I am loosing my mind. I am not really an expert in the picking style and just need the guitar version as an ukulele version. The exact one, picking and all. I found one ukulele tutorial on yt of it by a guy who did not play it in the original style. i need the original style. Its so important but i cant find it anywhere... If necessary, i'll pay for it.
Germany. QPR. I truly am giving up, my head is a mess ughh. ><
Okay. Hellooo, sorry, i am confused what i even look for.
Not friends though, unless you share my exact experience with this. Eh.
I think i really fit best into cupio/aego-aroace. I like the concept of love and even sexual things. But, whenever i had physical experiences with it i felt disconected from it. I went "wait, no, stop i dont want this.".
I like reading about love and even smut, i like shipping and roleplaying stuff bla bla but...every date i had made me feel like i dont relate. Like theres a fog inbetween me and him. Hes all in love, pink heart eyes, lust, desire. And i am here like...wait who hypnotized you? Wha- how-? I feel like i am the only one who did not get their cup of love potion drug, i feel weirded out and even repulsed. I want to feel truly liked, like how you like a friend, not have a guy hypnotized by chemicals obsess with my every imperfection. I feel in love if a guy is my type, likes things i like, is a good person and shares myopinions and relates to this mess that is my sexuality/identity. I did feel lithromantic for a while but figured it might have been a reaction to alloromantics who fall in love because chemicals, which i dont relate to and it scared me. I strangely never liked the thought of being bound to a person and i've come to the conclusions its bc of my cupio/aego- thing...it feels wrong and constricting. A friendship doesnt feel that way it feels perfect and i can absolutely adore my friend and spend all my time with them like yesss lets f shit up together. >:D I guess i just mourn the fact that romance feels nice in my head but feels wrong once it becomes a real serious deal that i am thrown into without wearing the pink sunglasses, so id rather have someone who feels that way too. Hence why i feel at home somewhere on the aromantic spectrum.
I do however feel physically attracted to men. Very much. I hate kissing tho, i dont have the mechanism in my head that makes me want to use my lips for making out. I dont have it, kissing is icky for me (sadly). When it comes to sexual things, i am confused. I did try physical things with people before but i still consider myself a virgin (i just feel like it never crossed that line fully). I like the concept of sex i guess, but i just dont know if id like it, maybe i would like it for how it feels or the dynamic or maybe id be better without it? But i dont get turned on by the thought of it or the actual doing. I do fear of missing out on it bc what if i would still enjoy it despite not needing it? I could be fine with doing it as a...thing that feels good ig but not because i need it. Simply, i dont need it, i dont crave it, that i do know. I never wouldve known sex is a thing if noone had ever told me. But i find men attractive like i mentioned. I do like cuddling, though it can be too much i am not addicted to it, i dont really desire it. But it can be nice and comforting.
Weirdly enough, i want to mention that i do have a sexual fantasy, the only thing that makes me feel arousal and i prefer keeping it to myself, its my secret ig. This is complicated enough, i will stop writing now ugh. So if anyone relates to this on a deeeep level and is looking for a friend or even a qpr. Yea ><.
Also, if you diiid read this far: i have a job, a car and i am a potterhead, animenerd, gamer, look like the most normal person on earth and love cooking/baking. Also i am from Germany♡
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(Germany btw) Before you start reading, no i am not looking for friends, i am looking for someone who relates to this.
Heyo, i am a very very VERY complicated aroace. I guess, because i am having a hard time knowing what i look for...or if romance/sex is just a fantasy i want to keep in my mind. But i figured i should still not give up completely yet. I have been identifying somewhere inbetween aego- cupio- and lith-aroace. Jesus, what is this. I like the idea of things, i like fanfictions, i even have a sexual fantasy (which is my personal secret, thanks, id like to keep it to myself), i like fanservice (except to the degree of ridiculous, thats just no), i like men, physically and psychologically, i like to flirt but i prefer not to anymore, i like the thought of sex and love (i HATE kissing tho) but i also dont really feel romantic/sexual love. idk.
Maybe this example will help: I see a dish, lets say its a pizza (male person). Cool, i like pizza, i like looking at it, admiring its smell/looks/texture (feel romantic/sexual/platonic interest), i have toppings i like on it and toppings i dislike (a type). Maybe id even enjoy trying a piece (doing something sexual with them). I am not disgusted by that thought, maybe id even enjoy it for tasting/feeling good/being a nice experience because hello i have tastebuds (a libido and genitals). But. I dont have hunger(sex/love drive). Maybe appetite, but not hunger. If you dont have hunger then youll maybe never think of eating that pizza without knowing hunger exists (thats how i felt before finding out sex exists and is done out of a deep need/want by allos). Henestly i dont want sex for sex, i am interested in the person doing it. And if i never have sex, thats fine for me too, i dont even know if id truly like it yet (virgin). Maybe just relating to eachother on the attraction and talking about it is also enough? Yeah, i like men, i like their body, i like their voices, their humour, jealousy, desire, their masculinity and i might sometimes even like "that" body part, its not terrible. But i dont have the romantic/sexual classic hypnotic love attraction, i see the person, if they treat me like shit, i loose interest. I see them in a more...rational way, like are they my type, are they a good person, do we share things? And most importantly: are they chill, do they open up, are they emotionally mature and do they relate to me on this? Ye maybe something like that. Idk ehhh. I dont fall in love out of a love reflex. I often feel like my "animal instinct" (pls kill me why did i write this) is missing the "want/need" and only has the "enjoy/desire" and its more of a "ohhh yes i like that". It's deeper. I seek the person who deeply understands this, like exactly this, who sees through the fog that blinds every other person and blocks them from seeing me. Bro, i am a human pls see me, not what makes you attracted to me. See me. And see the extras that make it even better (physical, emotional, platonic, romantic actions). Yeah. I guess thats who i look for.
Also, if you diiid read this far: i have a job, a car and i am a potterhead, animenerd, gamer, look like the morst normal person on earth and love cooking/baking.