u/athrowawayyawa

I will try to keep this as short as possible. I would love input from partners and those with BPD. Thank you very much in advance!

I (40, m, teacher, codependent but working very hard the last few months) have colorectal cancer. I had 4 rounds of chemo, and have tumor removal surgery next week, followed likely by 8 more rounds of chemo.

My wife (35, f, charge nurse at large hospital) with BPD has really struggled with my diagnosis. She is absolutely positive I will die and that I care more about the cancer than her. She has had two inpatient stays in May (usually has about 2 per year), and I've made one police call and one welfare check since May (hadn't done either before). We've been dating six years and married for two, with a blended family (I have one 11-year-old bio daughter and one 8-year-old step son). Neither exes are in picture (one lives halfway across country, one passed away)

Okay. So. Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment, and we did all the right things before we went. Took anxiety med, read through DEARMAN, REST, discussed coping thoughts and strategies, etc. We were both in a good place and holding hands and smiling on the way in.

We got to appointment, and my wife became obsessed and angry with coming to PACU (where patients go directly after surgery) to be there when I wake up and in case something goes wrong. Every single person she asked said it wasn't something asked often, but they didn't see it as an issue. I just needed to talk to my surgeon. Wife was very upset they wouldn't put something in writing... They all made it clear they don't have control over that, but it should be no problem and they would put it in their notes.

As we got in the car and drove away, my wife told me that they don't give a shit about me, that I should go back in and tear up all paperwork I had just signed. I told her that would cancel my surgery, and I wasn't willing to do that. While at the stoplight of a busy intersection, she said "well, you don't care about me because you won't do the one thing I ask you. Bye" and got out of the car and walked away.

I was worried about her and was calling and driving around for her (not the greatest part of our city, and heat index was 106 yesterday), but she would not answer calls. She would just text that I don't care about her, I would fight for her if I loved her, I should pack up my stuff and go, she's at peace with that and will go on without me, that she would only come back if I tore up the paperwork and sent a picture.

She eventually answered my call, and I asked her "everyone here said it won't be a problem. But what if you can't go back to PACU? What if you meet me in my room? What's the worst-case scenario?" I was trying to understand her thinking. She responded "Then you don't have the surgery and we call every PACU in the state. If no one allows me back, then I guess you don't have the surgery at all." I told her "this is life-saving surgery. I will die if I don't do this." She responded "I guess you will".

I was dumb-founded. I parked in the hospital parking lot and cried, just... stuck. I had no idea what to do. Somehow, she found our car and got in. I did my best DEARMAN, especially Negotiate. I told her I want her back just as much as she wants to be back (true), but I have a different way of doing things (she wants me to get angry and insist on things). She agreed to my proposal, and we left the hospital.

Not one minute later, she said "*When* I get kicked out of the hospital, what will you do?" When. Not if. When. I told her this felt like she was testing to see if I would say the right thing. She said "Damn right. You go AMA, and they take you by ambulance to another hospital."

The afternoon and most of the evening was good. We even got in writing from the surgeon's team that she can come to PACU right away. We watched part of a movie, chased the kids around, and my wife recommended getting ice cream at 8:30 in our pajamas. This felt very much like a manic episode, but I was thrilled she was happy. After we put the kids to bed and all day yesterday, though, she has been so angry with me. I spent literally all day trying to talk to my surgeon, get connected with the hospital's online portal, get recent blood work results, etc. All the while, my wife was texting me from working saying "You are so passive and just sitting around assuming they care about you. No one gives a shit about us. Call 100 times if you have to. Get angry! Record the calls and send them to me." She also kept checking the cameras she installed (to watch me in case I fell down or had an emergency during chemo) but this time to see if I was actually contacting people. I spent ALL day doing that, and got basically every task completed.

She came home last night and had to go straight to her online DBT therapy. Afterward, she was angry at me for getting dinner for her, angry that she couldn't hear the therapy well with us in the house, just angry about everything. Luckily, she does a pretty good job of taking it out on me and not the kids. Not saying it's okay that it's me, just that I understand what's happening and the kids do not. She went to bed quiet and as far on her side of the bed as possible.

Thoughts and comments from both sides are greatly appreciated.

From people with BPD, what is she going through, feeling, and what could be her path out of it? I know she is terrified of this surgery, she is positive I'm going to die and "abandon her", so she's getting ahead of the game and doing it herself. This is what she's told me.

From partners of someone with BPD, have you experienced anywhere close to this situation? What did YOU do? I am at a place in my life now that I know I can't "fix" anyone else or say some magical words. This is her responsibility, but she's my wife and I want to do whatever I can to help. I also know that this is literally my life on the line. I am not willing to cancel surgeries or rip up papers because she has asked me to. I will literally die without this surgery, and it will be long and painful. I am also not willing to go AMA moments after my surgery. Again, this is literally my life.

Sorry for making you read this whole thing, and I sincerely hope I get a bunch of responses so I can work this all out. Thank you in advance!

