u/africanking223

I am having certain memories that are coming back to me this morning, not sure what is triggering it, but I am recording it here to avoid 1) forgetting it, as I have been having extreme memory issues lately, where it has been transitioning from forgetting about key details of my past to forgetting about things I have done this week, and 2) to potentially gain some help from this community about what I have been experiencing, and if others are experiencing/have experienced something similar.

Apologies if this reads as disorganized, as it is reflecting the disorganized nature of the thoughts I am experiencing & I want to hurry to get them down before I forget. I'll try my best to break it down into sections & paragraphs w/ a tl;dr at the end if you want to skip all this stuff.

Getting stared at

For starters, I am 26 & live alone, in the midwest since 2018 where I started college. Originally from the west coast. Don't have any friends currently & don't plan on making any tbh, but I have had a revolving door of many in the past, as I was growing up.

I would characterize my relationship with them as definitely friendly, but one thing that would stand out is the amount of staring they would engage in; I am not talking about quick glances either, but rather me catching them staring at my face for extended periods of time, and like every friend as well, that I can remember. I would feel them staring, then turn to look at them & they would quickly look away.

There was a point where, I think during college, this would go from these friends staring & quickly looking away, to straight up staring & locking eye contact until I would look away. I'm a pretty non-confrontational person, and from what I remember I don't think I ever called it out, but what I do remember is progressively feeling more uncomfortable, and at times even scared, by it as time went on. A few of these college ones really stick out:

1. This one ended in a way where she stopped talking to me for straight up a year, then she randomly texted me one day wanting to talk. This was shortly after college, and I kind of assumed that she maybe didn't want to talk due to making new friends or moving, but I do remember reaching out a handful of times to ask what was wrong & never getting a response back. We met outside the cafe, where she approached me very coldly with just a "Hi", again locking eyes with me, before we turned and went inside. Went we sat down at a table, we proceeded to order, all the while she is staring at me again & only breaks eye contact for her to order something herself.

She then proceeds to explain she was going through a lot throughout the past year (tbh I don't remember much of the details, but I think she mentioned she was dealing with a variety of family issues), but what I do remember from this conversation was that she was actually shaking while she was talking to me & locking eyes with me. What I also remember is that there was no tears, just kind of a very blank expression that made me feel pretty scared, like she was possessed or something.

Food arrived, and between bites I just had to look away/down to break eye contact, but when I looked back up she would immediately lock eyes and stare again and start shaking again. It got to be extremely uncomfortable & to the point where I had to excuse myself to leave, coming up with some excuse. She proceeded to never contact me again, I would try to text & she would never respond until I just gave up trying.

2. Another was from freshman year, where there was this student who would visit my floor every now & again to talk to a next door neighbor. Whats weird is that literally every time I left my dorm room she would be walking in the hallway (when I went to bathroom, when I went to class, when I went to library, etc.) and, when I walked past her, I would always feel her staring at me. Again, like the others in college, I would at times lock eyes, she would stare back until we nearly pass each other, and I would always be the first to look away.

This student I actually saw recently, at some alum event, and it was the same staring thing again (and, is what actually prompted me to write this). From across the room. It got to be extremely uncomfortable to where I had to leave early.

3. I visit a TA in a computer lab, in freshman year, and we are working through some programming problems - again, I would get the sneaking feeling that someone was staring at me, and it just got to the point where it was distracting me during this TA session. I look to my left and, a few chairs away, this student (who I think looked like an upperclassmen) actually was staring at me & locked eyes with me as well. I got freaked out & quickly looked away. I tell the TA I want to cancel the session because I have another meeting to get to, and book it out of the library.

Specifically after this computer lab occurrence, I would start studying in these private rooms the college had in the library. But, these private rooms had tiny windows by the door, and I would always get this suspicion that someone was staring again through it. At times (not all the time) I would look up and see a student peering at me through this little window. Each time I looked up to this window, I would get so nervous to the point I would feel like vomiting, like I would get this feeling in my stomach lining that would immediately start burning. I eventually just stopped studying at the library all together, opting for my dorm room when I could.

I could explain more of these occurrences from college & post-college, and there are many. In the interest of being brief, I will keep them out of this description.

Butterflies

I have odd memories of seeing butterflies, and I mean all the time. In college I would see them outside of my window, inside of the dorm itself (once or twice), and even now, many miles away from the college I used to attend, keep seeing them outside of my apartment. Hot, cold, rain, or shine, I always see at least one. This, at least, always felt less scary than the staring incidents, but nevertheless, very weird.

There was this one incident, I am just now remembering, where a coworker that was hired by our job & had this massive butterfly tattoo on their upper chest or neck. For some reason, I would constantly catch this coworker staring at me during lunch. Besides the tattoo, I remember them being like really loud, to where you could hear them from across the office. I think they eventually left the company a year or two later, and I never saw them again after that.

