u/astra_a-star

Hi, I don't have any diagnoses to do with my physical health, but I'm very often in pain and have been since I was a kid. And I can't stop asking myself if I did this to myself.

I remember being like 12 and having such strong back pain or my legs hurting, but I powered through it as always. Whenever I would complain to my parents, mum would say it's because I'm overweight, while dad would say it's either growing pains or because I don't go outside or exercise.

I've been chubby all my life. No matter what I did, I never fully lost weight. And the reason why I didn't go outside started as simply not having friends to mental issues like anxiety, paranoia, and delusions, etc. And I couldn't properly exercise cause depression, and I was too ashamed to do it when anyone was around.

Over the years, the pain just got worse, just like my mental health and my attempts to lose weight. Always on some "diet". I would wake up with such strong back pain that I would just lie there, unable to move until it stopped. Or when I would lie down, my back would do like... Uhhh this ) ( )( ) ( )( motion? Like by itself until it calms down, and I can lie comfortably. My shoulders hurt a lot at one point. Always had to crack them against the wall when I woke up in order for the pain to stop. I tried running when I felt like I could (mentally and physically), but I couldn’t do it for too long; everything would just hurt. Or I would try exercising (in secret), and I would be in too much pain even if I did nothing. Plus, I have scars that hurt when I overwork my leg. I always thought about what dad said ’’not enough exercise causes pain’’. So I tried and tried. But it never helped...

Years and years passed. I’m now 21, working in retail, and I do A LOT of ’’exercise’’ (moving boxes, boxes of beer cans, packs of bottles, palettes, at least 15k steps, riding a bike for like an 1h ect.), but I’m still in pain. I’m exercising and going outside now, but why am I in pain? I still have weight, but I’m eating...or well not eating, I’m eating like 600cal a day if that... And I’m no longer growing, so it’s not growing pains...

I can move, yes. I’m body-abled. But god, it hurts so much. I feel like my pain tolerance has risen to like, my 0 is a 5. I can get hit, fall, just work, and work even when in pain like it’s nothing. Sometimes, since I’m clumsy, when opening boxes, I accidentally cut myself with a box cutter, and sometimes I don’t even feel it. Just bandaid and keep it pushing. Headache? Pop a few pills and keep it pushing. Hungry? Tired? Sad? Dizzy? Just keep it pushing. No sitting, resting, or anything. And yeah, I get dizzy very often. Sometimes I feel so tired and in pain, and tears would just form. At work, during those days, if I’m at the cash register, I put a beer case upwards and rest my knee on it, so I’m resting but still standing and working. If I’m stocking shelves, I bring a shopping cart even if I don’t need it cause I rest my weight on it, so walking is easier. And I don’t go out without my bike. Cause it glides very well. So when I get tired, I just turn the pedals two times and go for miles. It’s slow, yes, but it gets me places with less pain. Plus, I know all the routes that have downhill roads. And if I get too overwhelmed, I can get home/to a safe space quickly. Or if I’m pushing it beside me, I would lean on the bike so it’s pushing me. I have (almost) no trouble walking, I even run, but I CANNOT do stairs. I can’t. My legs literally give out sometimes.

Is it too late? Did I fuck myself up? I feel like it’s all my fault. I spent my childhood in an unhealthy way. I feel like I fucked myself up and that I did this to myself. Most days, I have to take pain meds plus the regular mental stuff meds.

I can’t fix my eating, I'm starving every day. And my weight. And my teeth. And my health. And my leg don’t work too well because of the scars. And I don’t know how to even- where do I go? The basic doctors here are ass, I need a specalist. My parents never took me to any doctors for any of this. And they weren’t really role models. They both have health issues, mum never goes to any doctor and just complains, while dad is ’’too manly’’ and hates meds or doctors. Since my brother is autistic (love him <3), all their attention was on him, so even if I had something simple like a cold, I rarely told my parents and just dealt with it on my own. Now I don’t know where to even go to fix this. I’m too tired anyway, I have so many issues, motivation to fix them, but ZERO energy.

I actually WANNA workout, I LOVE running, I ADORE my bike, I WANNA get into boxing, I LOVE my job, since I started working I developed smile lines because of it. But the pain stops me from comfortably doing what I love...

I live in guilt 24/7. Why did I do this to myself? How could’ve let it get this bad? I'm such a fuck up, I feel like I'm beyond all repair...I’m so tired...

