u/annnonymous199

Hear me out, you don’t treat them like an object like the manosphere/Alpha bros say you should. Women are not items to collect like a harem. They deserve more respect than that. Although there is no harm in going to the gym but you should have other reasons than to pick up the ladies. Having the ability to actually physically pick up a lady is great. But only do this with their consent or in the presence of great danger. I apologise for the confusion.

Instead you should treat women like eldritch beings that can and will tear you in half and then eat you if you have done or said anything wrong. But you must never say this to their face. Or refer to them as eldritch abominations. Do not, under any circumstances. I know some media call them that and slips of the tongue can happen. You don’t do this because you will not live to see the next dawn.

You might want to forget about your religion and apologise to your god or gods as She will be your new religion.

For gay men, and bi people, they don’t need to be treated this way, but they are flattered by such attention. Nonbiary people should be treated this way, although their pronouns can cause your tongue to melt. 

This is purely a cost saving measure as they only require a saucer of milk a day and no other pay package or benefits. They are doing this even they know gremlins have a tendency to take apart machinery whilst it is running to see how it works. They have calculated that the money they will save will far outweigh the costs of any accidents or lawsuits that might occur.

The US military is planning to also do this should Boeing be successful.

Ceiling juice is that stuff you get from leaks and is often discoloured.

Great Britain has a long standard tradition of consumimg tea. Even before the implimention of the alarm. Traditionally dandelion, burdock and herbs like lavender, thyme or rosemary were drunk before the tea plant Camellia sinensis was widespread. Some plants were also drunk medicinally when required.

The teatime alarm is at 4 on weekdays or 4:30 on weekends and bank holidays. Herbal teas can also be drank due to old traditions and for allergy or health reasons. Chilled or ice tea is acceptable and actively encouraged in high summer. But not Lipton. Lipton is rare apart from their iced tea in the UK but this is both because Lipton is considered poor quality and because the law states the tea needs to be freshly brewed or at least made within three days if it has been chilled. Chai lattes, matcha and their iced variants are also acceptable. People carry flasks of tea if they know they are going to potentially be out away from the main towns when it strikes.

The teatime alarm was first introduced in 1665 due to the surge of coffee houses and this was a way to reclaim our national heritage and reputation. It became easier to do and punish once clocks became commonplace as you were no longer forced to use the old nail in a lit candle trick. They used to make timer candles especially and a couple antique ones can be found in the National Beverage Museum in London, a short walk away from Buckingham Palace.

UK clocks have a special built in alarm function for it. Some of the more high end ones have a predecesor alarm warning you five minutes in advance.

Teatime alarm enforcers are required to have spare flasks and cups. It's usually a voluntary position and much sought after for companies with at least 10 employees in much the same way as first aid training is. They can be recognised by their arm bands.

A similar thing happened to Jack Black. He just appeared dancing and dressed in that during the music video filming of Weird Al Yankovic's "Tacky" song. Please note I'm not saying his music is tacky.

Edit: Helena Bonham Carter was not originally cast in the Enola Holmes film series. Instead she arrived on the set one day wielding explosives so the writers decided to write her in. I can't edit the title for some reason.

These are mostly about animals. Some about humans, because humans are animals. You may disagree on that but then you haven't seen my table manners.

Animal gender names

These are in a male/female format unless otherwise stated. Because men lead whilst women are always right.

Spider genders are Yaaagh/Waaagh. This is based on the sound you make when you see them.

Blue footed boobies and red footed boobies are Left/Right. It should be noted right boobies are almost always bigger.

For some reason the UK name for the same family of birds known as Chickadees in the US are called tits. This means their genders are Left and right also.

Group names

A small group of braincells is called an idiot.

A small group of crows is an attempted murder.

A group of ravens are a writing desk.

A pair tits is called a Nice Rack. I frequently see a nice rack of tits in my garden.

A group of directors is called a company, or company board.

A group of politicians is called incompetent.

A group of around thirty kids is a class. 3+ bus loads of kids is called a school trip.

A group of girls is a gaggle. This is because they share one brain and laugh lots. For the group of boys? Bold of you to assume they have enough to make up a single brain between them.

A group of virgins is called an embarrassment.

A group of politicians is either a parliament or a waste of resources.

