u/_rainbowdolphin_

I never had a big wish for a child. For many years, it was even clear I didn't want children at all. It changed with my husband, who always had a strong wish to have a child. I looked at my rejection of that idea and opened up to it. Short version: shitty childhood and ongoing trouble in family made me afraid of having a family myself.

The first 4 months were emotionally horrific. Though I got off the hook with some of the classic symptoms like nausea, it was emotionally a deep dark pit, stressful and fearful.

It just got better towards the end of month 4. I had a few nice weeks, like 3 weeks or so, when the ultrasound revealed that our baby is growing rather slow. In the beginning that just meant "checkup soon again", but of course we were afraid. Every time I felt like I could handle the current situation a bit better something happened that caused more insecurity, more fears - more checkups, having to go to the hospital for checkups instead of my regular doc (which I really didn't want), decreasing results on how well the baby is nourrished, hopes being smashed (like going to the birth house)...

By now (week 33) I have to go twice per week and check, and every single time I don't know if I can come home again or if I have to stay at the hospital and they'd have to get her. We hoped to have a little relaxed time before birth, after an otherwise challenging time (we moved recently), but relaxation seems so far away and we can't even plan a weekend in some beautiful spot to get our thoughts off all this.

Additionally, a natural birth will not be possible. And the c section scares the shit out of me, reminding me too much of the abuse I've experienced as a child.

This whole pregnancy has been a huge emotional burden and now seems to end in what is my personal worst case for giving birth.

And I'm afraid this might affect my relationship to our child. I occasionally have the thought "why did I say yes to this". I don't want this type of thinking. I don't want to feel distance to our child, or even "blame" her, she's the last person who deserves that. But there is simply noone to be blamed and I think all the anger, frustration and tension that built up because the whole pregnancy has been and is still so difficult and so full of fears are trying to get out. Only, where should they go, if you can't blame anyone?

Hi all,

I'm on the dry a.t.m. because of pregnancy. I'd like to do some dry EQ training though. I know I have a tendency to swallow air, so first question: can anyone recommend a good video tutorial on glottis control? I'd really like to get that issue fixed.

Second question. I find that when I frenzel repeatedly on land, at some point my ears start hurting. My whole body is rather sensible to pain and "overdoing" things for a genetic cause so I'm not sure that is simply a question of technique; also I had several instructors check my frenzel technique and they all said it looks good. I still want to ask if anyone has an idea what else could behind that, and if I should simply do as many repetitions as possible without pain?

Hey all,

I hope to find some kind of support, maybe even relief, in answers from women who've been there.

The medical situation in my pregnancy is not nice. It seems like my child is not getting enough nutritions to grow properly, she's very small according to ultrasound results. Some other things they measure point towards having to get her before time, so maybe even a stay on neonatology will be necessary (week 32 currently). We might also make it to week 35 or even 37, it's simply not clear at this point. I have to go and check twice per week, every time they decide again how to continue. Luckily, at this point she has very good chances, they say it's clear she will make it and they don't expect much trouble for her development after birth.

But a few days ago they opened the worst possible news to me, that she might not get through a vaginal birth so a cesarian would be the only way. They say, it's a 90% chance we'll have no other choice than to do it that way.

There are two reasons why this is really hard for me.

First, I have a history of childhood abuse. The thought of an operation in which I can not move, not run, not do anything and people are violently intruding *this* area of my body caused a panic attack when they told me those news. It also caused two days of crying every single time I even got close to the topic in my thoughts, which was basically all day. It still scares the shit out of me. I still could cry every time I think about it. It's too close to the experiences of abuse. I don't think I'd have that kind of problem with any other operation, but in this case, my whole body screams no.

I am in therapy. I've done a lot of trauma work before. Heck, I'm a trauma therapist myself by now, I know so many tools that can help. But it could start next week. There's simply not enough time to really work this through, especially not with the constant threat of everything happening within the next days.

Second, I was actually looking forward to the experience of giving birth. I had lots of trouble connecting with my female side during a long part of my life and I feel like this is one of the most powerful aspects of being a woman. As I'm active there, it doesn't scare me, at least by far not like the operation does. But now that opportunity is taken from me. And as this will be our only child, there will be no further chance to experience this. I will not be allowed to give birth. It's just gone. That hurts really, really bad.

I understand all of the medical reasons. I don't blame anyone, as there is noone to be blamed. The medical team is trying to support me where they can. It's simply a fucked up situation, that's what it is. But I will have to deal with it somehow and I can't find a way that works. I hope to hear some voices of women here who've been through this, hear how you cope(d) with your versions of (psychological) trouble with the c-section.

Hi all,

I'm not quite sure how to explain my question best. I'm completely new to video editing, never done that before, but I do have at least some experience with Photoshop and Gimp.

I'm a natural synesthetic, which means in my case that every sound I hear creates a colored shape in my inner eye. That makes especially certain pieces of music an incredible joy to listen to, because I've got a beautiful, abstract music video running every time. For a long time I've wanted to create an actual video so I could show to others what I'm seeing all the time.

To do that, I'd need a program (or combination of programs, if necessary) that would allow me to create elements from scratch and work in layers that could be animated separately (as in music there are some sounds that last longer than others).

What I don't need is "making it look real", as those elements are completely abstract. They do not resemble anything I've ever seen in the physical world, except maybe sometimes a painted sunset ;)

As this is a pure hobby project and I don't know how much time I'll be able to invest, I'd prefer open source software. I don't want to spend a lot of money before knowing how long I'll stick with the project. Depending on the price, I'd also be wiling to pay once, or, say, get to know a free but limited version and then pay for the full version when I know it's a good tool for me. I just don't want to pay monthly, that sucks.

Any ideas, suggestions, ... which program(s) to look at?