Is it my fault?

Hi, I don't have any diagnoses to do with my physical health, but I'm very often in pain and have been since I was a kid. And I can't stop asking myself if I did this to myself.

I remember being like 12 and having such strong back pain or my legs hurting, but I powered through it as always. Whenever I would complain to my parents, mum would say it's because I'm overweight, while dad would say it's either growing pains or because I don't go outside or exercise.

I've been chubby all my life. No matter what I did, I never fully lost weight. And the reason why I didn't go outside started as simply not having friends to mental issues like anxiety, paranoia, and delusions, etc. And I couldn't properly exercise cause depression, and I was too ashamed to do it when anyone was around.

Over the years, the pain just got worse, just like my mental health and my attempts to lose weight. Always on some "diet". I would wake up with such strong back pain that I would just lie there, unable to move until it stopped. Or when I would lie down, my back would do like... Uhhh this ) ( )( ) ( )( motion? Like by itself until it calms down, and I can lie comfortably. My shoulders hurt a lot at one point. Always had to crack them against the wall when I woke up in order for the pain to stop. I tried running when I felt like I could (mentally and physically), but I couldn’t do it for too long; everything would just hurt. Or I would try exercising (in secret), and I would be in too much pain even if I did nothing. Plus, I have scars that hurt when I overwork my leg. I always thought about what dad said ’’not enough exercise causes pain’’. So I tried and tried. But it never helped...

Years and years passed. I’m now 21, working in retail, and I do A LOT of ’’exercise’’ (moving boxes, boxes of beer cans, packs of bottles, palettes, at least 15k steps, riding a bike for like an 1h ect.), but I’m still in pain. I’m exercising and going outside now, but why am I in pain? I still have weight, but I’m eating...or well not eating, I’m eating like 600cal a day if that... And I’m no longer growing, so it’s not growing pains...

I can move, yes. I’m body-abled. But god, it hurts so much. I feel like my pain tolerance has risen to like, my 0 is a 5. I can get hit, fall, just work, and work even when in pain like it’s nothing. Sometimes, since I’m clumsy, when opening boxes, I accidentally cut myself with a box cutter, and sometimes I don’t even feel it. Just bandaid and keep it pushing. Headache? Pop a few pills and keep it pushing. Hungry? Tired? Sad? Dizzy? Just keep it pushing. No sitting, resting, or anything. And yeah, I get dizzy very often. Sometimes I feel so tired and in pain, and tears would just form. At work, during those days, if I’m at the cash register, I put a beer case upwards and rest my knee on it, so I’m resting but still standing and working. If I’m stocking shelves, I bring a shopping cart even if I don’t need it cause I rest my weight on it, so walking is easier. And I don’t go out without my bike. Cause it glides very well. So when I get tired, I just turn the pedals two times and go for miles. It’s slow, yes, but it gets me places with less pain. Plus, I know all the routes that have downhill roads. And if I get too overwhelmed, I can get home/to a safe space quickly. Or if I’m pushing it beside me, I would lean on the bike so it’s pushing me. I have (almost) no trouble walking, I even run, but I CANNOT do stairs. I can’t. My legs literally give out sometimes.

Is it too late? Did I fuck myself up? I feel like it’s all my fault. I spent my childhood in an unhealthy way. I feel like I fucked myself up and that I did this to myself. Most days, I have to take pain meds plus the regular mental stuff meds.

I can’t fix my eating, I'm starving every day. And my weight. And my teeth. And my health. And my leg don’t work too well because of the scars. And I don’t know how to even- where do I go? The basic doctors here are ass, I need a specalist. My parents never took me to any doctors for any of this. And they weren’t really role models. They both have health issues, mum never goes to any doctor and just complains, while dad is ’’too manly’’ and hates meds or doctors. Since my brother is autistic (love him <3), all their attention was on him, so even if I had something simple like a cold, I rarely told my parents and just dealt with it on my own. Now I don’t know where to even go to fix this. I’m too tired anyway, I have so many issues, motivation to fix them, but ZERO energy.

I actually WANNA workout, I LOVE running, I ADORE my bike, I WANNA get into boxing, I LOVE my job, since I started working I developed smile lines because of it. But the pain stops me from comfortably doing what I love...

I live in guilt 24/7. Why did I do this to myself? How could’ve let it get this bad? I'm such a fuck up, I feel like I'm beyond all repair...

...I’m so tired...