not organise a bus or some golf carts or something?" Replied ZombieFrank
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 13 days ago
"For generations humans have subjugated our kind, murdered us in our millions to satisfy your gluttony!"
"Bring forth your vegans that they may answer for their crimes" said Saladicus, the sentient lettuce and leader of the salad uprising that had just overthrown humanity
u/ZombieFrankReynolds — 13 days ago