u/areumdaweomaria

I had a vaginal ultrasound for the first time last year. The technician was nice, and there was lube and all. It wasn’t the stretch of insertion that hurt; it was when she was moving it around. It was agony! It felt like my insides were getting all broken and mixed up. It wasn’t a sharp pain, more like getting punched and having the sore spot pressed on. Around when I was ready to give up, it was over.

I looked it up, and apparently it’s not supposed to hurt like that?! I don’t have sex, but I run into similar pain with just one finger. It’s not really the stretch (though I struggle with that too if I use more than one finger).

I didn’t have any severe swelling, injuries (that I know of, and she didn’t mention anything either), etc. I was in the middle of a period and had small cysts (pcom). At the time, I was bleeding through a tampon every 40 minutes; had pain like contractions; nausea; and extreme tenderness. The nurse said it was just my body resetting itself after unstable periods. I’m not even fully sure about how much pain or symptoms I feel during periods, because I used to think I was exaggerating. My mom and aunt have endometriosis, and my periods weren’t as bad as theirs.

TW: mentions of violence

While traveling, there was a movie playing on the large screen of the vehicle. It was extremely graphic, and the woman sitting next to me was discussing how violent it was. There was a scene of a man getting brutally beheaded then his head being kicked around to send a message.

I told her I’d never seen anything this violent/graphic in a movie before. I didn’t mention it, but I did kinda witness something like this irl. So it was like “Well I haven’t seen anything this brutal in a movie but I’ve seen it irl lol.”

When I was seven my church leaders held a surprise religious extremist attack on a group of young adult Bible students in the woods at night. I was the only kid there. They made us believe it was real.

They “beheaded” dad and paraded his head around. The scene from the movie reminded me of this. Back then I was sobbing and holding mom back so she wouldn’t get killed too.

TW: sexual and reproductive trauma + purity culture.

*Thank you so much to all the people who were supportive and kind on my other post about the creepy staring pastor!*

When I was a preteen, my parents talked about getting me a purity ring. (For those who don’t know, a purity is given to a girl by her dad as a symbol of her keeping her purity till marriage). Then my parents joked about me being too impure for that. My parents would also ask me if I was pregnant. By that age I was about old enough to be able to get pregnant.

It just hit me hard the other day how I was treated like I was dirty. And I thought it was because of me.

But what makes things worse is that my dad was sexually abusive and my parents let me be homeschooled/tutored by a friend who was a molestor and pedophile. Dad sexually abused me partly in my sleep. Part of it was during the day, and I spent years physically fighting him off from sexually harassing me. At one point in my early teens, though, I’d use myself as bait and pretend to be asleep/clueless so I could figure out if he was doing something definite enough on purpose. I spent my teen years trying to figure out if what he did counted.

When I was nineteen I confronted them about it, and mom said to give him trial periods of three days at a time to get used to not touching me. Dad also laughed to some people how I’d have my first kiss when getting married— as if he didn’t already do that and more.

At the age (and younger) that my parents asked me if I was pregnant, I was already showing potential signs of reproductive trauma— obsession and constant play centered around that. My therapist said I’ve got dissociative issues and it’s walled off; so I don’t know exactly what event caused those issues. I did have a bodily flashback that felt like childbirth, and it was triggered while researching those themes and by dad’s voice.

Mom said they were joking when asking me, but I’ve wondered if they were referencing something I didn’t know, testing me, or just making jokes. Mom has teased me about liking dad and she insisted I wanted to marry him when I was 9/10 I think (even though I said I was old enough at that age to know I wouldn’t marry him).

I had to move away and could only do therapy for a short while. I don’t live with my parents anymore and I’ve cut contact with dad. Also, this isn’t even the whole of the abuse, just part.

(Slight edits)

I (21F) just moved away from a toxic church and abusive dad (who was the associate pastor). The senior pastor used to stare at me at times, and I felt off about it. I told my mom, but she didn’t say anything. So I felt like I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Then a woman minister was asking about the church situation, and she outright asked if he’d done a sexual sin if he’d done anything to me. That’s when mom mentioned that I’d told her about him staring, and she said she’d kinda felt like he was staring sexually but she wasn’t sure, especially since he’d stare at her in a way that made her feel like he sought her approval, so she wasn’t sure whether he was ogling me or seeking my approval.

Mom said if he’d done anything certain, she would have taken action (which I side-eyed because when dad sexually abused/harassed me and I confronted them about it, she told me to give him trial periods to get him used to not touching me).

My friend said she got creepy vibes from him so he probably was staring in a sexual way. At the very least, he cheated on his wife, acted violent, said racist shit, manipulated people, etc.

At this point, I think I’m kinda numb or worn out because that’s how a lot of men around me and in my life have turned out. It’s not even me choosing wrong or only a few men in one environment; it’s all over and men I don’t have much of a choice to be around. I’ve given them the benefit of the doubt or forgiveness and regret it because they do something abusive/toxic. And I feel sad and angry that the women and girls in my life still suffer because of them and shield them.