u/adriansam-sam

I’m naturally a very observant person, and I’ve never quite understood the fervour around elaborate white weddings and increasingly lavish lobola ceremonies around Zimbabwe.

I was speaking to a woman recently whose friend is in the middle of planning her lobola day. The budget for outfits, décor, food and the venue is already somewhere around $3,000.

I’m sure there are people who would consider that money well spent, and perhaps it is. But I’m not sure I could bring myself to part with that much money for what, at the end of the day, is partly a very elaborate photo opportunity.

And that’s before the white wedding.

In Zimbabwe, it is remarkably easy to spend $6,000 or more on your wedding day.. once you add the venue, food, décor, clothing, photography, drinks, transport and all the other things that somehow become “essential” once the planning begins.

And I keep coming back to one question:

Would I rather spend that money creating one spectacular day, or use it to make the first few years of our marriage considerably easier?

For $6,000, I could potentially buy my wife a decent car. We could furnish our house properly. Buy a genuinely good bed. Sort out the appliances. Put some money into an investment. Or simply keep a respectable emergency fund so that we aren’t beginning our marriage with a financial albatross around our necks.

And, apart from that, honestly, I have about ten relatives I’m genuinely close to.

The rest of us are related in the technical sense. We share blood, a surname, or some distant family history, but we’re not exactly having Sunday lunch together. 😂 Some of them I see or speak to perhaps once a year.

So sometimes I wonder why I would spend thousands of dollars trying to impress 400 or 500 people who may effectively disappear from our lives once the photographs have been taken and the last plate has been cleared.

I’m genuinely curious about something, though.

Do women actually care that much about having a big wedding, or is the deeper dream simply having a good husband, a beautiful home and a good life together?

Because I can understand wanting the dress. The photographs. The celebration. Having everyone you love in one place. Those things have emotional value, and I don’t think that should be dismissed.

What I struggle to understand is going into debt, or creating unnecessary financial strain, to produce a wedding that looks impressive for a single day, only to spend the first few years of the marriage trying to claw your way back to financial stability.

Maybe I’m being overly pragmatic. 😂

But if the choice were:

$10,000 on the wedding

or

$10,000 invested directly into the life we’re building together

…I genuinely think I’d choose the second.

And I’m especially curious to hear from married people...

If you could go back and plan your wedding again, knowing what you know now, would you spend roughly the same amount or would you divert more of that money into the life that came after the wedding?

I want to meet my wife and marry her within 12 months. Am I crazy?

I'm 35M, and I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately (probably evident from my last post). For some reason, the idea is now genuinely exciting to me.

I don't think anything dramatic changed. I just seem to have reached a point where the idea of building a life with someone feels _exciting rather than restrictive_.

I'm not currently seeing anyone. I've just decided to start putting myself out there properly.... going to more events, being more social, meeting new people and getting out of my usual routine.

Basically, I'm giving myself a real chance to meet someone.

If I meet a woman I'm genuinely compatible with, I'd like to date intentionally and, ideally, be off the shelves within 12 months. 😂

Not rush it. Not ignore red flags. Actually experience each other properly... the good, the boring, the disagreements, money, family, sex, stress and everyday life.

After the several relationships I've been in, I think I know more about myself, what I needed to work on and what I actually want around me.

*What I'm less certain about is whether 12 months is enough time to know someone well enough to marry them.*

Or is there even such a thing as knowing someone enough?

So here's what I'm really curious about:

If you're single and genuinely want marriage, would you be comfortable meeting someone and intentionally working towards marriage within 12 months?

Or would that feel like putting unnecessary pressure on something that should happen naturally?

We are going for a camping trip. So far its me 35 Male and 2 females. We would appreciate having some more company to make it more fun. Camping trip is on Wednesday and Thursday....