So I've noticed that many of the posts on here are from new patients who are scared and asking for advice. I thought it might be helpful to have one post where we share all our helpful tidbits from all areas: diagnoses, chemo, surgery, remission, etc. that way, maybe we can direct new folks (or folks who just want to read it, like me) to this post to see strategies to cope.

I'll go first based on comments I've gotten from people when I mention it:

40 years old, stage 4 colorectal cancer, diagnosed April 2026

Tip/trick for any phase of cancer: have "cancer-free" days. It can be exhausting to think constantly about it, and then have your family, friends, and coworkers say the same thing over and over: "how are you doing? Any news? I'm praying for you!"

So I decided to have regular "cancer-free" days. I started by sending a group text to all who care and give them an update. Then I say that the cancer has taken over more than just my colon... It's also everything I think about and talk about. I name a date, and politely request that everyone treat me like "good ol' Dave" instead of "Cancer Man". I give them a date to please not bring anything up, and I also do some meditation and prepare myself to think about it as little as possible. I explain that it's not about ignoring my cancer, but about keeping from spreading to my thoughts and conversations, which it only does with my permission. I have control over that, at least.

And then... I just do it for a day. And people close to me have done a great job respecting that. When the day is over, I really do feel rejuvenated and ready for the next appointment/chemo/surgery/etc.

I've noticed that there are a lot of posts on here about struggling with caregivers, spouses, children, etc. It might also be that I notice it more because that's also what I'm looking for more since that's been my biggest struggle since being diagnosed.

Is there a separate subreddit for this so we don't clog up the main cancer subreddit with our family issues? Or has anyone thought about making one?

I hope everyone has a productive and rewarding day today. Thinking about all of you.

I know something like this has probably been posted a lot. But what is YOUR success story for how you found peace, whether through moving on or something else? What steps did you take? I currently am in the "separation" stage since Friday evening and it is not going well. Me included. Struggling with holding to boundaries. Spouse is saying all kinds of stuff. We have two kids who are staying with grandparents right now (one her bio, one my bio). I just would like to know that there are possible steps and hope

To add to it all, I just finished my fourth round of chemo... Honestly, that's kind of what broke the camel's back. She said if I lay down due to chemo side effects, I love the cancer more than her. It kind of snapped me back to reality and realized this is NOT how life should be. It's been a whirlwind of a last few months.

Thank you all, truly, for any responses!

Hey all, I've got one more bout of chemo and then I'll be having surgery to remove the tumor (colorectal cancer). Tumor is about 8 inches up.

If you've been through this before, what questions should I ask that I might not think of? Ones I currently have:

1. Time in hospital after surgery

2. Recovery time at home

3. Whether I'll have an ileostomy (not sure on spelling)

4. What I can do in next few weeks to best prep

Hi all, and sorry in advance for long post.

I am 40/m, elementary teacher, never had any real health problems aside from alcoholism (almost 7 years sober, woohoo).

This semester I kept having to leave work from stomach issues. Long story short, about a month ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer that has traveled to my liver. In a WONDERFUL bit of news, they found that the spots on my liver were actually something I was born with and are not cancerous. Just had a PET scan yesterday to check for anything else before they downgrade me from stage 4.

I am halfway through 4 chemo treatments and then will have surgery in summer. So far so good... I've even been able to work most days.

But my post is mostly about my family, and my wife specifically. If you have any helpful advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

My wife has BPD and is bipolar. I love her with all my heart, and the combination of meds and therapy has done wonders for her/us. But my cancer diagnosis has unlocked something in her. She is terrified, angry, taking it out on nurses and doctors (she is a nurse herself), angry with me, goes back and forth between being overly supportive and completely unsupportive. She texts me sometimes 200 times a day while we're at work. I even had to call the police (had never done that) a couple weeks ago because I was scared for her safety. She also went inpatient at a behavioral health place for a few days, but nothing is different. She regularly discusses harming herself or ending things (this is not new, but has become a much more constant topic of conversation).

What really made me realize things must change is when my whole elementary school surprised me with a supportive walk around the school. They had signs, made posters, wore blue... It was one of the most touching moments of my life.

My wife was... not happy. She felt like I'm getting all the attention (I *despise* attention... I don't even like birthday dinners), that no one is considering her, teachers pooled some donation money for us and my wife said I should keep it for myself because "it's not for her anyway". I got a blue shirt for the walk and she wanted me to throw it away, etc.

There are many, many more examples, but you get the idea.

I know it's hard being a spouse of someone with cancer. I can't imagine. But I also know I have to prioritize my own mental and physical health, and this is not working.

We have lots of family support, and both my Dad and her parents said I can come stay with them for a while if needed. But I know that will set off a chain reaction that will be very difficult for everyone.

The thing that keeps getting me is that she can be so supportive and my biggest cheerleader. She's my wife and my best friend. And I need her now more than ever. But there's a block for her somehow that she keeps thinking "he's going to die and no one cares about me."

Our kids (elementary age) have been spending lots of time at grandparents' houses, so luckily they haven't physically seen or heard any of this. But kids are intuitive, and I know it's affecting them beyond just the cancer.

Thoughts? Ideas? Has anyone been through this?