afraid to socially transition
hey! i don’t usually come to reddit to rant but my current situation has sort of pushed me to try and see if i get anything out of this.
im 24 and i have since i was about 15 identified as non binary. i’ve always been fairly masculine and i came out to my mum as trans at the time (i had severe dysphoria and wanted to get top surgery) but i was never sure about socially transition (my mum is accepting, but not encouraging and my dad and his family specially would have a pretty hard time with it)
the point is i haven’t been too public about it except when there has been any discussion on gender/trans people with friends/family and i have always kept it vague if i wasn’t talking to other queer folk, my partner or really good friends (my friends are all very progressive but few are queer and none are trans). i have always thought of my identity as something pragmatic and dependent on context (in some spaces i am more “woman” because i feel sorority in terms of having suffered struggles from being perceived as a woman; in others im more “man” with my partner i enjoy the feeling of using masculine pronouns; if im alone i don’t think im anything really).
but recently a friend of my girlfriend came out as trans. id talk to him before once about my own gender troubles (so to speak) and apparently he was very inspired by my gender bending behaviours and has decided to transition. he goes by another name and now uses masculine pronouns. he started the process to get on t and wants to get top surgery. and im happy for him! but i also feel jealous, as if he won a race i was not aware i was participating in.
the point is… now i think i want to transition? and finally take the steps towards top surgery? and getting on t? but im so terribly scared of socially transitioning and some of my family members reactions. im scared of choosing a name that my parents don’t like? or never feeling fully comfortable presenting as a man? (i know full well I’ve never liked being read as a woman, im just very used to it). change has always been hard for me, i also struggle with changing my given name, even though i don’t love it, i just disassociate gender from it (its a very feminine name). im scared of violence (even though my country is pretty good with lgbt rights), and not being able to find a job. im weirdly scared of my neighbours talking about me? and having to see people from my past (like teachers from highs school) and having to come out and everything. has anyone felt these same feelings? does it even make sense?
any advice from fellow trans men? fear paralyses me, but i want to enjoy my life the way i would if things were easier. i now i come from a place of privilege cause my life is not in danger and there are resources i can access to transition, but i still feel unlucky because i’m so scared to do anything.
thanks guys!