u/_yumaa

I have a trip coming up in 2 weeks and ive been eating 5k calories every day for a week. It put me in around 20-21k surplus and I cant deal with that fact. I was barely feeling okay with the way I looked in a swimsuit before this, and now I feel like I sabotaged myself again.. This somehow happens every year, before any important event where I have to show more skin/wear tighter clothes. I know its not uncommon but rn Im just looking for a small pat on the back or something, I dont even know

this isnt even funny. i cant bear the burden of gaining weight and having to show myself to people every day. if im gonna feel ass the whole day, EVERY DAY, let it at least be less humiliating.

The only reason i havent gotten into anything is the fact that i dont know where to get the stuff. i check every box when it comes to comparing my actions to that of an addict.

These past 2 weeks have actually been so bad. I couldnt break out of the cycle. I think i ate my roomates gift bag (4k kcal of candy) 10 times and rebought it. Im sick, like actually. Last night I woke up at 4am with a stomach bug. I got up to throw up like 5 times since then. Im not sure if it was from my roomates expired chocolate or from undercooked eggs I couldnt wait for.

It was literally anything i could get my hands on.

Im convinced that the amount of sugar i consumed could kill someone. Im actually starting to get scared for myself.