Do you relate to this feeling
Hello, I wanted to ask if someone can relate with what I feel. I got diagnosed with schizoid disorder about 6 months ago but obviously I'm schizoid since childhood.
Anyway I had incredible luck (or not so much luck for the other person) with getting into a far distant relationship. After 3 years we broke up because of probably reasons you all know.. no plans for the future, not wanting to move in together, showing no signs of joy or enthusiasm and not able to take responsibility etc.
Now I was wondering..in every romantic relationship I've been in (not that many mind you) I had a special feeling. It's hard to describe..it's like psychological pain because I'm not alone. Not like alone as in single but alone alone. Do you guys know that? It didn't matter if the partner was in another room and was doing something for a few hours so I could have time "alone". The feeling of someone near me at all was/is the problem. I didn't count the "alone time" from the start the partner was in the other room, to me the alone time ended when the partner and I got together and it started again when the partner was gone..like "at her apartment"-gone or when I was at home again. Everything between, I felt as "social time" in which this pain feeling occured...but subtle -like something is bothering you but you don't know what...but it gets stronger the longer you have that social time. If that feeling got too strong I cried for a few minutes. When my partner saw this I tried to explain that feeling and why I cried..that was awkward but I had a tolerant partner with lots of experience with neurodivergent people so I guess she accepted it.
I even invented a rule with a partner once where I told her I can't take more than 3 nights/days seeing each other in one period. I tried to be somewhat of a good partner because the pain feeling was there from day/night one, not just after the third. But at that time I'd rather hurt myself than I would hurt that person.
Now regarding my last relationship..I don't even know why I had a profile on a single site in the first place back then. I remember when we got to know each other that I told her I'm feeling lonely. But in the relationship I never had a feeling like that, that she could satisfy. I barely told her I miss her, because i really didn't miss her.. but I think I loved her. I don't really know what love is, I asked someone once and the person told me it's when you are used to a person after the "being in love phase". Well I was used to her and didn't plan to cut the contact. We had contact everyday over texts or phone talk for 3 years (except when we saw each other of course). I was thinking to myself maybe that's why I didn't miss her (or any of my partners). Don't get me wrong there were nice moments especially at the beginning when hormones allowed me to feel more. I was thinking about the schizoid dilemma lately and how I told her that I was lonely. I fear that I might feel lonely again someday and it will end up the same..with that specific pain that occures if someone wants more of me (or my presence) than I can provide. It's a bit crazy to me that I don't remember the phases where I was lonely at all, they feel like a different reality, a different me, compared to what I was and felt in a relationship where I assumely loved someone.
Well anyway can you relate to that feeling I'm talking about? That specific psychological pain when you have to spend time with a person? And not just spending time with the person but being around a person.