u/applelime_

For context I’m a first year college student, just started and it’s been a month so far. I met someone who was hearing and knew asl, and he introduced me to his non hearing and asl speaking friends. One of them we will call J.

J and I are both artists and we got along pretty well in the group. He uses a cochlear and also knows asl. His first language isn’t English either, but he’s gotten to know it pretty well. Sometimes I see him around and we talk (mostly through texting or me trying to understand what he’s saying out loud)

I’m not sure if he just hasn’t charged his cochlear or if he chooses not to wear it but he reached out to me and said he was frustrated that I didn’t know asl and that I should learn because he is deaf and English isn’t his first language. I apologized and I’m starting to learn asl; I already know how to sign my name and I’m downloading apps to learn better too.

I’m asking for an opinion on this because I told someone about how bad I felt to make J frustrated, and my friend said that it is sort of a two way street. And that I should learn asl but that he could also wear his cochlear

I’m just unsure what to do. Of course I’m still learning asl but I don’t know if it’s just me who should be trying to communicate. And I want J to be comfortable when we communicate 100%.

For context; here’s a list of things this guy has done to me (we were together for 5 months)

- asked for intimacy; and when I said I wouldn’t be comfortable, he brought up how “other couples usually became intimate at around 4 Months” and said “well I have needs”

- he wanted to go see this new movie called obsession; I declined because it had sexual assault in it and I wasn’t comfortable. (I’ve been sa’d in the past and he knows this) —he responded with “but it’s a really popular couples movie and it feels like I’ll be losing out”

- he wanted to wear matching outfits; but I brought up my sensory issues (I’m neurodivergent; most likely autistic but that’s another story) and he became upset saying he was once again “losing out” and that “other couples were able to do it”

We also got into a very heated argument the day I broke it off, and he made the claim of “autistic people typically dominate every field they hyperfixate on”. We got into it because I told him that sounded like a stereotype. He only brought up examples of famous people. I rebutted with bringing up the large amount of people who could have autism, but aren’t able to be diagnosed; and the fact autistic people can face discrimination (I also told him I wasn’t saying autistic people couldn’t be successful; just his generic idea of the type of success autistic people CAN have was wrong).

I then brought up how people of color and women (both of which I am) are highly underlooked in studies and diagnosing autism because most research is done on white people and men. He then said I was “using race and gender against him” and he said “I’m sorry I don’t have it as hard as you”.

We break up; fast forward 3 days. A mutual texts me and tells me that they’re at a friend’s house and my ex is there, saying how he met this girl at a party and he had clearly liked her. They were able to find the girls Instagram for me. I’m not sure if I should warn her about him. I want to protect her but I also am very anxious about the whole situation.