Should he have known not to?
I'm going to start with a clear warning that this post will discuss difficult themes and events.
I experienced grooming (incl SA, r**e, exploitation), followed by a period of stalking and threats. This ended with the Covid-19 lockdown, and by September of 2020, I moved cities for university.
I met a new friend (C), who quickly became my closest and most trusted person. I trusted him and shared with him that I was / am asexual (sex repulsed) and that I have cPTSD from the above. He was aware that mentions of SA/ sex/ anatomy were off-limits and triggering, but unfortunately, over the years, I have had to remind him many times. More recently, it has been every interaction where a boundary has had to be restated and reminded; however, he blames his ADHD for this.
Recently, I found out that a newer friend of C's had cut him off, as he had acted "creepy and predatory" toward him. It has made me reflect on the experiences I have had with my friend.
When we first met, he would stay over in my uni accommodation and, I believed platonically, often cuddle me to sleep after smoking weed or drinking.
There was a night when he told me his body was reacting to me and that if I felt a lump, it was his erection. I could feel it on my back, and he didn't move away or cover himself. I felt frozen and couldn't move or speak, and I was stuck in that state for most of the night.
I ended up distancing myself from him for a couple of weeks, at the end of which he had asked me what was going on. I explained how uncomfortable I felt with what had happened. He was visibly upset by this and apologised, and I put it down to being a mistake while he was comboed on weed and alcohol.
He ended up moving away for a year abroad, and on my first visit to him, we started drinking. I was drinking rum straight from the bottle, and I have never been one to drink heavily.
While we were out, he started telling me about how it was obvious that there had always been sexual tension between us. Being ace, this confused and surprised me.
He kissed me a number of times while we were out.
I don't remember how it started, but once we were back at his, we got in bed - I assumed to go to sleep. He started educating me on how the penis worked, I assume because I am a trans man and dont have one.
He said that it would be easier to show me and he exposed himself. I was shocked, but still believed he was trying to teach me something?
He told me to touch it, and I felt like I had to. I don't think it was anything he said that made me feel that way, though. I'd spent so long fawning and 'going along with it' in my past that it felt automatic and inherent. I was scared that if I didn't, he'd become upset and angry with me and hurt me - even though it wasn't the person that did groom me.
It escalated, he touched me, and at one point, he asked if it was okay. I said it was, and it continued.
I was the most drunk I think I'd ever been, and I felt scared and disgusting for doing those things and going along with it. I woke up mortified the next day in his boxers.
Until recently I just considered this as something I regretted doing while drunk, but now I'm wondering if this isn't quite the full picture. The perpetrator of the abuse would constantly tell me that I "couldn't call it r**e just because I regret it."
It has also made me reflect on the friendship more generally. I constantly have to remind him of the few boundaries that I do have, and these are constantly crossed. He has told people before I even met them that I have PTSD from sexual abuse, that I'm trans* and ace, and not to talk about certain topics as a result. I've asked him many times not to share this information, as it's incredibly personal. I found out recently from two (more recently) close friends, that he had told them both all of this individually - and this is years after first asking him not to.
Prior to becoming close with my other friends, I think he genuinely was the only person I was close to and would have considered a close friend. I excused the boundary crossing as he did, with his ADHD, thinking he couldn't help it. I thought that the constant upset and reminders were part of the rupture and repair of a friendship. However, my friendship with my other friends is very different. I've only ever had to state a boundary once, and they've been incredibly respectful and supportive.
These friends, and my therapist, have used the word assault to describe my experiences with C. I am finding this difficult to understand, as I did technically say it was okay - and I don't know if I should expect him to have considered the fact that I'm asexual and have trauma from CSA.
I know he's crossed boundaries, but I'm scared to call or consider that this could be more than that.