u/anon_life_of_regret

I had a difficult family life, was abused as a child, never really dealt with it or at least not well. Found out I was a product of an affair and met my biological father as a teenager, it changed my already difficult relationships with both my other parents and always felt like I was an unwanted, dirty secret to all three parents after that. Dealt with depression and attempted suicide at one point, then started to do better but always flirted with mental health problems and addiction into adulthood. Never really had a healthy relationship, codependency, cheating(them, not me), broken people trying to find healing, stability, safety, fuck at least comfort or camaraderie in bringing our sad broken lives together to lean against each other. I became addicted to opioids in the early 2010’s, the word fentanyl wasn’t synonymous with “super-poison” back then, it was a new thing, a prescription drug. I tried it with a roommate after having a fight with a cheating girlfriend and a rough day at a shitty job, it came in patches that we smoked. It sounds nasty but I had snorted pills before so I knew taking drugs the way you were supposed to wasn’t always the most fun method of administration. Puked right away and couldn’t stand up straight for hours. I was hooked immediately, despite how messed up I was on the stuff I was anaesthetized to the pain of my life and the people in it, I wanted that again immediately the second it wore off. After a few months of occasional use turning into habitual use, my dealer moved away(dying of an overdose not long after) and I lost my source. Painful withdrawal, no new source of drugs, no option but to clean up so I did, and crawled through the fire into an even more painful sobriety. I was still broken, never fixed any of the hurt that led me to my mistakes and self-destructive behaviour in the first place. I used connections I had made in my addiction in real life and this new thing called “bitcoin” I found about online to start procuring and reselling drugs from the darknet. It went from getting me free drugs, to becoming slightly profitable, to becoming more profitable than my job. I met a girl and as they have a way of doing, the drugs found their way into our personal and family lives. Not because we had drug problems, but people around us did and I was a part of that as the supplier. She wanted me to stop so I did, for a long time. We split up and I started selling again, not big time but just getting clean stuff, party drugs like coke and molly, uncut and fentanyl-free, selling it at cost as a favour so friends could party safely on birthdays and holidays after a few incidents with gross/unsafe gear. One day about a year ago, I got a free sample of heroin with some coke I picked up. I told no one, didn’t want to worry them, and it seemed like a waste to throw away perfectly good drugs… I had played around with pills and lean a little bit over the years since getting clean from fent, figured no big deal, and got into my little sample by myself one night. It was so good, so much better than fent or lean or pills. The euphoria is warmer than synthetic opioids, I wasn’t expecting it to be that much different. I bought some more. Next thing I know it was every weekend, then every night after work. I started getting sick without it. I got tired of lying and hiding it, crawled through the fire of incredibly painful withdrawal(I am not a poor teenager anymore, I could afford a healthy little drug habit and my daily dose was much higher than the equivalent I had been taking of fentanyl when I was addicted to that) got clean for almost a month, then broke when a friend died of an OD. I’ve been tapering for a month or so now, trying to get my daily dose lower and lower so the withdrawal isn’t as painful this time. I have also procured some SR17018, a research chemical that apparently makes stopping less painful. I have a decent job, good friends, a partner that loves me, a cute little cat. Nobody knows. I’m so scared of taking too much, hitting a hot spot in the dope or getting stuff cut with fent, and boom I’m gone. I’m scared of my partner finding out and leaving me, I would deserve it after I betrayed their trust and hid this from them. Pray for me. Or maybe pray that my life falls apart, maybe that’s all I deserve is for everything to come crashing down around me as a result of my own actions. I don’t know. Fuck.