a nonbeliever's prayer
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I don’t believe in religion, and for most of my life, I never really talked to God.
I’m one of those people who never wanted religion to dictate the way I live. Maybe because life gave me too many experiences that made me question if there really was a God listening at all. I kept asking questions until eventually, I stopped believing. During college, I’d sometimes accompany my best friend to church, but even then, I never understood what people meant when they talked about having a “personal relationship with God.” In my mind, if He is truly omniscient and all-knowing, why would I still need to speak?
Then I met my girlfriend.
And somehow, quietly, she changed something in me.
She’s faithful in a way that doesn’t feel performative or forced. Hindi siya ’yung tipong ginagawang personality ang religion. Instead, she lives gently, kindly, and with so much sincerity that being around her makes faith feel less intimidating and more human.
As I got to know her, I found myself wanting to get closer to God, not out of fear, not because someone told me to, but because loving her made me want to believe that there is still goodness worth praying to.
I started praying for her. For us.
The first time we went to church together, I caught myself crying while praying that maybe, just maybe, God would let me keep her in my life. I prayed for her happiness, for my family, for myself, and selfishly, I prayed that He wouldn’t take her away from me.
Last week, we went to church again. And there I was, teary-eyed for the second time, whispering prayers for her CPALE next week — praying that all her hard work finds its way back to her.
It’s strange.
Most of my life, I never talked to God.
But now, I find myself asking my devoted Christian best friend how to pray properly for the girl I love.