I cheated on my BF while we were broken up, confessed when we got back together, and now I feel like a terrible person
I met my bf about four months ago, and honestly, we fell in love almost immediately. The chemistry between us was intense, and our seggs life was incredible. I took the relationship very seriously and genuinely believed I was building something real with him. But looking back, our foundation was never as strong as I thought it was. There were a lot of things he did that made me question how seriously he actually took me. He once had seggs with me in front of one of his friends even though I repeatedly told him I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to. Another time, his friend was literally on the other side of the bed while we were having seggs. He also introduced me to his entire friend group even though I had made it very clear that I didn’t really like them and didn’t want to be involved with them. He created a friend group with them on Snapchat anyway. I also found girls on his Snapchat whom I didn’t know about (he lied to me about this cause he always said he doesn’t add girls on SC) There were lies too. Not necessarily one huge lie that destroyed everything, but enough little lies and questionable behavior that I became suspicious of him constantly.
And then there was the blocking.
He blocked me almost three times during our relationship. Every time, we’d eventually get back together, but he never really apologized or took responsibility for how much it hurt me.
The third time he blocked me, I was completely fed up. I was angry, hurt, and honestly wanted someone to talk to. I ended up venting to one of his friends. I’ll call him Sam. Sam listened to me and gave me advice. At some point, he introduced me to another friend of his, who I’ll call Fred. Fred knew my boyfriend and had hung out with him several times, although they weren’t particularly close. Fred was kind to me at first. He listened to me and gave me advice, and eventually our conversations became flirty. The truth is, I wasn’t emotionally interested in Fred. I was attracted to him physically, but I didn’t actually know him well enough to like him as a person. One day, Fred hosted a small gathering at his house. It was supposed to be me, Sam, and Sam’s girlfriend. I arrived early, before anyone else. When I first saw Fred, he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. We drank that night, and eventually Fred and I had seggs.
I regretted it almost immediately.
I don’t do one night stands. I didn’t know this man well enough, and the whole thing felt completely out of character for me. The next day, I called Fred crying because I was overwhelmed with regret.
His response was basically, “If you had fun, that’s the good part.”
It made me feel even worse because I wasn’t looking at the situation that way at all.
About a week later, my boyfriend and I got back together. And I couldn’t keep the truth from him.
I told him everything. I didn’t leave out the fact that Fred was someone he knew. I didn’t try to make myself look better. I didn’t hide anything.
He appreciated that I was honest with him, but obviously, he’s extremely hurt. And now I’m drowning in shame. I know that I made a choice. I know that being angry, hurt, or frustrated with my boyfriend doesn’t magically make what I did okay. At the same time, I genuinely regret it. I didn’t continue seeing Fred. I wasn’t trying to replace my boyfriend. And the fact that I confessed everything as soon as we got back together makes me feel like, at least, I couldn’t live with keeping it from him.
But I still feel like a horrible person.
I don’t know whether I should be trying to repair this relationship or accept that I’ve damaged it beyond repair. And I don’t know how to separate **“I made a terrible decision”** from **“I am a terrible person.”**
So Reddit, what do you think?
Did I completely destroy any chance of having a healthy relationship with my boyfriend, or is this something two people can actually work through?