u/andyrew620

I (22M) posted a rough version of this story a few hours earlier, but keep realizing that I have been leaving out key details of the tale that I think would contextualize this story with what was on my mind. This is a truly complex situation that I want to spill out, sorry for the length.

I am from an East Asian Country. I was friends with this man (22M). The friendship started from elementary school, and as we grew into highschool, we became part of this friend group with friends who came into our lives later on. Now, my highschool years were tumultuous, home life was quite difficult for me, and compounded with academic pressure, it made me depressed. It was through friendships like this that I made it through, so I was grateful for it.

Over the years, we went abroad for universities. The friendship lasted through those years. For that I thought we were really close, and the friendship was absolutely special for me.

However, the friendship also became, over the years, troubling for me. Being western educated did not make this man more socially conscious, and he would frequently do things that grinds on my gears. For example: using the n-slur consistently and in group chats, homophobia, xenophobia, all that alt-right narly stuff. Morally, I believe I should have ended this friendship in my university years, but alas, I did not, because: 1. as I explained, close friendship, thought it was special 2. I know I sound like an insane person, but this is extremely common amongst East Asians: if one is to cut off friends for this back home is to have no friends at all. It almost certainly, however, placed a strain on our friendship, because I cannot abide by his opinions and his 'sense of humor' (foreshadowing here), and they gradually chipped away my opinion of him as a person.

One year before this, I met his girlfriend (22F). We were introduced to each other through him, and we became fast friends. Also went on a trip as a trio a month ago. All was going well, until yesterday. This is where the issue arrived.

We finally graduated this year. I was planning to meet with friends once I get back home from the foreign country I was studying at. I texted her to offer to hang out as a trio once more, and she agreed.

Yesterday, the friend group was having a meetup at a restaurant. I brought the subject up to him as I forgot to tell her that his gf and I are planning for a trio meetup. Now, as I have explained before, he's got weird sense of humor that are often problematic and offensive, so when he stared at me and said: "Why?" I thought he was messing with me. I probably should have gotten the clue, but again, he's a man of a sense of humor alien to me, and I thought this was just friends messing around. I asked again, the same answer, plus a friend told me that was a bit weird of me. So this time I asked: "Why not?", this is when he said: "Because I do not let my girlfriend have any male friends. Also, you are not that important to me to merit that privilege, unlike the rest of the friend group here." I got emotional after that, feeling disrespected, asked to be excused, and stormed off.

Afterwards, enraged, I texted the gf that she could do better. I should have listed off the racism and the "I do not let her have any male friends", but instead I made reference to this incident during that trip where he dismissed her opinions on the trip, and asked her if this is the typical experience in that relationship. Why did I not list off the other things? 1. Again, being right wing is common place, I don't she would interpret that of being indicative of bad character 2. I'm pretty sure she is barring him from having female friends, too... so...

Of course, I knew exactly what I was doing. I want to drive a wedge between them, but I also, genuinely believed in what I was saying. She could do better. She engaged in a conversation with me, but blocked me shortly after, probably taking her bf's side.

Now. Some friends have called me saying that they believe that he crossed a line. But deep inside me, I think I also behaved immaturely. Also cannot stop thinking about continuing being friends with him after he's expressed so much stuff that I just cannot morally abide.

So I have two questions: On a personal level, am I the jerk for having this fight, and then trying to drive a wedge between them; on a moral level, am I a jerk for not ending this friendship earlier until this incident forced my hand? I am thinking of this right now, and would like some consultation on this matter.

TL;DR I was a friend with someone whose political value I found morally repulsive, until a fight broke out over my friendship with his gf, whom I then told could do a lot better than him.

I (22M) became friends with my friend’s (22M) girlfriend (22F) a while back. We had been introduced to each other by him, and we had a trip together as a trio a while back. I felt like I got along with her pretty well, so I offered to hangout with them (as a trio) again to her, and she did not object to it.
Today, my friend and I were having lunch with a group of friends. The conversation took a — on my part, unexpected — turn, when I brought up the hangout with the friend in question. Now, he is a pretty unserious person. Juvenile, even, depending who you ask. So when he asked why I wanted to have that hangout, I misinterpreted it as him messing with me. I brought it up 2 to 3 more times, each with similar, confusing answers with him asking me why I wanted a hangout like that, with a friend weighing in to say that it is a bit weird of me. When it came down to last time, he told me, in front of all these friends, that it cannot happen, because he would never let his gf to have male friends, and that “You are simply not that important in my life to merit such privilege”. Now, I have known him since grade school, so this naturally hurts me. So when he walked off to refill his beverages, I came up to him privately and said “Have you any idea how hurtful that was? Were you joking back there?” He said no, it was meant to be taken literally. Anger got the better of me later, and I stormed off after loudly excising myself from the table.
I then texted him, demanding an answer as to whether he meant what he said, and if not, I could let it slide only if he would apologize. He then told me “it was really inappropriate for you ask to hangout with my girlfriend, and I really meant what I said.” I blocked him immediately afterwards.
Shortly later I texted his gf, telling her that I think she could do better than that. I listed off this incident where he coldly responded to her plea for feedback during that trip, and said that he was not inclined invest emotionally into her as she does. I, unsurprisingly, got blocked by her for this, but I think I’ve gotten what I thought of him off my chest.

TL;DR: A friend got jealous of my friendship with his gf, and disrespected me in front of a friend group. I ended the friendship, and told his gf that she could do better than him.

This incident has impacted me deeply, since I thought this would be a lifelong friendship, and yet I was told, by him, that “I just wasn’t that important to him”. Am I the jerk for getting upset? Was I pissy for saying that to his gf?