A pair of blue footed or red footed boobies is called a chest.

A group of trees is called a forest.

A group of problems is called a calamity.

On the first day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

A partridge in a pear tree

On the second day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the third day of Christmas

My true wuve gave to me

Twree Fwrench hwens

Two twurtle dwoves

And a bra that only hold three (how wonderful)

On the fourth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Four calling birds

Three French hens

Two creme eggs

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the fifth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Five golden rings for the Elven-Kings under the sky

Four stalling birds

Three bench presses

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree (fantastic)

On the sixth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Six mixed sized eggs

Five cans if soup

Four pints of milk

Three mixed nuts

Two loaves of bread

And a bandage for my left spleen (sorry, that’s my shopping list)

On the seventh day of Christmas

My twue wuve gave to me

Seven swans a-swimming

Six geese a-laying

Five golden rings

Four Stalin birds

Three French hens

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the eighth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Eight maids a-milking

Seven chimes a-swinging

Six donkeys braying

Five golden rings

Four calling birds

Three French hens

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the ninth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Three Rings for the Elven-Kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf-Lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, One for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

On the tenth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Ten lords a-leaping

Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die

Eight moths a-silking

Seven for the Dwarf-Lords in their halls of stone

Six geese a-laying

Five golden rings

Four calling birds

Three Rings for the Elven-Kings under the sky

Two turtle doves

One for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne

In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

On the eleventh day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Eleven pipers piping

Ten scythes a-reaping

Nine ladies dancing

Eight maids a-milking

Seven swans a-swimming

Six geese a-laying

Five… Golden… Rings!!!...

Four appalling words

Three French men

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree (how lovely)

On the twelfth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Twelve drummers drumming

Eleven pipers piping

Ten frogs a-leaping

Nine ladies dancing

Eight maids a-milking

Seven swans a-swimming

Six geese a-laying

Five golden rings

Four calling birds

Three French hens

Two turtle doves

And a bra that only holds three

On the twelfth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Twelve drummers drumming

Eleven pipers piping

Ten lords a-leaping

Nine ladies dancing

Eight maids a-milking

Seven swans a-swimming

Six geese a-laying

Five golden rings

Four calling birds

Three French hens

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Twelve hummers humming

Elven pipers piping

Ten lords a-leaping

Nine ladies dancing

Eight moths a-silking

Seven swans a-swimming

Six geese a-laying

Five golden rings

Four calling birds

Three French hens

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree

On the thirteenth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Thirteen blue footed boobies

Twelve hummers humming

Eleven snipers sniping

Ten frogs a-leaping

Nine deers prancing

Eight moths a-silking

Seven hyenas laughing

Six donkeys braying

Five… Golden… Things…

Four appalling turds

Three bench presses

Two dogs barking

And a bra that only holds three

This is due to things like:

1, A change in modern morality. Christian values are often not as well developed as most people seem to think. So they have decided to go multicultural.

Second, Because of "mattress actresses" like Bonnie Blue. She has a high "bodycount".

4, Virgins aren't common anymore so they have to lower the bar.

3, They have realised there are other forms of purity.

Instead they will now accept people who return trolleys/shopping carts, those who don't yell at service workers and people who are actively trying too or have beaten addiction.

Not a floor walking sea critter like most people seem to think.

Due to the UK's recent online safety act the band 5th Dimension will be changing the song to The Age Verification of Aquarius and are in the process of rerecording it. Because apparently being older than civilisation isn't enough proof of your age. Singles and albums reflecting this change will be available late November this year.

1, The sound a posh duck makes.

2, An elementary particle that makes up the nucleus of an atom. There are six types of them: Up, Down, Bipolar, Charm, Strange, Stranger, Stranger Things, Top, and Bottom. Most atoms are comprised of a mix of up and down quarks. Bipolar quarks are ones that fluctuate rapidly between Up and Down. Stranger Things quarks are more stable than Stranger quarks and were found in the exotic matter found in the last season of the series. The cost of the amount of exotic used in Stranger Things was almost half the 5th season's production costs. Top and Bottom quarks are also known as Sub and Dom quarks.

3, A dairy product similar to soft cheese.

The habitable zone in the solar system is also called the goldilocks zone because it is the only place in the solar system where you can find bears.