u/afrezza

I have been sober-curious for over a year now and have been on and off sober--usually when I feel horrible from partying way too much. Whenever I hit a certain amount of drinks (maybe even just 2), I crave blow and unfortunately it's a little too easy for me to get some in my town and age group. I find that I can't really say no to this drug anymore no matter how much I know it's going to affect me and ruin me the next day. I'll reason with myself because it's the only drug I ever take (I don't do any other drugs ever...not even weed, I hate weed!) I continue to wake up hungover with extreme hangxiety (on top of my bad OCD & PTSD which means I'm ALREADY an extremely anxious person), regretting my choices the night before, feeling horrible and thinking "I hate this so much--I want to be completely sober again. It was so nice. Why do I continue to make these choices?" And then I just find myself in the same boat again once the feeling of shame & anxiety has worn off, I'll go to use again...and then the cycle continues on and on. It is seriously so frustrating and can also feel debilitating at times. I don't go out every night or anything, but I feel like I can't even handle it and keep it chill even on the nights that I do go out. This all started when my mom passed 1.5 year ago. Alcohol & blow didn't have as much of a hold on me until I used it heavily for a couple months right after this event, and then I laid off everything (even cigarettes!) for quite some time. And it was AWESOME...I felt awesome. I felt in love with myself again...doing all of the things that I cared about (working out, cooking, cleaning, sewing, reading, getting enough sleep, etc.) Then I came back to alcohol, my "chill" nights with only 1 drink would eventually turn into crazy nights on the weekends again after a few weeks or months (awake & partying until 7-10am on a weekend). It's like my mom dying totally broke my otherwise ok relationship with alcohol & substances. I really, REALLY want to get it right this time. I think it's important to admit that even though my life isn't falling apart or even anything remotely similar from use, I'm still at a very uncomfortable threshold and that's can be enough for me. I want to re-start my 100% sober journey today. I keep thinking to myself: "The juice just isn't worth the squeeze anymore." I'm so desperate to get this going and hold myself accountable that I came here and posted my thoughts (I'm currently very hungover). Any thoughts, advice, words of support, sober tracking app recommendations are welcome.