curious about your experiences pre-diagnosis
I recently began seeing a new psychiatrist who almost immediately honed in on bipolar disorder. He immediately x-ray visioned through all my regular early-session BS, and as he was prompting me to take him through the synopsis of my life, it was probably the first time a mental health professional has left me with this completely exposed sense of: "Oh. I see what this looks like."
Anyway, I'm curious about what other people's experiences are. I believe I had my first (and, to date, perhaps only) true manic episode at 19 as a sophomore in college. I remember this very distinct feeling that I was now "fixed," that the depression I had experienced in high school had lifted, I had "grown out of it," and was out of nowhere, cured. I have had several of these, I'm-fixed-now "revelations" in my life, but this was by far the most intense (and accompanied by the most concurrent insane behavior).
Looking back at the last 8 years or so, I cannot point out a single time I've ever felt, in any way, neutral. There is always some pervasive Wrongness. Just this constant discomfort, or agitation, or exasperation, that varies in intensity and direction. Sometimes it feels blunted, like depression, where everything is just so overwhelming and way too much and I withdraw, or neglect, or avoid. This has, historically, ruined several of my relationships with other people. Other times, I'm just incessantly annoyed, like there is a constant static in the backdrop where everything is unbearable and excruciating all of the time. I find myself picking fights with people just because I feel Bad, and then trying to retroactively invent reasons why.
It feels like my life has been one long series of external disappointment in the form of "you should be" and "why haven't you" and "can't you just." I've always thought that if I could just get my shit together, it would be better, but now I'm wondering if I might finally get some closure on why everything has felt so fucking hard my whole life.