How can I feel better and why am I like this?
I'd like to understand what my problem is and what I should do about it. I call it a problem because I would really like to have a wife and children, and I feel like AGP is hindering me.
Probably since I discovered masturbation, I've been aroused by the idea of wearing women's clothes, accessories (makeup, nails), and having female characteristics (long hair, breasts). What arouses me has changes over the years, but lately I've gotten the most intense feeling when thinking about having breast implants (not huge ones, perhaps just larger than usual) and medium length acrylic nails (simple designs).
I've lurked here for a bit, and unlike some others, my arousal doesn't come from thinking about being a woman, but rather from thinking about having specific characteristics of women, while still being a man. I would NEVER want to transition to female.
Rationally, there is no reason to act upon any of these thoughts. Doing things only for my own sexual arousal feels incredibly degenerate, and given the goals that I've stated above, I can't let myself fall into such a hellhole. To this end, I've stopped masturbating for a while, to hopefully reduce these awful thoughts, and it started off very easy however after a week I get extremely intense urges. Also, getting breast implants to satisfy my fantasy could be very harmful to my body, I've watched videos of breast implants causing horrible complications, and I would feel very weird having them in public because I would want them bigger and I'm quite thin, so they would be visible.
I'm 21, and I feel pressured to have a girlfriend, due to my parents, people around me and my wish to have a family. However, I don't feel a strong, constant attraction towards women. Whenever I'm talking to a girl, I know what I should say or do in theory, but my feelings aren't very strong. Maybe I haven't met "The One" yet... but I find it very hard to text a girl and when I do I'm extremely awkward, so I end up talking to girls quite rarely (beyond regular small talk). I'm not immensely aroused upon thinking of having sex with a girl, or looking at curvy girls on the street, and if I ever end up in bed with a girl, I would probably imagine my fantasies in my head while doing it with her.
I feel extremely disgusted to even type this out, so I am posting this under a burner account. This part of me is something that no one, not even my family or my closest friends know of. Is there any saving, should I seek God, should I be miserable and embrace it, will I live with this curse for the rest of my life?
I am also interested to find out what could've caused this, because I can remember that from a very early age (even before I discovered sexual arousal) I was fascinated with the idea of wearing makeup or girl's clothing, but I haven't told anyone because I was ashamed. I am certain it's something innate, or at least gained from a very early age. Is it because of genetics, my parents or my environment?