How do you know when enough is enough?
I’ve posted in the past. I’ve been going back and forth with 7 since last year. Got clean for the first time last summer and I wish every single fucking day it stayed that way. Living this way is no way to live. I’ve relapsed a bunch of times, but I’ve steadily been using since the beginning of this year…exactly what I didn’t wanna do. I’ve tried so many times over the last few months but I cannot get myself out of my own head. Selfishly, I was banking on them being off the shelves by now so the choice was taken from me like a child but it’s not. It’s hour six or seven and the anxiety is always the first thing to pop up and not regular anxiety it’s indescribable anxiety where it feels like life or death if you don’t get 7oh…what the hell is in this stuff to make it as addicting as it is? I’m at the end of my rope. I tried S R twice and managed to screw those attempts up. I have had subs here for months and months but in the back of my mind I’m not ready. We are never really ready are we? How did you guys get past this hump? It’s insane bc I’ve done it many times but this time is different and I don’t know why. I feel mentally messed up from this stuff. Very depressed, very discouraged. I have a family, I have kids, why can’t I put them above this? What makes this harder is no one knows I relapsed. Doing this alone I know isn’t a good idea but I am TERRIFIED to tell my spouse or my family. The amount of lies will unravel with borrowing money for this or that meanwhile it’s always for god damn 7oh. I’m rambling, I just need some encouragement. I don’t know how to get myself to last long enough to induce subs. I’m scared to give S R another shot. What do you guys think? This community has always been so helpful and solid. I’d be lost without it!