Crows

I both see & hear crows cawing constantly, in the past & presently. In college it was the worst, I would hear them outside of my window, outside of the library, outside of class. They were never peaceful as well, whenever I observe them - they would constantly be bullying other animals, other birds, loudly cawing all the while. They would never bully me, thank god, but they do fly & land very close to where I walk at times, sometimes right in front of me on the sidewalk. At present, they would just fly around my apartment and never land, but I again (like the butterflies) always see at least one.

Weird high school math society visit

I don't know why I remember this, but I remember sitting in physics class in high school one day, when a coach for one of our clubs, some math society, just walks into the middle of class and says he is looking for a student to join the club for a visit to New York, for a math competition. On its face, this isn't super weird, but what I distinctly remember is that this coach stared straight at me before he even finished his announcement. Like, as soon as he walked into the classroom. When he finished this announcement, he was still staring at me, which got the attention of some of the students near me as well, and so after he was done saying it, I just raised my hand.

Keep in mind, I didn't even know this man & have never met him nor seen him, at that point, in my life, but I do remember feeling uncomfortable at the thought of not raising my hand at that point. So, I joined, went to a couple of meetings after school (that were not particularly eventful, and I knew no one in them), then went on this scheduled trip to New York.

This trip & this math society was fucking weird on this trip, which took place in a hotel in (I think) Buffalo. Firstly, you were rarely, if ever, were allowed to leave any of the rooms you entered. Not just during any competition, but also during any of these math talks they had - I vaguely remember they would have adults at the back of the room that would be extremely militant about students leaving, to the point where it felt like we were temporarily taken hostage for the duration of some events. Many were very early in the morning, and half the students there looked half asleep, some actually sleeping in their chairs.

In one of these events, which took place very late at night until like 1-2 AM, students were told to come to one of the hotels large banquet rooms. I remember they were taking roll of the students present, from all the individual high schools, and they were pestering coaches of those schools to make sure all students came. Our coach was going to each of the hotel rooms we stayed and making sure we got up and went. At the back of this banquet room, I remember seeing various coaches and staffers blocking the entry way at the door, and being militant again about students leaving & I don't think I saw any left, and I remember seeing all that & feeling very scared something bad was going to happen.

Besides feeling scared, I don't remember much from this event, but at some point, in this room, I do remember students were asked to get up from their chairs, walk to the front of the banquet room & dance to some music. Groups of students were hand selected & told to do this by specific coaches, and I remember thinking it seemed like ritualistic embarrassment. The music was extremely loud, being played from some speakers, and lasted hours. I remember feeling exhausted and having a migraine, after this event was all over, and relieved when they let us leave this banquet room and go back to our individual hotel rooms.

I left the club after we landed back home & never went to any meetings after that.

Oh, another thing I remember - this society would go on to mail my parents a certificate in the mail - I have lost it by now, but I do remember it had a holographic symbol on it that I remember was strange. I think it was a pyramid or prism of some sort, and I remember the whole certificate was in cursive. It may have been written in Latin as well.

Memory issues

Lately, I feel like I have been experiencing memory issues that seem out of the ordinary. I would like to think that I used to have pretty good memory of things, both short term & long term memory, but at the same time I have this weird brain fog that takes over me every morning & is causing me to forget large portions of the week. Many times, I will say to myself that I need to do something, then a couple of minutes later I will forget what I needed to do. I want to say these memory issues started at some point in college, only because there was a certain point where I remember it actually affected by study habits & grades, but I don't remember the inflection point for this change at all.

Only other thing weird about this is that I would often wake up in the middle of the night and feel extremely delirious. When I do, my vision gets to the point where everything around me is extremely off-putting. I remember raising my hand & arm one night, looking at it, and seeing it and other things be "wavy".

Weird father incident

I think I have a pretty good relationship with my father, both growing up & presently, to where we talk on an almost daily basis. But, there was one incident I remember having with him that I cannot get out of my mind, and has been one of the few recurring memories I have had since this incident happen.

It happened at some point in college, where I was visiting them over break. My dad was pretty jolly that day, as was I, and I think we were preparing some beef for a family barbecue. I don't remember what triggered the incident, but I do remember saying something that, all of a sudden, triggered him to grab a knife from the kitchen drawer & start to chase me with it. I remember feeling extremely scared and shocked, like my life was in danger, and running up a part of our stairs, yelling at him to calm down. I think I also remember my younger siblings were also running with me & laughing/giggling. When I got to the middle of the stairs he stopped chasing & walked back to the kitchen, and I think I remember him yelling at my mom in Amharic saying something about "why she had kids", or something like that, and he went back to preparing the beef for the barbecue.

After that incident, we never talked about it to this day, and to this day I have no idea what caused him to snap like that.

Alright, that is all I can remember - I am starting to feel scared again, and I am hearing sounds in my apartment, like someone is banging something upstairs, so I am going to stop writing. I am interested in hearing if anyone has similar weird incidents, especially with the staring of individuals at them, and if there is some common thread here that I am missing.

TL;DR: Tons of weird things have been happening to me recently, up to & including short term & long term memory loss of past events, butterflies & crows appearing, weird delirium in the middle of the night, and individuals staring at me; wondering if anyone else is experiencing something similar, or if there is some thread/symbolism here that I am missing.