u/a_Warrior_of_life13

So he and i texted a bit in the last few days. I keep apologizing for everything because I genuinely feel bad about it. He does keep saying that I have nothing to be sorry about and that he doesn’t regret anything, but i still feel guilty. I have borderline personality disorder so I am already very impulsive. That combined with being drunk often leads to these types of situations. I also did some damage control and contacted the guy who filmed us, which went very well. He said that he knows that it wasn’t cool of him and that he deleted everything. He even said that he respects me for being so open about my sexuality. I am used to homophobia but I don’t want to drag anyone else into it so I’m glad that didn’t escalate.
I don’t know what will happen next, but I’m trying not to obsess over what could happen. For now everyone has settle on just two drunk friends having fun.

I graduated this year and last night was the after party. Everyone was drunk and having fun. I’ve known this guy for a couple of years now and I’ve suspected for a long time that he was bi. We pretty much spent the night arms around each other and I would weave my fingers through his hair and he would lean into it. At some point I gave him a kiss on his cheek. Well later on I straight out asked him if he was bisexual and he said yes. Apparently I was the first person he told. I just kissed him and it escalated to full on making out with me straddling him. Until a friend stopped us I gave him hickeys and I definitely went a bit crazy. It’s been a pretty long time since I did anything like that with someone and I definitely missed it. Apparently I was his first as well and I feel a bit guilty for taking it to far. There were a bunch of homophobic comments and a friend told me that someone filmed us, the guy who did it was yelling at and deleted it tho. I suppose it’s part of growing up and being young, but I still feel a bit guilty for jumping into it like that. We texted each other after getting home and he said he doesn’t regret it and that he wouldn’t mind a repeat. He told me again today when he was sober but I still feel like I made a mistake. I really don’t want a relationship right now because I am already stressed and can’t handle it. I really hope i didn’t give him the wrong idea.

like it’s so dry here. german gays please tell me you exist somewhere out there

so a week ago I met this guy on here and we exchanged numbers. we were like texting all the time and being really flirty. he wanted to move really fast and told me he loved me like a day after we met. obviously i was kinda uncomfortable but i ignored it cause he was really nice and I liked him. i told him that I needed time because i have a lot of stuff going on and starting a relationship during my final exams sounded way to risky. but i still really liked him and felt comfortable talking to him. i’ve had really bad experience with men and got abused a lot. he promised he’d never hurt me and my dumb ass believed him. well it kept moving fast and sometimes we’d have s*x over text. a nother problem was that he lives on a completely different continent but he kept on talking abut a future together. like i showed him parts of me that i don’t show anyone else and he kept being really understanding and saying he loved me. i never said it back cause i was kinda scared. well and like all of the sudden he texted that he has a boyfriend that he’s only known for a day like wtf. he just kept playing mind games with me. telling me it was just a test then telling me he loved me then telling me he lost feelings for me and then telling that it was not a test and that he actually has a boyfriend. i just snapped. like I’m just so sick and tired of men treating me as their toy. he kept blaming everything on me and kept bushing me to ask him out. like you have a boyfriend dude. well I blocked him obviously. but the really messed up thing is that i was genuinely falling in love.

so to my defense I know he’s 53 or something. but like come on. he’s like wildly attractive and also like good at everything. when he played in the greatest showman I was like, uuuhhhh he can sing to. but every time I tell someone this they think I’m crazy. please tell me if he’s hot or if I am going insane.

like on one side they remind me that I have survived this far somehow. but on the other, they are all that people see when they look at me. they only see me as the depressed boy and don’t care that there might be more behind that. i hate when people want to touch my arms just for the sake of it because they are interested in how it feels. it makes me so uncomfortable. i don’t want my addiction to decide my life. does anyone get what i mean?

when I cut i’m completely gone. like there is nothing else happening. I go deeper and deeper and do more and more. but sometimes there is this voice in the back of my head yelling at me. it says I have to stop before I repeat the mistake of not doing so. overdoing it and being found bleeding out on the floor. again. i started to listen to that voice. sometimes i even throw my blade across the room to stop myself. but he afterwards is always the same. the words “what the hell have I done”