Trying to live in a world that prioritises family when you don't have one.
In society today so much of life is built on the idea that you have a family you can turn to. Not just for practical stuff like when you need an emergency contact, or financially, but that you have the emotional constitution to actually live your life. Even just the idea that if you are upset, you can call your mom, is such a relief whether you actually call her or not. That certainty forms a key part of your identity as a person, and your ability to connect with others. I find it so ironic then that the people who need connection the most suffer from having a disadvantaged ability to make them.
Family is supposed to be the key support network in society, to have deep bonds with, and to show up for each there no matter what. That level of dedication is acceptable, however, for friends its not and unless you find someone else who is estranged I think its quite difficult to find people who would want it to be. They have their family to do that for them, and to put that effort into an additional person on the same level would be a big task. It breaks my heart that I don't think I will ever feel the certainty that I know someone will show up for me. Its like being on a tightrope all the time. On top of that we're also supposed to act "normal" and go on with our lives, work a lot, do well in Uni, find our own place. And sometimes I just wonder how can we be expected to do that when the most fundamental bond a human being can have has been perverted and shattered. I feel deeply that this is a massive event to happen, it is world redefining, a complete reconstitution of who we are as people, and everybody just wants you to move on and act the same as you did before it happened.
I think that's because people that don't have to deal with it don't want to look at it. That perversion of something so integral frightens them, and so they ask that we act like it doesn't exist so they don't have to confront it. It's like staring at a worst case scenario, except its not just an idea, but a living breathing human being that they have to talk to and have the consequences of that estrangement demonstrated to them over and over again.
Maybe that's too pessimistic, but that's what I feel at the moment. Obviously no one can fill the role of a parent in your life, even your parents (especially if you're on this subreddit). But, its nice to think about sometimes, and then its just sad. Every so often I will feel like I'm doing well swimming and navigating through these things, and then I take a look around at other people and realise I've just been treading water.