u/a-round-table

I apologize all the time but I almost never heard my parents apologize. In addition to that I always had to listen to anything they say, but they rarely ever listen to me.

At this point it's not about apologizing or anything. It's about them sending a clear signal about what they did is wrong. So that I know *it is* wrong.

Honestly, lack of clear communication is one of the most awful thing in my family.

I struggled writing this post because of my lack of communication skill.

Yeah, as the title says.

Few years ago, very long story short, I noticed my mental health got exponentially worse. Must have been the combination of anxiety and depression getting worse at that time, I don't understand it fully to this day. I tried online therapy and it didn't work. It affected me awfully and eventually my parent saw me literally having mental breakdowns. After the second breakdown, my parent promised that they would take me to a psychiatrist or psychologists the next day.

And she did found a psychiatrist. I was given some antidepressant.

I thought things were going well. I thought I was in a safe space and given time and space for me to truly heal. Spoiler alert: sadly, I was wrong

Then one day she suddenly talked to me in an angry tone, "OP! When are you going to heal? What is your plan of your future!???"

This was so awful. I don't know how to describe it. It feels like getting stabbed in the back? I don't know but it was definitely awful.

I thought I had a safe space to heal and I have the time I need to heal.

**Suddenly healing becomes a task that comes with a fucking deadline. ** What the fuck is this?

You said it yourself that family helps eachother, yet this is how you help me? I wouldn't do this to a stranger!

OF COURSE healing takes time. Especially when I got neglected my whole life--my needs were ignored, my problems was belittled, my words were not being heard.

Oh, it doesn't end there. At the last appointment with my psychiatrist, guess what? My parent forced me to fucking lie about how I'm doing to my psychiatrist.

My parent told me that if I was asked about my mental wellbeing, answer it with something like "I'm doing better, doc"

---

Honestly sometimes I blame myself for trusting my parent at all. Ah, so pathetic, why would a 20-ish year old man ask a help to his parent? Why did I trust anyone in the first place? I should have kept this myself. Those are the thoughts that sometimes repeats in my head.

So yeah, since this awful event I become extremely reclusive and, sadly became a NEET. I cannot trust people anymore. I was already at a very bad place before this, but this made me goes even further downward.

I was retraumatized.

and this is still the very small part of the abuse I endured.

earlier in this post i said that my parent talked in angry tone. oh yeah they say it in an angry tone, but they also say that "they aren't angry", they're just "trying to be helpful" or trying to "educate myself". This is the kind of contradiction and double bind I had to fucking endure my entire fucking life.

i deserved better

This statement is not only offensive and condescending to me, it also do not make sense. Wisdom I gained are from the past, isn't that the point? Why would I want to forget that?

The fuck should I do? Lobotomize myself?? /s