I feel lost.
To briefly explain my background, I grew up as a non-religious believer of a higher being. Now being Christian, currently deconstructing. I've always been a believer of some sort without being nudged or forced by others. That is just how I am.
Few years ago, Jesus Christ has helped me regain the will to live again, becoming His proud follower. The fact that God directly helps us, instead of making us work for salvation in a transactional manner has won my heart and mind, or how sins are not punishable offense, but a large warning sent to us instead, made me a firm believer of Christ.
I was joyous and full of life for a while, but that died down quickly the moment I navigated in history deeper, revealing how oppressive religion became.
I felt the whole world crumble in front of me, reading how negatively Christianity has impacted other peoples throughout history, when it saved my life made my life miserable again.
Seeing how oppressive this organized religion is, how cruel it is towards many groups of people, how much bad it creates compared to good, has turned me into a walking contradiction.
^(Believing religion causes harm, because of how many tragedies Christian or other Abrahamic religion's colonization has created, whilst still believing in God like before... The nerve.)
I know I'm not an unique case, yet I feel alone. I have no answers. I don't know how to feel or what to do. I keep wondering if I'm a bad person for believing in a religion that (now I know) has done so much harm. God has helped me see good in life again and has encouraged me to open up and spread love. I want to know if there is any hope for me and others like me...
Edit: I'd like to add that I'm also afraid of other Christians being shallow or political grifters. It feels like we are not on the same team and that they are potential threats to me.