I don’t want marriage, but I’m badly deprived of safe closeness
I posted on a venting place about not wanting the usual life script expected from women, and it got downvoted. One person said they went through something similar, called me “massively narcissistic, pretentious, and pedantic,” and told me to get over myself. Some people were kind, but I deleted it quickly because I felt too exposed.
I’m trying to explain it more simply here.
I come from a strict family/background where marriage is treated as the default future for a woman. I don’t want that. I don’t want a husband, I don’t want to be “chosen,” and I don’t want my life organised around men or their expectations.
I also don’t really have male friends, partly because of culture and partly because I don’t feel safe or normal around that dynamic.
But I do have close female friendships, and lately I’m realising I’m badly deprived of safe closeness. I don’t mean I want the full relationship/marriage package. I don’t even want to publicly name what I am because I don’t feel safe doing that.
I keep thinking that I just want to lay my head on someone’s chest and feel safe. I want tenderness without being pushed into a role.
I think family abuse and boundary violations made closeness feel either unsafe, controlled, or impossible. I don’t want parental/family replacement comfort either. I just want safe human tenderness that doesn’t come with claims over me. I don’t mean a specific gender by that.
Does that make sense to anyone here?
How do you stay serious about refusing men/marriage while also admitting you’re touch-starved?