Does anyone else latch onto words you’ve just heard in conversation or on telly and spell them out in the air (beside your body not way out there) repeatedly with your finger in cursive? Or is it just me 😂
Hi all, I’ve been reading this amazing subreddit for a few weeks now since my therapist told me she thinks I am AuDHD (not diagnosed yet but lots of neurodivergence in my immediate and extended family). I am looking at the diagnostic pathway but wanted to ask for some advice to see if the way I understand my experience is something that resonates with you?
As a kid, I was shy but had good 1:1 friendships. I was always a high achiever at school and got on well with teachers and other adults. I never had meltdowns and was always very calm but I did sleep a lot and carry myself off to bed or hide under tables at parties if I needed some quiet time. I started full time work as a web content manager and then a low level project manager and always achieved in my roles - I excelled at reading people and situations and becoming the mediator and the capable/intelligent colleague. I have always been super forgetful and disorganised but I put habits and systems in place as a teenager / in my 20s that really helped and I have a reputation for being super organised, always on time and very capable. I work really hard to maintain this.
I’m now 38, still work in project management and took on the biggest job I’ve ever had in a very large corporate environment for the first time. It was...hard. High expectations and lots of context switching. I received all good feedback but felt like I wasn’t fast enough or contributing enough and my brain felt sluggish and like I’d lost the speed that had benefitted me for years before this. I’d always managed to make myself indispensable in every job I’ve ever had within a few months but this felt like going back to school. My anxiety rose and my brain became convinced that I would fail (and hence lose my visa and have to leave the country I now live in with my partner). I reached out to a therapist for help and verbal diarrhoea’d my whole story to her and she suggested i might be ND. Since finding this out, I’ve put some systems in place to help and am trying to be kinder / more realistic with myself and this has helped a lot
The thing I can’t reconcile is that my brain always felt so fast and capable and like all the people-reading and adapting to make sure everything always went well was natural and automatic. It’s only when my anxiety peaked and I felt like everything shut down that I realised how much thinking had gone into maintaining this organised and capable persona and how much energy it took. But it didn’t feel like that was the case until it all stopped working. It felt effortless until it didn’t. Am I making any sense?
The thing is that I still really need to be that really capable and organised person because my job/visa requires it and also because it has become a core part of my self image and what’s important to me. I know it needs to be sustainable but I don’t want to unmask so much that I’m no longer this friendly, easy going, well respected person. The steps I feel like taking are just to seek a bit more balance and quiet time when I need it. I’m hoping that’s enough